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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    April 2016 OWC  ›  Erection Man - OWC Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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Don
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 9:56am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Erection Man by 0 - Short, Comedy, Short, Sketch - Depressed and unappreciated, Erection Man meets up with a branding specialist to give his image a much needed lift. 6 pages - pdf, format


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cbead
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 10:19am Report to Moderator
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Well written piece. Dialogue driven with some witty lines.

You shouldn't get stiffed with this one


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Equinox
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 10:30am Report to Moderator
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In case I was supposed to get what she does, I have to say I missed it. Other than that, quite a funny dialog.


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DustinBowcot
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 10:35am Report to Moderator
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I laughed at the title... and then at the logline.

Liked the twist in that he erects buildings. A little confused on whether this is a US or UK writer. If I had to, then I'd say this is a writer from the UK. A decent effort, nice job.
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irish eyes
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 12:39pm Report to Moderator
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There`s too much blood in my alcohol

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Title and longline sets it up for a world of Innuendos

Although the dialogue was pretty preDICtable( see what I did there) it was still a fun read and an enjoyable Superhero.

Good job on entering


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DanC
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 1:00pm Report to Moderator
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This was funny.  I enjoyed all of the innuendos.  I thought you could have taken it further, er longer.  You could have had him in flashback playing with his erector set and loving it too much...

It was funny.  You did a good job.  The dialog was good.

Not any action, but, that's okay for a 6 pager.

8/10


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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Wes
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 1:50pm Report to Moderator
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Funny. Moves quickly. Good dialogue. Although I have to agree that a lot of the jokes were predictable.
I'd love to keep reading. What does Vagina Woman do? And Tongue Girl?


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James McClung
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 2:40pm Report to Moderator
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What a strange, inconsistent, sometimes stupid, sometimes brilliant little short.

The conflict and corresponding double entendre at the center here is brilliant. The quips that come along with it are about half and half. Some land ("That must chafe"). Some don't ("Juggle three balls"?).

I would go ahead and cut every single instance of Randolph *realizing* he's made a pun by making an "err" sound or adding some follow-up line. They make the jokes seem forced where they don't need to be in the slightest. I mean, all the jokes are sorta corny, obvious and effortless. Like anyone's gonna miss them. By cutting them, you'd also have the added humor of Randolph being just completely oblivious to what he's saying, despite how obvious it is, thus making the lameness of the jokes sorta work to your advantage.

I'd also cut the Vagina Woman/Tongue Girl references, as well as Randolph's names that aren't double entendres (Sir Hard On, Phallus Man). They're not that funny, really, but the main thing is they hurt the running Erection Man joke, which is the best thing you have going for you. I mean, by pairing Erection Man with those names, the double entendre is removed completely, since at that point, you're forced to read the name in no other context but the sexual one. I'd come up with better names in keeping with the dual meanings, e.g. Box Woman or Snatch Girl. Those aren't great, but at least you could read them multiple ways.

Also, where are the stakes here? Randolph is dismissive right from the start and doesn't let his guard down. Somehow, this seems lost on Erection Man, which I'm not sure why since he realizes he's dismissed by everyone else. In any case, there's no point, at least to me, where it seems like Randolph is gonna help this guy out, so we're basically just watching a guy beg the whole time.

Dig the central premise, but a mixed bag for me.



Revision History (1 edits)
James McClung  -  April 26th, 2016, 9:52am
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stevie
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 3:54pm Report to Moderator
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Damn, the title made me 'stand up straight' and almost gave me the horn...

Had real potential this but doesn't quite make it for me. Not enough funny lines. I think with a high concept idea like this, you need to keep the one liners and stuff pumping full on (no pun intended lol).

Writing was good but i didn't laugh as much i hoped

4 laughs out of 10



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Conz
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 4:12pm Report to Moderator
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I enjoyed this one until the mention of "Vagina Woman."  To that point the innuendo was reasonably clever (despite the "on the nose" name)  and I enjoyed the Randolph character, but the unimaginative "Vagina Woman" just bugged me, and that took off the rails.  You attempted to save it with the closing line, but it still bugged me.

Still, there was some good back and forth... which is not innuendo


I'd list my "work" here, but I don't know how to hyperlink.  

"Career" Highlights
-2, count em, 2 credits on my IMDB page.  
-One time a fairly prominent producer e-mailed me back.  
-I have made more than $1000 with my writing!
-I've won 2 mugs... and a thong.  (polaroids of me in thong available for $10 through PM)

@vc_wg - because I crave attention
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 5:23pm Report to Moderator
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Some good and witty banter here and the idea that he needs a re-brand has good potential.

As a couple have mentioned, I didn;t like the shift away from innuendo with Vagina Woman... too OTN, maybe Beaver Woman would have kept to a similar tone?

Good effort


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Ryan1
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 9:08pm Report to Moderator
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I liked the premise more than the execution.  Not bad but could have plowed deeper into the subject matter.
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stevie
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 9:13pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Ryan1
I liked the premise more than the execution.  Not bad but could have plowed deeper into the subject matter.


Roger that, RL  



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IamGlenn
Posted: April 25th, 2016, 6:28am Report to Moderator
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:)

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0,

Probably one of the better titles. By page five, this has been just a long conversation, one man ribbing the other because of his name. It's funny, I get that, but it gets a little repetitive. And it goes on til the end, with the added bonus of Vagina Woman. Not one for me. Too much talk, not enough substance.

Good luck,

Glenn.


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Cameron
Posted: April 25th, 2016, 7:14am Report to Moderator
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It's one hell of a long conversation, but the wang laden innuendo is somehow charming. Missing some proper laugh out loud momments, but it's a good read
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