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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  A Child Outside Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: March 13th, 2016, 6:50pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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A Child Outside by Chris Keaton - Short, Horror, Thriller - A mother pays the ultimate price to rid her life of demons. 4 pages
This is a disturbing short (under 10 minutes) no blood, gore, or on screen violence. Limited location and only 3 actors, only 2 with lines.  - pdf, format


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RichardR
Posted: March 20th, 2016, 10:37am Report to Moderator
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Chris,

Some Notes.

We open with a pretty good scene.  I’m not sure the dialogue is needed.  The dialogue gives away the next scene which I don’t think you want to do.  You can accomplish the same thing more subtly by having her make sure there’s room on the couch for a second body.

The next scene again has some dialogue that might be replaced by action, say, the sign of the cross or the kissing of the cross around her neck.  

In the next scene, we start with Susie on the floor and then suddenly in the water.  Make it one way or the other.  

The last scene is fine, although I’m not sure about some of her dialogue.  I like the ‘god forgive me’, but the rest doesn’t work for me.  The reveal at the end works although you might try a slightly different approach.

Which brings us to how to make this a little better.  Since mom is dealing with demons, I don’t see all the weeping and sorrow.  She has to do this, and if you make her hard, then the audience will think  it’s mom who’s the demon, not the girls, which, I think, is what you want.  Then, the reveal at the end gets more powerful.  Mom wasn’t  nuts, she was righteous.  Your audience runs with it.

Best
Richard
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