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Dead Man Driving by Kevin Adiyanto Kartono - Short, Crime, Thriller - When a debt puts his life in danger, a criminal sets to rob a drug-addicted old man. However, not everything goes as planned. 24 pages - pdf, format
By page five, I still didn’t really have any sense of what this was about.
Your main characters are Jay and Jimmy, easy to get mixed up especially when the dialogue for both of them reads exactly the same. I also found myself re-reading some dialogue to try and make some sense of it.
Lot of passive writing, as in, Jay is doing this, Jimmy is doing that.
Then there are grammar issues and a fair few typos.
First, this one isn't ready for prime time. It needs a fair amount of work. Let's start at the beginning.
The opening scene is not for the characters; it's for the audience. And that's the wrong reason to have the scene. These two guys know exactly what is going on, so they would not talk about it. If you insist on the scene, give them something cultural and connected to the story to discuss. Perhaps, they can talk about where rich people live. "If you had a million bucks, where would you live?" Don't worry about the audience, they will catch up soon enough.
The scene with Richard goes on far too long. What an 82 yr old is doing with a silenced pistol is beyond me. And I would guess the money sums are far too large. No user is going to pay 200K for drugs to use. That's in the distributor range. And if you make it smaller, it says more about the values of these thieves. They'll kill for 5k or less.
The shootout simply doesn't work for me, even with the flashback. If John wants this guy dead, why not just do it?
In any case, this story needs more thought, and the writing needs some culling and tightening.
Thank you very for reading and reviewing my script. I found your review really insightful and you also offered a lot of helpful suggestions. You also helped to make me realize the weak spots of my writing that I didn't realize before. Thank you very much once again.