Local Hero by Peashooter Parker - Short, Comedy - A teenager discovers he's from a long line of superheroes with quite unusual powers and a famous arch nemesis. 6 pages - pdf, format

Writer,

Not bad. Some funny moments with the butt cheeks at the beginning. Gotta admit I got a little lost with all the VO and stuff. Maybe that was just me. Overall, a little disjointed and really not for me.

Steve

The V.O kills his thing quicker than an old peashooter.

Not sure what's going on really and I don't find it very funny.  There are attempts at humor and I appreciate that, but it doesn't work for me or hold my interest, remotely.

I'm out on Page 2.

Okay, I slogged through it. Had to re-read a couple of places where I'd get lost. Like, I'm not sure who gets "Clocked" with what.
Sorry but I didn't care for it much.

Liked this!  Needs to be tightened a little but quite fresh and original.

7 laughs out of 10

This was pretty good. I thought Son was Daniel maybe I have to read it again why you interchanged between the 2.

Either way the VO didn't bother me and comedy wise, it wasn't too bad.

Good job on entering

A family of supers with a secret - good. A reluctant hero - good. But something in this didn't work for me.

The actual hero part was a tad week and in effect didn't really affect his life. You need to you use your nose shooter if you don't want to etc

The spiders then seemed a tad weird and completely different and unconnected.

Minor point but I couldn't see why the girl next door would scare him about a mystery tattoo on his butt?

The pea scene with the drunk lad was an opportunity that wasn't fully used, IMO.  Why not a muscle boy moving in on the pretty girl across the fence. At first he misses and something happens - eg goldfish bowl behind bursts - but eventually nails him , or her etc

By the way the VO works fine for me in this scenario.

Got potential.

Well written for the most part - Just couldn't get into a peashooter as a Superhero.

No idea what the spiders have to do with anything in this, and that element seemed a bit confused.

But I did like the Stan Lee gag, made me smile.

Nice try

I feel like a broken record.

This didn't work for me either.  It just wasn't funny.  It did have 2 funny lines, which is something, I guess.  Nice try for entering.

I wish I could add more, but, I agree with what everyone said above.

Dan

This was just silly.  Not in a good way.

I particularly didn't care for the part where the VO breaks the 4th wall and describes Stan Lee.

The story droned on and on and on and then it ended.  There needs to be a story for me to get into it.

Congrats.

Jordan

This was pretty weird, and the comedy just wasn't really for me.

Make sure you don't put any dialogue you want in the description e.g. the girl asking him what's wrong. If she has a line, format it properly as dialogue.

Few errors here and there. A pet peeve is when people use common phrases but don't know the correct words - it's 'intents and purposes' not 'intense and purposes'.

Lots of butt exposing, and Stan Lee are positives. The rest is a little all over the place with the VO over reliance especially. Still I had a smile on my face pretty much through the read.

Messy but I still quite liked it

Pages one and two, had me cracking up. Hilarious. I think the end falters somewhat, but definitely has lots of potential with the right investment of creativity. A consider. Nice job.

The writing is fine except for one or two moments of clunkiness. I like the idea of a superhero with a useless/stupid power as well. But this was too cute/juvenile for me. It's not even *that* useless, as apparently it works out for him in the end.

Not a fan of the V.O. Pretty generic/bland. No real jokes to speak of. Just exposition. I feel like if you're gonna use V.O., you need to come up with a compelling, unique voice for your character, i.e. even more compelling and unique than everything else, since V.O. is so vulnerable of sinking into cliche.

All the ass seemed a little cheap to me. I feel like I've read one or two other scripts thus far involving images and references of body parts that are supposed to be funny, where the only gag is said body parts basically existing, not doing anything. I don't think the tattoo's enough. Lots of people have tattoos on their ass.

Not for me.