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I really liked this. I had a good chuckle reading their conversation. I don't know what ethnicity Safeer is by his name, but I couldn't help but read his lines in a Russian accent!
This was fantastic! Very low budget, easy to film. Just a room and two actors. Nice. Really liked the irony at the end, there. And the writing was competent. Dialogue natural. I pictured Borat a little bit mixed with Balky from that 80s sitcom "Perfect Strangers".
@ Cloroxmartini -- Safeed's motive to investigate Colton was because Colton laughed at him. I do think maybe there should be a shot of Colton stamping a piece of paper with the word DENIED in bold red to really drive it home -- adding injury (denying him his candidacy) to insult (laughing at the poor guy).
- Hi Nolan, glad you liked it! Safeer, as far as I know, is a Pakistani name. I had in mind someone like Peter Sellers in "The Party", but the guy could be from another country, of course.
- Hey, Richard, glad this one worked for you. Thanks for the read and your time!
- Thank you for the read, cloroxmartini! Safeer just wanted to get back at Colton for disrespecting him at the exam.
- Wow, Michael, thanks! I certainly don't mind receiving compliments from writers like you. As for your suggestion, it makes sense, but I don't think the candidates are supposed to see the results before they are officially available.
- Hi Dustin, thanks for your kind words! I also hope some producer reads and likes the script.
Quick and to the point -- genuinely funny too. I'd echo others in that you could give Safeer more of a motive in going after Colton. Unless I missed something he passed the test -- having Colton deny him (cause Colton's a dick) gives you that angle.
Steve
My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:
Manolis, as per usual you have a special talent for this snappy short 'short' comedic routine with a great punchline. Very well done, and enjoyable. Btw, I loved Peter Sellers in The Party and Being There - now I'll read it again and imagine him playing the role.
I'll also just add I think I'd go a more sophisticated route with the logline, but that's just me.
I'd love to see this on screen. Good luck with it.
- Hi, Steve, thank you for the comment! No, Safeer doesn't pass the test – I tried to make that clearer in the rewrite (see below). But glad you liked the script, overall.
- Thanks for the read and the kind words, Libby! You're right about the logline – too lazy. I’ll try to come up with a better one. Thanks again!
Here's a bit longer version of the script. I expanded the ending to give Colton the chance to be an even bigger dick to Safeer. Not sure if it works better than the original one, though. Any opinions?