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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Action/Adventure Scripts  ›  Black Panther Moderators: bert
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  Author    Black Panther  (currently 5561 views)
Don
Posted: June 7th, 2016, 4:30pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Black Panther by Vasean Daniels (vwolf2) - Action, Adventure - The Prince of a technologically advanced, hidden African Nation must find his Fatherís killers before larger events can be set in to motion, threatening to unmake the Nation he is sworn to protect.  118 pages - pdf, format


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Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  June 14th, 2016, 5:55pm
revised draft and logline
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Warren
Posted: June 13th, 2016, 3:24am Report to Moderator
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This logline was enough to stop me even looking at the script. Really needs a lot of tidying up. It's so long, confusing and it seems two of your characters have almost identical names, which never makes for an easy read.


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Dreamscale
Posted: June 13th, 2016, 10:11am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Yep...logline is absolutely terrible and riddled with errors of every kind imaginable.

Most likely, or hopefully, English is not Vasean's first language.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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vwolf2
Posted: June 13th, 2016, 1:19pm Report to Moderator
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Original Logline: The Prince of a technologically advanced, hidden African Nation must find his Fatherís killers before larger events can be set in to motion, threatening to unmake the Nation he is sworn to protect.
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Dreamscale
Posted: June 13th, 2016, 3:32pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Quoted from vwolf2
Original Logline: The Prince of a technologically advanced, hidden African Nation must find his Fatherís killers before larger events can be set in to motion, threatening to unmake the Nation he is sworn to protect.


Much better!

Only mistake now is 'in to" - should be "into"


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Lon
Posted: June 13th, 2016, 9:38pm Report to Moderator
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The similar names are straight out of the comics.  Black Panther's name is T'Challa; his father's name is T'Chaka.  Just sayin'.

Took a look at the script and, as expected, it's as sloppy and over-written as the logline.  That said, it jumps right in with an action sequence that, though it could have been better executed, does a decent enough job setting up T'Chaka as Panther (before T'Challa will inevitably take over the mantle).  But I'd lose the throw-down with the final thief.  As the extent of Black Panther's abilities has already been established in Captain America: Civil War, a single, unenhanced attacker wouldn't last a second against BP.  BP also wouldn't challenge the man to throw down his weapon and fight him hand-to-hand; his suit is bulletproof (made of vibranium, you could shoot him point blank and he wouldn't even flinch).  He's much more likely to tell the guy to go ahead and pull the trigger, then KO him before he can even tighten his finger.

This is the thing with writing fan-fiction: You have to know the characters.  Intimately.  You need to know the full extent of their abilities, their limitations, their personalities.  Trust that when it comes to comic book movies, fan-boys are a fickle bunch and will pick your story apart if you get even one character detail wrong--especially when it comes to as iconic and beloved a character as Black Panther.
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NW3
Posted: June 14th, 2016, 3:18am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from vwolf2
Original Logline: The Prince of a technologically advanced, hidden African Nation must find his Fatherís killers before larger events can be set in to motion, threatening to unmake the Nation he is sworn to protect.



Quoted from Dreamscale
Much better!

Only mistake now is 'in to" - should be "into"


I agree, except "in to" should be "in". There are bigger problems, as the script begins with CONTINUOUS in the first scene heading, and it's misspelled.

Hi vwolf2,

I read as far as the eye roll on page 11 and found the story entertaining with dialogue (for these characters) very good. I had to screen out description which has capitals where they are not needed and then none for "title: black panther". I'm not familiar with CAPTAIN AMERICA or Black Panther, how much of this is original?

