The Batman by David Voss - Thriller, Action - Batman hunts a serial killer who leaves riddles as his modus operandi. 111 pages - pdf, format

Here are my thoughts on the first ten pages:

1. I love the way you open the movie with the shots of the villain finishing his handiwork, I can easily here a Hans Zimmer score over that.

2. The two thugs running from Batman is a good scene as well and I think with creative cinematography it could be a very tense scene. It also has shades of the Arkham games.

3. I think you're a bit too on the nose with Bullock, its much better to have his bigotry take more subtle forms than just flat out saying "great a black woman." Though I personally am tired of the "racist cop" trope it can still work, especially if its part of a character arc.

4. Montoya might a bit too on the nose as well, though its is forgivable since its hard to be subtle with a character that's new to the force.  Still having her come in and start questioning the way things are done isn't the best way to make friends.  Again if this is part of a larger arc its forgivable, just make sure there are pay offs.

5. I don't see any CUT TO:'s in the script, it might just have something to do with the file type but make sure you indicate when one scene cuts to another.

6. This is another personal preference but I'd cut back on the cursing a bit.  In my experience cursing is an art form you have to make it flow, and since this is a comic book movie, a Batman movie at that, people might be reluctant to slap it with an R rating.  I think Batman V Superman is an exception rather than a rule.

7. I'm not sure if elaborate "Saw" style traps are a great idea for the Riddler, though its an interesting idea and if Bruce's narration were a voice over for a flashback to those events it would be a very cool scene

8. I'm not a huge Batman buff but I'm glad you're adding in Sinoras, if he becomes Black Mask for revenge in this movie and comes in conflict with Batman then you've got a damn good subplot.


Hope my thoughts are helpful, just keep in mind I'm no expert these are just things off thetop of my head. Good luck.

Thanks for the read and comments, Graham.

I think you're right about Bullock and Montoya being too on-the-nose. I'll tone that down.

Some of you're other suggestions are good ones as well (though I like the idea of Riddler using Saw-like deathtraps; think Arkham games)... unfortunately the script does not exactly go in all of those directions. I might incorporate some of those ideas.

If you have the time or interest to continue reading, it would be much appreciated. If you have any scripts you want me to give a look at, I'd be happy to.

Best,
David

Just finished reading your script. This is rare for me on here, so I'll try to be as practical as I can.

1) The premise is good. Seldom do we see a psychotic Riddler in any medium, although I would like to have seen him not as typically self-defeating as usual.

2) The opening sequences are quite good. There's enough going on to draw in the reader. Even though your theme is consistent, the script does seem to dip in and out throughout the second act.

3) I agree with the previous post, far too "on the nose" with the dialogue, and unfortunately it seems like a recurring theme in the script. I noticed a number of times that you'll return back to something you've already explained. The exposition is already there, no need to repeat it. I refer to the "Flamethrower" of course. I lost count how many times it's mentioned.

4) The relationships between the characters are hit and miss. Alfred and Bruce is solid, however Batman's relationship with Gordon and the G.C.P.D. is far less enticing (Gordon seems very bit-part too) perhaps that's intended, but there's no dynamism in their relationship. Many of the characters seem far too conventional. There's no risk taking, nothing extraordinary about them.

5) Roman Sionis remains one of my favourite Batman villains to-date. He features heavily in my script. I was excited to see another's take on him, but again, without going into too much, he seemed to be taken straight out of an animated movie or video game. Be bold with the less known characters, you'll start to enjoy your writing more.

6) Ditto on the "saw-like" deathtraps; I wouldn't ever picture The Riddler as a straight up murderer. so this seems the only logical way for him to be really succeed as a "big bad". Montoya had an edge about her, but you built her up to make us assume she's a big part of the story, then she fades, getting little to no page time after the second act.

7) Now on to the more serious stuff: the physical writing. Like your dialogue, a lot of your description is excessive, and far too elaborate, and not in a good way. You don't have to describe every little thing that's happening. Oversimplifying can kill a script. By all means make it as clear to understand as possible, but be a little more creative when doing it.

This is just one of many passages I saw:

"Bruce tries to wriggle out of the chair he is bound to, but it is no use. Thick WIRES wrap his legs to the seat of the chair.

His hands are tied behind his back with ROPE. Bruce tries to maneuver his hands from the rope. After about ten seconds, he manages to loosen the knot and free his hands."

Although you're giving the reader good prose, you've used 4 lines when 2 will do. Try something like...

"Bruce attempts to wriggle free, but fails. His legs constricted by taut CABLE WIRE -- his hands bonded by ROPE. He tries to manipulate the knot, he struggles a moment -- then it loosens."

This way, your action is sharp and still gives the reader everything you intended. (A quick read) readers will appreciate it...

Also... "Fire pit". This had me scratching my head a little. The Riddler's compulsion is understandable, but don't fall into cheap thrills and unexplained segments. You also say...

"There are two minutes, fifty seven seconds left on the clock now. A fourth of the tank is filled with water."

