If I had the time I'd read it all I would, but here's advice I can give you from what I read. Your description of the first two characters is way too much.
Quoted Text ALISTAIR, a man in his mid forties with a broad physique
and with hair thinning atop his head sits on the edge of a
tombstone with his back to an open grave while smoking a
cigarette. He is dressed in a gray pinstripe suit with his
tie loosened; the suit fits him a little tight because of
his muscles. |
That could be cut down to.. Alistair, 40s, muscles that almost bust out of his pinstripe suit doesn't make up for his receding hairline - smokes a cigarette on top a tombstone with his back to an open grave. Even that is too much for me, but yet it's still half of what you have. Also, try and make your description verbs active as opposed to passive. Eliminate "is" and "are" when you can. And even (when you can), get rid of words ending with "ing". For example:
Quoted Text In the hole is a fat man, he is tied up and his mouth is
gagged. He squirms around in the grave and tries to scream
through the linen covering his mouth. |
Could change to: In the hole lies a: FAT MAN, squirms as he tries to loosen his hog tie and gag. The lesser the description the better. Makes for a fast paced read. No one wants to spend two hours reading a 90 page screenplay. Try this website for how to stay in present tense and write active. It helped me a lot. http://reelauthors.com/screenplay-coverage/screenwriting-present-tense-and-active-voice.phpAll in all, you're off to a good start. The first 10 was definitely interesting. Keep at it. |
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Sinew
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