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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Sod's Law Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: March 31st, 2016, 6:04pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Sod's Law by Chris Skoyles - Short, Drama - Two long time friends, one an aspiring law student with a place at a top university, the other a drop-out weed dealer, meet up for "one drink." When fate brings an end to their night, Sod's Law dictates who lives, and who dies. 35 pages - pdf, format


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RichardR
Posted: April 1st, 2016, 12:51pm Report to Moderator
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Chris,

some notes.

I waded through this, and there are some problems.  The formatting is far from standard.  In fact, it's not even uniform.  You need to edit heavily.

The story itself is slow and predictable.  You take untold minutes to get to the first point which is Paul's letter.  Why do we need all the stuff about how the town awakes?  It won't come into play later.  Then, you take a very long time to bet and Sarah together and longer yet to get with John who becomes a bar room philosopher, as does Paul.  Sorry, the dialogue reads far too long and far too common.  

Take a look to cutting this one to no more than 10 pages.  You don't need more than a short scene or two to intro John, same with Paul and Sarah.  Get them into some kind of conflict.  Find some tension for Sarah and Paul.  Find some real conflict between John and Paul.  Their discussion of alcohol versus pot has been done how many times?  If you're going to take up this debate, do some research and give these guys something more than anecdotal observations.  At least Paul, our resident brainiac, would know some stats about drug use, no?

I suggest you read a lot of scripts and study how good writers get in and out of a scene quickly, how they introduce characters briefly but totally.  It's not easy.  

Best
Richard
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