Super Singles by Stan Lee (a different Stan Lee) - Short, Comedy - For one night only,  Professor X seeks to spread hero-mance between the greatest, the not-so-great, and the unheard of.  7 pages - pdf, format

Interesting title and longline.

You creeped over the page count by a few lines, but still one of the funnier scripts I've read.
Plenty of superheroes on show along with the wannabes. Quick one liners and a nice ending... I wasn't sure what was gonna happen with Laura.

Great job on entering.

I'm sorry, but any entry that goes over the page count is gonna be out for me, as I remember all too well how much time and trouble I've spent making sure my entries NEVER went over that limit.

Your opening passage is extremely weak with many mistakes.  How can anyone "see" "the smell of stale beer and body odor"?  Really poor beginning.

Writer,

Very funny in places! The whole scene seems like one big mash up, and it makes for quite a visual. Just not so sure there's a story in here as much as its about a bunch of one liners -- albeit funny one. Even the tide wouldn't take you out!  

Steve

Ok, the writer of this contacted me and explained why he went over. It was a pretty legit reason involving a shag opportunity (sorry bro lol) . Being a bit of a farkin larrikiin meself, I could identify with his quandary so here's my two bobs worth:

Nice idea, pretty well written and I got some good laughs from it!

7 laughs out of 10

Oh I enjoyed that

Do I mark you down on the page count, I should because it was an easy fix with just the removal of one gag. But I still liked it

'Not even the tide would take you out '

What also quite good about this is the the ability to have it filmed. I guessed this competition would be split between the those that are a sketch, single location more banter, and those more story style. Both are fine IMO for this challenge.

I enjoyed.

Sorry, this didn't work for me.  I guess I'm the odd person out, but, I didn't feel it.  

I found it sad.  Not good for a comedy.

All the Aquaman hate, why?  What'd he do to you?  I used to like his HB cartoon back in the 60s...  Yeah, I'm old.

6/10

Dan

It's a shame you crept over the page count as there's some really good stuff in there.

A few minor formatting issues, and also not any real laugh out loud moments, but definitely enough to keep me reading. It's a good effort but the page count rules it out for myself

There’s some truly great one liners in here but no reason at all for going over the page count. You could easily trim those few lines.

However, that aside I found this all over the place. The dialogue was funny but the rest was a real mash of….everything really and quite confusing. I think (and correct me if I’m wrong here) Don stipulated unknown superheroes so scripts had the potential to be produced without worrying about franchise/legal issues. A few scripts like this have used licences heroes which blows all such opportunity out of the water.

Loved the verbal gags but the rest didn’t do much for me, sorry.

-Mark

Hey guys,
      This only has 8 comments, including my review.  That isn't right.  This writer spent time and heart on this script.  We should give it some reads.  

No, I didn't write this one either.  I just feel bad for them.

Dan

Not really my kind of humour, but I can see that this is liked by most that have read it. Maybe I'd laugh if I watched it, but reading it, I found it difficult to get into the humour. Well written.

Woke up early this morning, so I figured I should read and comment on at least one script. Picked this one due to lack of comments. Not sure why there are so few of them. Did it go over the page count? If so, I didn't notice because it was a quick read. I've also read a few other entries, but didn't comment. At least not yet. One script I read was loaded with "comedy" in the action paragraphs, but there was none in dialogue or visually that would show on film. This script had both IMHO. When writing comedy, it's important to have some comedic feel in the prose too. That helps keep the mood on track while reading.

As someone who despises superheroes, I'm not familiar with any of them other than the biggest ones like Superman and Batman. Because of this, I'm sure I missed some of the jokes. Regardless, I thought this one had some funny visuals and some great oneliners as well. I personally would ditch the watermelon through a garden hose though. Unless that one is so common these days it's almost standard issue. I had some construction guys at work outside my office. I think they forgot I was in there, so for two days, I had to listen to them. One guy boasted that his girlfriend could suck a golfball through a garden hose. The other guy replied with, that should come in handy next time you get a kidney stone. Anyway, I guess what I mean is, it's a good joke. A classic even, but feels stale when used in a comedy.

The start of this script was a little confusing. I pictured this bar with all these low lifers. I had no idea they were supposed to be superheroes, but that's an easy fix.

Like most good comedies, this one had it's sad moments as well and genuinely felt sorry for Laura. What would make this story better is if Laura somehow could get her comeuppance against the beautiful Wonder woman and Cat woman.

