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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2016 OWC  ›  Checkmate (The Other One) - OWC Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    Checkmate (The Other One) - OWC  (currently 2889 views)
Don
Posted: January 24th, 2016, 12:57pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Checkmate (the other one) by Dan Campisi - Short, Horror - Games are fun, until someone loses.  What happens when the stakes are incredibly high? - pdf, format


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Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  March 12th, 2016, 7:43pm
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irish eyes
Posted: January 24th, 2016, 1:23pm Report to Moderator
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HUGE DARK WAREHOUSE -- bright lights reveal a chess board of gigantic proportions... It's dark with bright lights

It's one big chess game... not a fan of Chess but using real people tied to Chess pieces.. good idea.


Your character descriptions are incredibly bland... short man, thin man,  A Scottish Voice, A Korean man, Boston-Accented woman.. did you spin a globe?

This is very hard to keep track off... Hot woman tied to the rook, then we have Woman 1 and Rook woman talking apparently a lot of talking off screen for some reason.

Your slugs are wrong

I guess they're countries battling in the future..

I'm sorry but this was very hard to read for me... I'm sure others will get it

Good job on entering


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: January 24th, 2016, 1:34pm Report to Moderator
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A few thoughts...

I found the description of the chess pieces a little confusing, if you've only got one Knight left how would we know that it is Knight 2 and would it matter at all?

I very quickly got confused with what was happening as there's a lot of Man 1, Pawn 19 etc... was making it difficult to keep track of what and who was where.

There's some awkward elements that could be tidied, e.g. you describe them as bound to the pieces but then they walk the pieces to new squares, so in reality the pieces are strapped to the people, not the other way round.

If this is set 3000 years in the future why would the currency still be $s and wouldn't inflation mean that $10m would now by a Starbucks?

Also the reveal of the true stakes, a couple of things.
1) If they'd been running this game annually since 4160 there would only be one country left by 5048
2) If there stakes are the extinction of a country would they really get such idiots to represent the countries?
3) Why are the people strapped to the pieces, it seems irrelevant to the country extinction aspect.

Now I didn't read this as being meant to be a comedy, but if it was then it may work better, if that's the case I think the humour needs amping up.

If it's serious then I think you should lose the killing of the pieces, feels redundant... though I have a feeling this has been done before, maybe in Star Trek?


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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DustinBowcot
Posted: January 24th, 2016, 1:35pm Report to Moderator
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Oh dear... my first thought before even opening the script. The reason is, I thought long and hard how to make a story including a chess game, but just couldn't think of one. Seems like a difficult one to tackle. So let's see how you do.

An idea similar to this actually crossed my mind, in fact it's almost exactly the same, minus the prize. A human chess game where people are really killed... but I dismissed it when I couldn't think of three acts. The rhyme, the reason, etc. I see you've gone for some type of Battle Royale type thing.

Bit complicated at the start. Narrative needs work, needs an edit. Maybe a little rushed, or the section I'm reading recently rewritten.

Using notation indicates that you at least know how to play. I also note you made sure that the black rook moved to a1, which is the white end of the board.

This would work out OK on screen but is a bit of a slog to read. I find it easy to keep track of the moves, but for non players it may be difficult to visualise.

Yeah, the story fell apart once the game was over. Nice try though, I still think chess is the hardest game to pick. Aside from the obvious battle royale angle, it's tough.
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eldave1
Posted: January 24th, 2016, 2:11pm Report to Moderator
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Loved the concept and thought the writer did about as well as one could describing the complexities of this game.

I did not like the dialogue. For the game participants - it didn't ring true and for the Grandmaster - far too OTN.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Grandma Bear
Posted: January 24th, 2016, 3:34pm Report to Moderator
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Interesting idea. I liked that.

Set perhaps a little too far into the future for me. I think we could relate better if it was a little closer to the present. That way we can imagine things might actually play out like that.

Like a lot of games, chess or cards for example are easy to watch, but a bore to read. Not sure how you get around that. I guess it just have to be written out, but I will admit that I really wanted to skim over the game itself. I didn't, but the urge was there.

Didn't really connect with any of the characters. Maybe have one person/chesspiece whom a whole country's future depends on. That way you have a bigger feel for something huge at stake.


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DanC
Posted: January 24th, 2016, 7:40pm Report to Moderator
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Hmmm,
     Really complicated and hard to follow.   Could have use a rewrite, and I suspect the writer knows that, right???

I wonder what this could have been if....

6/10


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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Gary in Houston
Posted: January 24th, 2016, 8:01pm Report to Moderator
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So it's the Hunger Games on a chessboard? It didn't really work for me for reasons set forth by others; i.e., the slog of the descriptions and the confusing character descriptions.

Questions: Why can't the contestants not tell anyone? It's been approved by some convention of all the countries, plus, representatives of all the countries are in the audience.  That didn't make any sense.  Seems it would be better to actually have it televised for everyone to see, if you're going for the futuristic tone.

Also, if the contestants are tied to the chess pieces, how can they be handed saws, knives, etc. to kill their opponents? Why not just have a hooded person come out and be the executioner?

Sorry that this wasn't quite for me.  Best of luck!