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vwolf2
Posted: June 14th, 2016, 8:33am Report to Moderator
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I actually had this done way before the movie. The copyright is 2011 but I decided to upload it now for feedback. So this is very much an original screenplay I had no idea about Marvel's plans to introduce Black Panther in Civil War when I was writing this. At the time the only thing I'd heard was they were working on a movie. Also this isn't fan-fiction based on the movie, I've actually done a ton of research on the character and I wanted to be as close to the comics as possible in certain versions of the comics becoming the Black Panther is a deadly rite of passage so it was outlawed by one of T'Chaka's ancestors and T'Chaka was just working on his own abilities, that's why the fight is drawn out. His security team are all dressed like Black Panther to keep the myth of the protector going to scare off invaders but After T'Chaka's death T'Challa goes through the rite of passage to become the true Black Panther, in order to gain the power necessary to avenge his father. Thank you all for the feedback it will be very helpful.
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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: June 15th, 2016, 6:59pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from vwolf2
I actually had this done way before the movie. The copyright is 2011 but I decided to upload it now for feedback. So this is very much an original screenplay I had no idea about Marvel's plans to introduce Black Panther in Civil War when I was writing this.


I'm not going to read this. But I will say this.
Ate you really that dull?

You cannot copyright a script based on characters you do not own. Even if Marvel did not announce a black Panther film before the character showed up in Civil war, your excuse is bologna. Your script does not "pre-date" the character. This is not an "original screenplay"

You can't sell this.
You can't take this anywhere.



"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
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SteveDiablo
Posted: June 15th, 2016, 8:28pm Report to Moderator
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I think the writer is just stating the copyright proves he/she wrote it in 2011.
No idea why you are calling him/her dull and getting so worked up about it.


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vwolf2
Posted: June 16th, 2016, 1:57pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks that's exactly what I was saying I'm not planning on taking this any where. I wanted to hold on to his for more of a proof of concept to a film studio or a manager of some kind. I brought it here for feedback from other budding writers. But thanks DarrenJamesSeeley your feedback is duly noted.
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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: June 16th, 2016, 8:15pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from SteveDiablo
I think the writer is just stating the copyright proves he/she wrote it in 2011.


That is irrelevant.
If the writer so chooses they can pick something that is of public domain, and create his own spin on such. But for IPs that are owned by others..? It's a waste of time for the writer.

I considered the writer "dull" because his next work in progress (see other thread) is his take on Fantastic Four. It was shortly after that where I stumbled on this thread, and that's when, even though I alluded to it in the FF thread,I was a bit more strict about it here. Let me say that again. The writer notes that "he wants to hold on to this as proof pf concept" when it isn't his concept to begin with. Because there is Black Panther film on the way, in essence, he had wasted his time in writing it, and it seems he realized his error. So what does he do? Promote a work in progress based on other Marvel comics characters.

So my advice is to quit and work on something original which he can shop around when he's ready to do so. And he can copyright that, because it is characters and story that originated with him.


Quoted Text
No idea why you are calling him/her dull and getting so worked up about it.  


You might think I come across like a dick. So be it. If folks won't listen to professional readers,  agents or sold writers etc., why in the world would they listen to me? And that's what I mean by "dull". He's simply making the same error twice.


"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
The Art!http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/m-1190561532/s-105/#num106

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
DarrenJamesSeeley  -  June 16th, 2016, 8:32pm
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SteveC
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I think it's wonderful that you put so much work into researching an IP you care about. Even though it may not be produced, someone at Marvel could see that you know their world inside and out and, depending on their assessment of your writing ability, perhaps hire you to write something they have the rights to. So keep working on your craft. Great job!

A couple things to keep in mind as you work on your next project:

1. ALL CAPS for words other than the names of introduced characters are no longer industry standard, and a bit distracting.

2. Try not to use so many adverbs (words ending in 'ly', ex: nervously). See if you can find an appropriate action verb that doesn't need the enhancement of an adverb.

3. You also use "begins to" a lot. For the sake of the visual medium, keep with the active tense and cut out what's starting to happen. Write what happens.

n. All the other canned script-writing tips, keep action descriptions less than 4 lines; 3-10 rule for dialogue, blah blah blah.

Okay, that's my nitpicking. Feel free to pick apart my work :^)

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
SteveC  -  July 5th, 2016, 9:20pm
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vwolf2
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Thank you so much for your feedback it's incredibly informative and I'll be sure to check out your work.
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