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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  The Best Cut Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: June 16th, 2016, 7:59pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Best Cut by Brendan - Short, Dark Comedy - Doug and Alison are struggling to integrate themselves into their new, stuffy neighborhood. To combat this they throw a backyard BBQ. The situation goes from bad to worse after Doug unintentionally runs over the neighbors cat.  8 pages - pdf, format


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cloroxmartini
Posted: June 17th, 2016, 4:32am Report to Moderator
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EXT. STREET - AFTERNOON
1950íS ERA JAZZ PLAYS OVER:
Identical cookie-cutter houses line a nondescript, suburban
neighborhood. In the foreground there is an empty driveway.
Every other driveway contains huge, spotless, black luxury
SUVís.
Suddenly a compact Japanese car screeches into frame.
INT. CAR - AFTERNOON
DOUG, (36) pulls his car up to his driveway.
His hair is tussled, eyes wild. Sweat beads down his temple.
His phone rings. He picks it up as he throws the car into
reverse and begins to back into his driveway.

Is the Doug's driveway the empty driveway? If so, I never see that. The reason I read this is because the logline says a cat was accidentally run over.
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cloroxmartini
Posted: June 17th, 2016, 4:39am Report to Moderator
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I am getting the gist of this. I think you can make it tighter. Lose the shots and write because reading steadycam interrupts me.

"Suddenly, Pierre bursts into flames.." Hilarious, reminds me of Something about Mary scene with the dog; however I thought Doug took away the cat bag and now it's on the grill?

Back to the intro and driveway. I would leave the intitial shot of the empty driveway and then the rice burner comes to the empty driveway. You are looking for contrast so show it in the empty drive.
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cloroxmartini
Posted: June 17th, 2016, 4:41am Report to Moderator
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I don't like the ending because we already know it before you show it. I want to see what happens in the backyard but then again, what can you do. Doug is toast. Quite a challenge. Maybe cut to a week later with a "for sale" sign in the yard?
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Waleed
Posted: June 20th, 2016, 1:37am Report to Moderator
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I liked it. The plot was easy to connect from the dead cat to the BBQ. Just needs a little tweaking and I think it could work. You could change the reaction to the owners of the cat. Maybe the husband is secretly glad that the cat is dead, while the wife is wailing. But then you'd probably need to plant that the husband was displeased with the cat so the pay-off would have more of an impact. Just suggestions, of course. Hope it gets picked up!
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MarkItZero
Posted: June 20th, 2016, 3:29pm Report to Moderator
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Funny stuff. I agree the last scene probably isn't necessary. You can just have it end on Doug frozen in place with all this pandemonium around him. Maybe when the guy pukes he accidentally knocks over the grill and it lights more things/people on fire... then it just ends on a shot of Doug with screams in the b.g. and maybe someone running around on fire.

Also, I feel like it works better if Doug finds out he switched the bags right before it goes on the grill. So he's sprinting in slo mo to stop the guy from dumping the bag... but he's seconds too late.


That rug really tied the room together.
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Warren
Posted: June 20th, 2016, 10:24pm Report to Moderator
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Were a few kinda funny parts, but overall this fell short for me.

Lots of formatting errors, so many it distracted from the read. I am happy to expand on that if you like. You havenít checked in so won't go into it yet.

Good luck with it.


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RichardR
Posted: June 21st, 2016, 12:10pm Report to Moderator
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Brendan,

Some notes.

This one is pretty good.  Couple trying to impress neighbors and working like the devil to get it done.  The dead cat and the mix up.  Seems fine except for the ending which is telegraphed and a  let down.  You might think about giving the neighbors the same reaction, but it's to the cut of meat, not the cat.  And of course, the cat claws its way out of the bag at the end.  The cat isn't really dead, just stunned.  I love happy endings.

Best
Richard
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