SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 28th, 2024, 2:26pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Action/Adventure Scripts  ›  Those Damned Engineers Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 2 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    Those Damned Engineers  (currently 1335 views)
Don
Posted: March 5th, 2016, 9:41am Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
Those Damned Engineers by Lee Field - Action, Adventure - Outnumbered ten to one a group of untrained, combat engineers manages to defeat the spearhead of the German offensive during the height of the Battle of The Bulge in the winter of 1944. 108 pages - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
stevemiles
Posted: March 12th, 2016, 3:36pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
745
Posts Per Day
0.16
Lee,

Not the best with log-lines, but to me this feels like you’re giving the game away.  You’re essentially setting the premise and then telling us the outcome i.e. good guys (underdogs) defeat the bad guys (Nazis).  Much as we could probably guess at the outcome, I’d think it best to leave it out.  Give us a reason to want to open this up.

Read up to p.25 -- familiar premise -- puts me in mind of Miracle at St. Anna, Saints and Soldiers, Fury etc. (I'd check out their log-lines for an idea of how to approach your own) -- the small band of brothers forced to fight against overwhelming odds.  Not to say it’s a bad thing -- it seems to work and WW2 underdog stories continue to get made so…  I guess the idea here is to pitch a group of non-combat soldiers into that scenario and have them rely on their engineering skills to win the day…  I can get with that.  Is it based on a real life event?

To be honest the writing here needs attention, something you need to address before you can really get into the story beneath -- often you’re ‘telling’ us what’s going on in the action rather than presenting the scene visually.  The read feels fractured, more of an outline in places.

Anyway, not trying to bash your efforts, I’ll post more if I know you're around and looking to get involved here.

All the best,

Steve


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 1 - 2
NW3
Posted: March 13th, 2016, 8:49am Report to Moderator
New


Posts
121
Posts Per Day
0.02
It says Inspired By Actual Events on the title page and I should think also by the 1965 film THE BATTLE OF THE BULGE. The writer takes a huge liberty with the massacre which was very much a real life event: <https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Malmedy_massacre> The name of the SS man responsible is spelled wrongly about half the time in the script, and other errors made it hard to take seriously.

Lee, if you are around, there are things you can improve. The writing, as Steve says, needs attention.

For example, because it's an important part of motivation for the eventual act of retribution, make it clear about the relationship of the lover buddies when we first meet them. That came unexpectedly for me when one witnesses the other's death.

Descriptions are overlong in an effort to explain:


Quoted from THOSEDAMNEDENGINEERS.pdf

  EXT. CAMP - DAY

  The last of the line for the American expeditionary force in
  Europe, far from the front this is where men go to
  recuperate from battle. Mainly support personal hardly any
  infantry or battle ready troops.

  Men and material are scattered around in organized chaos.
  There seems to be no discernible order to anything. Man walk
  around lazily smoking like there is not a care in the world.
  The only people that seem real busy are the cooks.





Instead of pumping all this dry information at the reader, have characters relate the important parts. You could have a new arrival shown around, an officer on inspection or perhaps David can sneak Marie into camp and tell her.


                      DAVID
            These men are here to recuperate.
            Mainly support personnel, combat
            engineers and the like.

                      NEW GUY
            Nobody looks busy.

                      DAVID
            Just the cooks.



That's to show the men are, as you say, growing fat and complacent. When you want to tell us about blowing bridges, this also goes on screen:


                      DAVID
            My guys are engineers, kind of a
            do-it-all, fix-all group.

                      MARIE
            What kind of thing do you fix?

                      DAVID
            [...]


This is not a proper solution, you see how clunky and unnatural too much of this would become. Better to leave out all exposition and trust the reader to grasp the story you are trying to tell; these are men at war and we know what they are facing without showing Hitler ranting at his desk. (HITLER should be in capitals when he is introduced.)

when Peiper opens fire, this is the beginning of "The largest land battle in History." Your story has minor characters on some pointless task suddenly surprised and immediately helpless. Ted says "We gotta get out here and warn them" and they become rabbits in a jeep. The sound of gunfire will have warned everybody anyway. Have your characters take an active part: the pair have been sent to scout for lumber, so perhaps they find a tree that has been smashed to the ground. As you build suspense you can also give story information:


                      TED
            What the heck kind of vehicle could
            have done this?

                      BAILY
            Hey, look at these tracks, you
            think some fool's been trying to
            manouever a tank up here?

                      TED
            That's crazy. Our guys haven't got
            a tank in twenty miles.


You have a story to tell, I can see it stems from the mystery surrounding the real Peiper's death. Perhaps instead of Inspired By, make it wholly fictional.




Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 2
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Action/Adventure Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006