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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Insight Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: February 28th, 2016, 6:44pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Insight by Richard Russell - Short, Drama - A man finds a way to us his unique foresight to  make money. 9 pages - pdf, format


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: February 28th, 2016, 7:25pm Report to Moderator
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I liked this, nice idea and flowed well... I think there's an issue with the logic at the end with Ted, but just might be me...

Good job.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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rendevous
Posted: February 28th, 2016, 7:48pm Report to Moderator
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Away

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I think you're missing an e from your logline. I don't have any e's, although I've heard they are very popular with the younger types.

Wet bar. Not a term I'm too familiar with. But then there's a whole warehouse of stuff I don't know. As he gets whiskey from it I think just 'bar' would have served better.

Intriguing start. The dialogue could probably do with trimming a little. But maybe two charismatic actors could make it work.

There's something weird going on with the spacing in your dialogue in parts. Either that or I'm seeing things. It looks like some of it has been justified, like they do in newspapers. It should be just left aligned.

p5 - Boinking her? Sounds a bit too silly. I'm all for silly, but that spot there wasn't the time or the place. It takes the weight out of what he is saying. Banging would work better.

Felt a little messy towards the end. There is a good idea here, but it needs a bit more work.

R


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

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Nolan
Posted: February 29th, 2016, 4:25pm Report to Moderator
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I had to read the scene in Ted's office a few times to understand what happened.  My first initial thought was that they both new Paul was going to die and had worked together to scam him.  But after reading it a few times I realized what actually happened.  As far as advice if there's anything that could be fixed up, I'm still a newbie to screenwriting so I probably won't catch much unless it's blatantly obvious .  

But maybe take a look at the interaction between Ted and Alfred?  I'm a little slow sometimes too though, so it could just be me!

It was certainly intriguing enough for me to read it a few times to figure it out, if that's worth anything.

Nolan
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