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Blind Faith (currently 3684 views) |
Don |
Posted: July 20th, 2016, 5:20pm |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16381 Posts Per Day 1.94 |
Blind Faith by Stuart Palace - Short - A man of the cloth puts his life on the line in order to prove his dedication to God. 4 pages - pdf, format |
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------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
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TheSecond |
Posted: July 20th, 2016, 5:32pm |
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New The surface is home to the mindless. Go deep.
Posts119 Posts Per Day 0.03 |
Hahahaha!! Great! Dialogue is pretty loose, but I enjoyed the story. Script mechanics will likely have a field day with it, so be ready to learn something, other than that, good job. |
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Reply: 1 - 26 |
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Warren |
Posted: July 20th, 2016, 6:58pm |
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Of The Ancients A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
LocationSydney, Australia Posts3897 Posts Per Day 1.36 |
I enjoyed this.
Easy read and well written.
It's a joke I have heard before just written in screenplay format so I knew the punchline.
Got me thinking how many jokes you could apply this to. Not that I think it's how you should approach screenwriting. (personally I don't and can't write comedy).
For what it is, it works. |
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Revision History (1 edits) |
Warren - July 20th, 2016, 9:23pm | Just to clarify | | |
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Reply: 2 - 26 |
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LC |
Posted: July 20th, 2016, 9:12pm |
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Administrator
LocationThe Great Southern Land Posts7582 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
Hmm, bit of a dodge way of writing a script, really. I've heard this joke numerous times.
Screenplay wise you did a pretty good job bringing the joke/story to life but I think you might need to be a little less ambitious with your choice of, let's say, set pieces.. For a 'short' it would need a fair ol' budget with the helicopter, not to mention a flood which reaches the height of a church rooftop?! Bit of fun to read and picture in my head. |
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Reply: 3 - 26 |
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RichardR |
Posted: July 21st, 2016, 7:58am |
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Posts889 Posts Per Day 0.26 |
Stuart,
Some notes.
Good job writing out an old joke. A new twist would make this one better.
Best Richard |
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Reply: 4 - 26 |
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MarkItZero |
Posted: July 21st, 2016, 4:30pm |
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Old Timer
Posts1007 Posts Per Day 0.35 |
It's well written for the most part. Just don't see the point of writing out a joke into a different medium that keeps the joke identical. Maybe have the helicopter rescuer tell out the joke and this convinces Father Joe to finally give in and accept rescue. Then when he's pulled up into the helicopter it's suddenly God's hand he's holding, all part of the test, and God goes "Ye of little faith" and shoves him back out of the helicopter. |
| That rug really tied the room together. |
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Reply: 5 - 26 |
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Wes |
Posted: July 21st, 2016, 4:47pm |
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LocationOakland, CA 94602 Posts164 Posts Per Day 0.05 |
Yep. I know the joke. Wouldn't have minded a little more from God . . . "Joe, I sent a car, a boat, I even sent a helicopter. But NooooOOOOoooo. Too simple for you. Exactly what kind of miracle were you looking for?" I don't know. Something along those lines. |
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Reply: 6 - 26 |
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StuartP |
Posted: July 24th, 2016, 8:39pm |
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Posts10 Posts Per Day 0.00 |
Thank you for reading and reviewing, Just to add: I did mention this was based on a joke I had heard on the submission form, the box which states "anything else you would like to add?", so I expected that to accompany the logline. Oh well.
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Reply: 7 - 26 |
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RonH |
Posted: July 24th, 2016, 9:30pm |
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LocationCanada Posts46 Posts Per Day 0.02 |
Hey Stuart
Well written, but pretty elaborate stuff for a few pages. If shot, would probably go down as the most expensive single joke ever put to film.
When - Hero moves to drag priest aboard, but the survivors grab him -- I would change to -- the survivors pull the Hero back into the dinghy -- as I wasn't sure who was being grabbed.
Also a "heated conversation takes place" We assume we know what they're saying, but I think a few lines would help here, before the crack of lightning.
Ron |
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Reply: 8 - 26 |
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StuartP |
Posted: July 24th, 2016, 9:52pm |
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Posts10 Posts Per Day 0.00 |
Hi Ron,
The expense thing -- I don't think it's asking too much that a rewrite can't fix.
I spoke to a producer earlier today and the only difficulty they found would be the dinghy scene in flowing water, the rest is not a problem.
We'll see how this goes, but it's cool to have feedback and I appreciate your help.
Example: We would not see the helicopter, we would hear the chopper approaching, the ladder falls down in front of the priest, a spotligjht falls on him. That saves the expense of having a helicopter.
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Reply: 9 - 26 |
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DustinBowcot |
Posted: July 25th, 2016, 1:52am |
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I'm left feeling the way I do after reading a joke from the back of a lollipop stick. I suppose some might laugh.
Well done. |
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Cameron |
Posted: July 26th, 2016, 9:11am |
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I'd never heard the joke before so it got a giggle from myself, that being said if it's already well known I guess this is just purely a formalised visual take on an already established piece of work. This of course is not necessarily a bad thing as it's been done loads before (Passion of the Christ and so on). |
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albinopenguin |
Posted: July 27th, 2016, 7:40pm |
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Been Around I got dipping sticks.
LocationLos Angeles Posts785 Posts Per Day 0.14 |
As an ex-Christian I was hoping for more. If this was a writing exercise then so be it. From a technical standpoint, it's just fine. That being said I've heard this "joke" numerous times. I was hoping it was going to be something different, but nope.
Anyways, I would encourage you to write something original next time. This doesn't mean you can't borrow themes from other works. Just apply those themes differently and give us something unique. Because if you're just going to turn cliched jokes into screenplays, then what's the point? |
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Reply: 12 - 26 |
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Fausto |
Posted: July 29th, 2016, 1:27pm |
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LocationNew Jersey Posts193 Posts Per Day 0.06 |
Stuart, a good, simple script. However, I think you will have a production problem with the water and the roof of the church. Unless the scenes are done artificially (computer). Good job! Fausto |
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Reply: 13 - 26 |
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StuartP |
Posted: July 29th, 2016, 11:38pm |
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Posts10 Posts Per Day 0.00 |
Thanks again for the comments, appreciated.
Many films are adaptions from books , all I have done is adapt a joke. A screenwriter's job is to adapt. Just saying.
Cheers.
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