Good effort here, IMO. There was comedy and there were a bunch of superheroes.  

Quoted from Grandma Bear Woke up early this morning, so I figured I should read and comment on at least one script. Picked this one due to lack of comments. Not sure why there are so few of them. Did it go over the page count? If so, I didn't notice because it was a quick read. I've also read a few other entries, but didn't comment. At least not yet. One script I read was loaded with "comedy" in the action paragraphs, but there was none in dialogue or visually that would show on film. This script had both IMHO. When writing comedy, it's important to have some comedic feel in the prose too. That helps keep the mood on track while reading. As someone who despises superheroes, I'm not familiar with any of them other than the biggest ones like Superman and Batman. Because of this, I'm sure I missed some of the jokes. Regardless, I thought this one had some funny visuals and some great oneliners as well. I personally would ditch the watermelon through a garden hose though. Unless that one is so common these days it's almost standard issue. I had some construction guys at work outside my office. I think they forgot I was in there, so for two days, I had to listen to them. One guy boasted that his girlfriend could suck a golfball through a garden hose. The other guy replied with, that should come in handy next time you get a kidney stone. Anyway, I guess what I mean is, it's a good joke. A classic even, but feels stale when used in a comedy. The start of this script was a little confusing. I pictured this bar with all these low lifers. I had no idea they were supposed to be superheroes, but that's an easy fix. Like most good comedies, this one had it's sad moments as well and genuinely felt sorry for Laura. What would make this story better is if Laura somehow could get her comeuppance against the beautiful Wonder woman and Cat woman. Good effort here, IMO. There was comedy and there were a bunch of superheroes.

I agree, this story is a good read.  I only gave it 6 out of 10 b/c I like aquaman and some other errors, but, it's worthy of a read.  The fact that it barely has 10 unique comments (actually, I don't think it does) is criminal.  

Yes, it went over the page count, by like 4 lines.  Not a big deal.  It should have more reads.  

That's my rant for the day.

Pia's right, this story deserves better.

Dan

Not crazy about the opening:

Quoted Text The bar is dark in the barely lit room. The smell of stale beer and body odor fills the air. It's den of debauchery, alcoholism and the great unwashed of the town.

Already know it is a bar from the slug and the rest of the description is unfilmable. I would have rather had more actual description - e.g., The lights are dimmed, half empty shot glasses and empty beer bottles strewn about - etc. Anyway - minor detail.

Quoted Text JOE Now why the hell would I want another empty glass

Great line - made me laugh.

Quoted Text WOMAN (O.S.) Using your powers of stupidness I see.

think there should be a comma after stupidness (which I think would read better as stupidity - although I liked the line).

Quoted Text her face matches the backside of a rhino's scrotum.

Too over the top for me.

I got lost on Joe and Laura's super powers. Are they really detecting dog poop (Joe) and sucking (Laura)??? Laura's has a nice comedic element. Joe's not so sure.

Quoted Text JOE Sweet Magnatron! even the tide wouldn't take you out.

This is the funniest single line from the entire competition.

Matter Eater Lad didn't do it for me - took a couple of reads for me to fugure he ate the mic - maybe if you had him slurping up the last of the cord.

I'm at Hong Kong Phooey now - here - I MO - you've shifted from witty (earlier part of the script) to silly. I prefer witty. This doesn't work at all for me (i.e., the entire bath room thing).

Quoted Text Aquaman stands in the middle of the floor, scratches his chin, undecided.

Funny visual.

Quoted Text LAURA Wait, you're Batman. Blind as a bat.

This doesn't do it for me since Batman is not blind - Bats are. It should have been flipped somehow - her saying - you okay with the face and him saying something akin to I'm Batman - doesn't mean I'm blind as one.

Joe needs a better Super Power. I think it would work if his was the ability to change people's faces temporarily - that way he could have helped the Sis.

Overall:

Two of the funniest lines in the challenge - so kudos for that.

The bathroom scene moved this from clever to a bit inane and it could have been chopped (would have made making the page count a breeze).

Joe's Super Powers are not for me. I think you missed an opportunity here.  

Other than the opening bar description. The writing in terms of format, style, etc was pretty solid.

Bats are not actually blind. I read some recent research that suggests bats have eyesight just as good as our own, if not better in some species. Perhaps worse in others. But still, pretty good, and they aren't blind. They use echo location as an extra aid during nocturnal hunts.