My ratings (out of 5):
Concept: 3
Story: 3
Character: 2.5
Dialogue: 2.5
Writing: 3
Overall: 2.8

Good luck!
Gary


Some of my scripts:

Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly
I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner
The Gambler (short) - OWC winner
Skip (short) - filmed
Country Road 12 (short) - filmed
The Family Man (short) - filmed
The Journeyers (feature) - optioned

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Lightfoot
Posted: January 24th, 2016, 8:53pm Report to Moderator
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Doesn't seem like a very easy game choice to write about so I'll give you credit for that. I play chess a bit myself so it shouldn't be too difficult to keep track of what's going on.

After seeing the first two characters introduction as Dark Knight 2 and White Pawn 4, since they really have no other purpose than being tied to their pieces why not just say they are locked to the chess pieces and painted to blend in with them, that way IMO that you can just mention the pieces and say White bishop instead of white bishop 1 or 2.

What is really preventing these people from abandoning their pieces to begin with? In the end it's brought to our attention that they weren't told the death rate was high (which I don't understand, but I'll get to later) wouldn't it be a logical thought for one to abandon his piece to try and live? I suggest adding something to this to make is known that no one can just run off.

Now about the participants not knowing that the odds of death were so high makes me wonder exactly what they were told, they knew there would be death and possibly that it was a chess match and in chess a lot of pieces are removed or taken by the opponent. so why have they failed to realize how deadly this could be?

In order to get the money they have to swear to keep quiet, what about the hundreds of audience members? Why the hush-hush when this game (sanctioned by the Geneva convention) goes from country to country....wouldn't there be thousands of possible loose ends? I think you should hide the human aspect of this game from the audience, the painting thing I said before could help with this too.

Not a bad idea, just needs to be refined I think.
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Pale Yellow
Posted: January 24th, 2016, 8:58pm Report to Moderator
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Logline is very enticing.

AND super kudos you start on the GAME.

OH nice and it's like SAW on a chess board. Good concept ...cool idea.

I am not sure about the money and keeping quiet part of this story but I love that you used overpopulation in it and I think it has a Hunger Games sort of feel to it even.

It was a bit hard reading through the moves for me as I'm not a chess player.

Nice job.
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cbead
Posted: January 24th, 2016, 9:18pm Report to Moderator
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I loved the chess playing action, that worked well for me and kept me intrigued. Starting on the game was great. Would look great if filmed.

But it was the after game sequences which seemed to unpick the whole story for me. As others have stated there was some continuity issues and we are a long long way into the future... Rather primitive way of controlling the world's population I would guess.

Will Nauru and Kosovo be around in 5048? That's something I won't be able to check, mate... (Insert groan here)


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DanC
Posted: January 25th, 2016, 1:18am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from cbead
I loved the chess playing action, that worked well for me and kept me intrigued. Starting on the game was great. Would look great if filmed.

But it was the after game sequences which seemed to unpick the whole story for me. As others have stated there was some continuity issues and we are a long long way into the future... Rather primitive way of controlling the world's population I would guess.

Will Nauru and Kosovo be around in 5048? That's something I won't be able to check, mate... (Insert groan here)


That's a great point.  Will the countries be the same?

Can anyone know, well, I guess Happenstance could....  Or the Candyman could (the song, not the movie)...


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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LC
Posted: January 25th, 2016, 2:06am Report to Moderator
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A 'hot woman', 'a scantily clad woman' and, 'a model like woman in her late teens' - I might like this more if the gender was reversed.  

This is all a bit messy really, isn't it?  - 'White Queen's person' 'White Queen's avatar'? Hundreds of people in the stands? Pity we didn't hear them btw...

I don't know, there's a clever idea at the core of this story but the structure is all over the joint. Little bit of Hostel, little bit of Hunger Games, throw in an overcrowded world, a lottery.

I think I can guess who put this one together, it has a few trademark 'dead'   giveaways. But, I won't tell.
Interesting take on the game, but I think it needs streamlining quite a bit for it to be more effective.  


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Gum
Posted: January 25th, 2016, 10:58am Report to Moderator
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Hi writer,

Sorry amigo, this one didn’t really gel for me. I DID like the concept of using live actors to portray a macabre version of chess but, in the year 5048? I don’t play chess either, so trying to decipher all the positions etc, took me right out of the read.

I could only assume (or hope) that there would be something far more inventive techno wise at that time to entertain the masses; perhaps some virtual gaming scenario… who knows, that’s like 3000 years from now, give or take.

I did like the concept though, and I think this could have played out awesome if it was part of the “100 Days of Games” that Caesar offered to the masses, with his Centurions in black armor bringing people in and out of the chess board.. Just my opinion of course.
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Trojan
Posted: January 25th, 2016, 11:44am Report to Moderator
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It was a struggle to get through this early on because it was confusing to picture exactly what was happening. A lot of different characters (who you need to capitalize when first introducing) and action makes it tough to follow.

I skimmed through to the end. Interesting concept. Didn't really buy into it though and wasn't invested enough here as there's no clear hero or any character to act as a gateway for the reader to get into the story.

Just felt like some random weird stuff that happened 3000 years from now. Good imagination though on display here.
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