Nameless Johnston by Peter Hodgins - Short, Drama - A Man avenges the death of his Great Grandchild. 6 pages - pdf, format

This needs a lot of work.

Just on the first page you have formatting issues, characters not being introduced in caps, parentheticals next to dialogue, and camera directions all over the place.

The use of "we see" is never a good idea. Show us, don't tell us.

The grammar is not great either.

I think reading some more scripts and articles on formatting will help you a lot.

Just wow.... who the hell thought it would be a good idea to add this stupid watermark!?

Sorry but this is a complete mess and totally unreadable for different reasons.

Peter,

Some notes.

First, this one does have issues.  Action paragraphs are far too long.  Camera directions are generally taboo.  Dialogue is on the nose and repetitive.  

The story itself is not a new one.  Someone wants justice that can't be achieved in a regular court, so a kangaroo court is convened.  In this case, it's about abortion, and while that is a topic that can be addressed, it should be handled more evenly.  The doctor would have a great deal more to say about the procedure and how it might have aborted a flawed fetus who may have inherited some undesirable family trait--easily observable in Grandpa.  What I'm saying is that you can't make it so easy for them.  Not with the kidnapping or the trial.  

Best
Richard