First Anniversary by Chris Beadnell - Short, Drama - Although meeting by accident a year before, this hopeless romantic cannot ever imagine life now without his one true love. Of course a special proposition deserves a special occasion. 9 pages - pdf, format

Chris,

Some notes.

I liked this one.  It is a riff on a common theme, what roils around inside a mind left to wander.  If I have anything to offer, it would be to cut down on some of the flashbacks and voice overs.  And if you really want to give the audience a heads up for the ending, you can ditch the scenes where they don't get along.  If he's making up everything, why would he include bad times?  That's me.

And after a year of no contact she comes up with his name right off?  Maybe.

But you can finesse that.

If you really want to play with the audience, you can double cross the ending.  Tim thinks Steve is a fiance only not to find out that he's something else?

Just a thought.

Best
Richard

Hey, Chris - thought this was good until page 6 - don't get me wrong - I love the twist it's just that:

SPOILER ALERT

When they all meet - The dialogue seemed unnatural for the circumstances you set up - she hasn't see this dude for almost a year and is over delighted (I would think he would be difficult to recognize). Both Steve and Deanne are way too familiar with this virtual stranger to Dee and a complete one to Dee. They aren't going to share the details of their proposals with him.

Wasn't crazy about the poem - kind of hitting us over the head - I think the happy anniversary suffices -

I also think there should be some inner dialogue from Tim regarding what was part of the theme I thought you were setting up when he met Steve (if I am wrong - ignore this).  I thought you were trying to establish that the man Deanne settled for (Steve) was not quite the catch that Tim would have been (e.g., cheap ring, etc). It is kind of dropped.

Anyway - there is a lot to like here - I just felt derailed a bit when they all met. All the best

Hey, Chris. I thought this was nicely written and cute. My main problem was this.

Quoted from RichardR And after a year of no contact she comes up with his name right off?  Maybe.

I think if she's going to react the way she does, then maybe you should add a few more instances where they spent "real" time together. She seemed awful happy to see someone that she has no relationship with, and has only seen twice, shortly, one year ago.

I'd also maybe change the name from First Anniversary to just The Anniversary.

On a totally unrelated note. I can't read, hear - "so playful" without thinking of this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hAlxNNvfvJs

Hey Chris,

I really enjoyed this. The only thing that should be changed in my opinion (as said before) is Deanne's reaction to Tim when he approaches her at the restaurant. I just find it hard to believe that she'd recognize him right off the bat like she did. I find it even harder to believe that she'd get up and hug him like they were old pals. I mean she's only seen the guy twice, and that was a year ago. That was my only problem with this. Other than than an overall pretty good read!

Hi folks,

Thanks for the reads and great feedback.

A couple of common themes here and the main one being that how could Deeanne remember Tim from 2 meetings about a year ago. I actually wrote this first time with her not remembering him at all and a him having to explain the crash, who he was etc... But in what I wanted to be a short and punchy story seemed to drag on with the restaurant scene in that format. So I considered the '16 stitches fall' and the guy who caused it/ but saved her was enough for her to remember their 2 brief meetings... A bit of a stretch probably.

Dave, the poem was what I thought was the weakest part of this... agree that it is mostly irrelevant just wanted to make Tim look more of a sensitive 'catch' as opposed to Steve. And being so sensitive this revelation of her being engaged now was even more devastating.

Richard.. as always I get different perspectives and alternate pathways from your feedback. Your idea of a double cross interests me... a different path to pursue but more dramatic. I like it (might have to start co-authoring you with some of my re-writes   )

Vlad/Dem... I laughed at the 'playful' clip !!

Thanks again folks!!  Cheers  Chris

Quoted from cbead So I considered the '16 stitches fall' and the guy who caused it/ but saved her was enough for her to remember their 2 brief meetings... A bit of a stretch probably.

It's not a stretch at all. I'm sure she'd remember him. But why would she be so chummy with him after two brief meetings. The way it's written, there's an impression that they are close friends that haven't seen each other for some time. Which is easily fixed with a few lines of dialogue.

I liked this one. I thought it was cute. I would change the resturant scene as others have noted and I would also change the flashbacks. I would make them a bit more obsucre. Or just have him talk about it, but not show them.