A fourth is a quarter. Say quarter. Also, too specific with the timer. "With precious seconds ticking away, a quarter of the tank is already submerged in water." Clear, physical writing. They'll love you for it.

8- I prefer your Bruce Wayne to your Batman. Jason Todd was a nice inclusion, but I wanted more mystery and conflict between him and Bruce. It seemed like you shoehorned them together at the end, rather than letting the story take us there naturally. Bullock is a great character, fitting for most Batman stories and as equally effective on either side of the law, but he seemed very generic in this.

On the whole, I'd say it was a valiant effort,

With a re-write, spend some quality time (more quality time) on the execution, then you could have a really good, structurally sound story. Minimal spelling mistakes, think I spotted no more than 2. Good luck.

Thanks for the read and feedback, JLM23.

Quoted from JM08 1) The premise is good. Seldom do we see a psychotic Riddler in any medium, although I would like to have seen him not as typically self-defeating as usual.

I'm glad you liked this Riddler. I consider myself to be a Riddler fan, and while it's true he isn't usually depicted as psychotic, it isn't unheard of. There have been a few issues where he has come across as more menacing. For instance, in Dark Knight: Dark City he actually kills people without hesitation.

Also, the Riddler tends to have a penchant for deathtraps:

Quoted Text 2) The opening sequences are quite good. There's enough going on to draw in the reader. Even though your theme is consistent, the script does seem to dip in and out throughout the second act.

Hmm... do you mean that it dips in and out of the fundamental 3 act structure?

Quoted Text 3) I agree with the previous post, far too "on the nose" with the dialogue, and unfortunately it seems like a recurring theme in the script. I noticed a number of times that you'll return back to something you've already explained. The exposition is already there, no need to repeat it. I refer to the "Flamethrower" of course. I lost count how many times it's mentioned.

I'm trying to improve the dialogue with a rewrite. Admittedly, I consider dialogue to be one of my weaker spots. In my defense though, it's difficult (if not downright impossible) to not include exposition in a mystery like this.

Quoted Text 4) The relationships between the characters are hit and miss. Alfred and Bruce is solid, however Batman's relationship with Gordon and the G.C.P.D. is far less enticing (Gordon seems very bit-part too) perhaps that's intended, but there's no dynamism in their relationship. Many of the characters seem far too conventional. There's no risk taking, nothing extraordinary about them.

Yeah, Gordon isn't a favorite character of mine. I've always considered it a bit odd to feature a police commissioner so heavily in stories about a vigilante who works outside the law. Nonetheless, I tried to give him a serviceable appearance here. Should I add more tension to their relationship?

Quoted Text 5) Roman Sionis remains one of my favourite Batman villains to-date. He features heavily in my script. I was excited to see another's take on him, but again, without going into too much, he seemed to be taken straight out of an animated movie or video game. Be bold with the less known characters, you'll start to enjoy your writing more.

I should probably spice up that character a bit more. To be honest, I'm not all that familiar with the Black Mask. I figured I'd just write him pre-Black Mask, and basically just based him off Carmine Falcone from The Long Halloween. I should probably read up on the character.

Quoted Text 6)Montoya had an edge about her, but you built her up to make us assume she's a big part of the story, then she fades, getting little to no page time after the second act.

True, unfortunately, I pretty much dropped the character when I had Batman and the GCPD part ways. I'm trying to find a way to complete a character arc for her.

Quoted Text 7) Now on to the more serious stuff: the physical writing. Like your dialogue, a lot of your description is excessive, and far too elaborate, and not in a good way.

Yeah, I should tighten that.

Quoted Text With a re-write, spend some quality time (more quality time) on the execution, then you could have a really good, structurally sound story. Minimal spelling mistakes, think I spotted no more than 2. Good luck.

Thanks, will do. Let me know if you want me read anything you've written (you mentioned a Batman script).

David

Hello David,

I like your style, posting scanned examples from the comic books to refute criticism! I can't suggest anything towards characters and plot, my interest in Batman goes not much past the tv series.

For your writing, I have a few suggestions that I hope might help. You say you are trying to improve dialogue, I opened the script and from the first page there were all kinds of things I thought you could do better.

Scene 1:

Quoted from TheBatman.pdf   INT. DARK ROOM - NIGHT   Blood covers a room lit only by moonlight.   A city skyline can be seen outside.   A woman's body lies in the middle of the room. Behind her   sits a STEEL BOX illuminated with a bright green question   mark.   A SILHOUETTE of a man writes on the room's wall with a gloved   finger: “THE MAN...”. He writes with blood.   Near the doorway of the room, a man's body hangs from a WIRE.   A tipped over STEEL BOX lies in front of him.   A breeze from the room's only window sways the hanging wire a   bit.   The silhouette continues to write on the room's wall: “...WHO   WANTED IT...”.   Blood from the wall DRIPS down to the floor.   The silhouette finishes his writing with a large “?”.

