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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  The Incumbent Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: April 3rd, 2016, 7:17pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Incumbent by Steve Meredith - Short, Drama - As they walk out of their office on Election Day, Jason Moore and Ben Davis, two of U.S. Senator Chuck Kilbride's employees discuss the Senator's chances at winning re-election. 8 pages - pdf, format


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  April 4th, 2016, 5:50pm
fixed link
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Don
Posted: April 4th, 2016, 5:50pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The link has been fixed.

- Don


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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SAC
Posted: April 4th, 2016, 6:28pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

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Still get a 404, Don.


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Don
Posted: April 4th, 2016, 10:37pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Fixed for real this time.  

Apologies.

- Don


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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RichardR
Posted: April 5th, 2016, 1:29pm Report to Moderator
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Steve.

Some notes.

I don't find a real story here or real conflict.  Basically, it's two talking heads who chat about an election and their futures.  And it's just chat.  Nothing really happens, not even an election.  Neither man has been let go.  Neither man says anything untoward.  They manage to reassure each other for 8 pages.  Where is the story?  Where is the reverse?  What is terribly interesting about these two?  Believe me, I can't hold the audience for 8 minutes with nothing but talk between two characters--not without the talk being compelling for some reason.  In this case, they tell each other they're really good and will land on their feet....hmmm

I have a feeling this is just part of a larger story.  It's a setup for something to come, and if it is, make it shorter.  Get them through this and onto the heart of your tale.

Best
Richard
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Hunter
Posted: April 5th, 2016, 2:12pm Report to Moderator
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I'm really interested in politics, so I was interested in this one. The first thing that seems odd is that these people working for the senator are heading home at five o'clock on election day. I would think they would be working late that night.

That's quite a pessimistic expectation from Jason. Although it makes sense with the context provided, it sounds like people don't like the president, and they are of his party, and they are likely in a swing state.

Overall, a good little story about how the jobs of so many people, like these two, are in the hands of the American voters.


I would love feedback on any of these!
Back to Class: http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1453330945/ (comedy series, RECENTLY UPDATED DEC. '16)
Cause & Effect: http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1472594865/ (comedy-drama series)
Waking Up: http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1452376264/ (comedy series)
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eldave1
Posted: April 5th, 2016, 5:35pm Report to Moderator
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No there - there for me. This conversation was far too long and it ended up really nowhere. Was this part of something else?


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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