Where to start.
The intro of a hot white chick cop and the hot black dude cop is too much. Really, that only happens in the movies; so it must be ok here.
The dialogue is on the nose. The narco cops in the parking lot should just say "they're (or their if the grammar Nazi is watching) moving." And when black cop has to explain Kansas, that whole line of dialogue is meh.
The hot tub scene is more akin to erotic novel writing.
The good is you're writing a story. What you need to improve on is reality. Does this play well in the first few pages? Not for me. |