You have ROOM as a location and then "middle of the room"; "the room's wall"; "the doorway of the room"; "the room's only window"; and "the room's wall" again, all in this short scene. Bodies, boxes, a man writing with blood. These are important to the story, moonlight and room walls are not.

DARK ROOM is not good for a location. You probably don't mean DARKROOM and it's actually moonlit. Come morning, it won't be dark at all. If for some reason you don't want the reader to know it is an apartment or wherever, I would prefer just ROOM and you can show it's dark where there is blood. What do you mean by "covers"?

"Can be seen" is not active but anyway, how are we seeing the city skyline? You think it's obvious there would be a window, but a dark room could be a basement, the moonlight coming through a grille or a skylight or whatever. The window is only mentioned later, with the breeze. Put it first, bring us in from the skyline, and direct the reader to the body on the floor. To say a woman's body "lies" makes it ho-hum. It's supposed to be a grizzly shock, here it is skipped over. Leave the STEEL BOX for later.

How is the question mark illuminated, by the moonlight? From the logline I know the Riddler is afoot but the reader needs a clue. You keep switching attention: the body, a box. A man writing in blood. A body, a box. A breeze. The man writing...

A silhouette cannot write, it can only show the MAN writing - it's a little distracting that he writes "THE MAN..." when he himself in this paragraph (in capitals) should be MAN. Show him writing, then reveal what is written at the end.

Quoted from TheBatman.pdf                                 a man's body hangs from a WIRE.   A tipped over STEEL BOX lies in front of him.

Even with the capitals, I'm not seeing this. You mean he is hanged, with something like piano wire? Or is his body suspended by wire? I only presume the body is dead.

What is a "tipped over" box? Is it open at one end, is an arrow pointing up? Is this STEEL BOX different to the other STEEL BOX, if so, how? Or is it the same, if so why not say? Again I only presume you intend for the man to appear to have hanged himself, by kicking away the box.

Quoted from TheBatman.pdf   Blood from the wall DRIPS down to the floor.

When a thing drips, it drips down, you don't need the extra word. This sentence is for effect and it's indulgent. If you want the reader's eye directed to the floor, show the words written in blood and the drips lead us to the box with the question mark. That ends the scene.

Scene 2:

Quoted from TheBatman.pdf   EXT. CITY STREETS- STORMY NIGHT   TWO YOUNG MEN sprint across a nearly empty street.   This is a rough part of town. BOXES containing homeless   tenants sit outside graffiti-marked, run-down buildings.   The men make a turn into a dark alleyway in front of them.   The two men sprint down the alleyway. THUG 1 SHOOTS his   HANDGUN at something in the rooftops.   They dash into an open door in the alleyway and quickly SLAM   it shut.

STORMY NIGHT. Really?

TWO YOUNG MEN will be MAN (or YOUNG MAN) 1 and MAN 2, not THUG 1 and 2. Even though it's a couple of lines, the description for the run-down streets is generic and unnecessary. You tell us it's rough and then what that means. Find a new way to relate that, or take it as read. HOMELESS would be in capitals and BOXES not.

ALLEYWAY is a separate location when they run into it. You can get it with a mini-slug. Sorry, GrahamS, that's the first time I ever saw someone suggest putting CUT TO:'s in!

From the description, I couldn't tell if they intended to get to the doorway (e.g. a hideout) or stumbled on it.

Scene 3:

Quoted from TheBatman.pdf   INT. WAREHOUSE - NIGHT                       THUG 2             Did we lose him?                       THUG 1             I dunno.

You need to place characters in a scene before they speak. The way this is written, what turns out to be a desperate chase seems casual. I saw what was happening only after reading on, it needs drama. It's based on a comic book, use short, quick sentences:

  EXT. CITY STREETS - NIGHT

  Graffiti and the HOMELESS.

  TWO THUGS sprint across a street, make a turn into an --

  ALLEYWAY

  Thug 1 SHOOTS at the rooftops.

  The other man leads a dash through a door. It SLAMS shut.

  INT. WAREHOUSE - NIGHT

  Thug 1 stands gasping, back against the door. Thug 2 listens.

                      THUG 2
            Did we lose him?

                      THUG 1
            Dunno.


I read as far as the eye roll on page 3. Good luck.

Thanks for the suggestions, NW3. I think the overall theme here is to write in a more active voice, shorten my action descriptions, and improve the dialogue.

Revised this if anyone one wants to take a look.

Compared to the first draft, the opening is much better, it reads fast and it's clear what is going on. Nice work.

You certainly have shortened action description and it looks like you are comfortable with that. For me it flows at the right pace, just enough to get the story without being caught up in the details. Definitely an improvement from the first few scenes as I remember.

I didn't finish last time - the eye roll is gone! - but I'll have a look over the weekend. I want to find the significance of those steel boxes...

Thanks, NW3. Yeah, I revised this with the advice I got here in mind. Hope you have some time to give more of it a read.

Got some really good visuals in there!