A Valediction by Evan Davis - Short, Drama - After being diagnosed with a terminal illness a man sets out on a journey of self reflection, and through chance encounters with strangers discovers his purpose in life. 24 pages - pdf, format

I've read your script.  I love the story.  It's a very good message.  I thought I'd give you a few things that stuck out to me.

Doctor Allen's lines don't seem very "doctorly".  Perhaps instead of "It's pancreatic cancer", have him use the proper term then simplify for the patient... "It's a pancreatic adenocarcinoma, pancreatic cancer".  Also instead of "We didn’t catch it quick enough" you could have him say something like "It's fully metastasized"...

Page 12 appears to have a formatting glitch.

On page 20:  "Victor stops eating and stairs at Tyler in shock."  I believe you want "stares" not "stairs".

On page 21: "With that Victor walks of" should be "walks off".

Other than these few nit-picks I love it.

GGutshall - thank you so much for the suggestions and kind words.  This was my first draft and I didn't go through and check it for typos (my bad). I wanted to get it out and get feedback before working it over.  I'm going to take your suggestions and use them in my update.  Thank you so much!

Evan,

Some notes.

We start with an extended scene where the protag gets the bad news.  The question is why?  You’re going to spend the next several scenes revealing that info over and over.  Your audience will yawn.  You might consider dumping the scene and starting with him by the river.  Having him scream out without a preamble might intrigue the audience.

The bar scene doesn’t work for me.  Why?  Because it becomes a talking head scene where the bartender becomes a shrink.  A long-winded effort that wouldn’t hold my interest if I were sitting in the audience.

The scene with Ellen begins pretty well but again drops into talking head mode.  And she too, waxes eloquent with advice.  

On t to the pastor.  It’s the same scene with a different speaker and a slightly different message.  

Then, we get to Victor and the story picks up.  Victor is a nice character.  If he could get a little help, he could make it.  The Protag becomes a savior, and that’s a good thing.  He’s trying to make up for lost time.  I’ll buy it.  I don’t buy him on the bench telling the audience what they’ve already seen.  We know he did all those things.  We don’t need to hear it again.

The reversal at the end is OK with me.  Seems a bit heavy-handed, but I’ll run with it.  Running into Ellen again seems forced.  Put him back at the playground, and I’ll buy it.  

Overall, this is a morality tale that seems a bit too preachy to me.  The characters become new-age gurus, just what the protag needs.  There really isn’t much conflict.  So, I think you can do better with some culling and rewriting.

Best
Richard

Thanks Richard for the input, would you be willing to allow me to PM you to discuss some of this a bit further?  There was something I was aiming to convey in the story that I must not have done very well since it's a couple of the things you mentioned.  I would like to explain it and get your feedback on how I could better incorporate it into this story.  Thanks!

Evan

Send me a message and I'll answer

Richard

Hi Evan,
I liked your script, it was very easy to read. I found some dialogues and certain parts a bit cliched and preachy, a bit less of big-worded advice from strangers would be better. I liked the twist when Anna finds him and tells him about the mistake, I didn't expect that! On the last page you have one unfilmable thing when Tyler meets Victor, 'He is clean, well dressed, on his way to work.' You can't really film that he's going to work, perhaps you could have them make a short conversation during which Victor says that he's on his way to work.

Thanks Marcela, I'll take your suggestions into consideration for my rewrite.  I appreciate the feedback!