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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    August 2016 One Week Challenge  ›  A Man Dies - OWC
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  Author    A Man Dies - OWC  (currently 3405 views)
Don
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 8:40am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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A Man Dies by Anonymous - Short, Drama, Sci Fi - A technophobe confronts his fear of the privately owned "UtiliCabs" that have become a staple of urban transportation.   - pdf, format


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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 9:58am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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The title is great. Nicely subdued.

I'm not sure exactly how low budget this is, if we were to try and create the world suggested, but maybe it's possible.

Nice tone and atmosphere. Writing is mainly good, though the author suffers from trying too hard to impress at times.

The soul of the piece was there...a man trying to preserve his soul/humanity in a sanitised world, and the script's heart was in the right place. I enjoyed the read.

It's the first I've read so far that really tried to tell a complete story, rather than just a scene.

I don't think it quite reached it's goal, but not for the want of trying. I think I just have a feeling that the ending, a man desperately trying to keep some legacy, some knowledge of himself alive somehow didn't feel like it came organically from the bulk of the story. I think we'd need to see more about him, more about his writing, his thoughts, his solitude in a world he doesn't belong and is becoming ever more sanitised for us to really appreciate what he's doing at the end.


As it is it's still good, I still felt something, but it felt a little overblown.

Impressive effort for a week, though. Ambitious.
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 2:46pm Report to Moderator
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Not for me, and a heavy read, but I quite like the idea of a cab doing the dirty work of the government down the line.

Nice idea, but needs some work, for me

Pass


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
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IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 4:50pm Report to Moderator
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Great idea but it feels a little over-written, almost straying into straight prose at times.

Having said that I did find it engaging and an unexpected Orwellian treat.

Good effort


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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CindyLKeller
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 5:06pm Report to Moderator
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Sorry, not for me.
As I read,  my thoughts drifted to other things, so I put it down.
Cindy


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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LC
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 7:29pm Report to Moderator
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The overwriting is distracting, some of it's on target but some of the verbosity is over the top i.e., the word 'insatiable' in that context. Scale it back you have a solid story and I liked the world you chose for the setting. Met the challenge and great potential. Get rid of extraneous stuff like the girls with the ball, and delete the intro and just have him in the street and then in the cab, is my advice.

Lots to work with here and love the future world you created but a bit too meandering.


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Dreamscale
Posted: August 14th, 2016, 10:50am Report to Moderator
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Seems like an interesting concept but the writing is so overblown, it's way too much of a hassle to get any further than Page 2.

You seriously need to simplify your writing and descriptions and cut way down on your use of adjectives.  Just seems like you're trying to impress with your knowledge and use of the English language, but the result is the opposite and I can't see many enjoying the read.

No grade.
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SAC
Posted: August 14th, 2016, 3:14pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

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Writer,

I thought the writing was very good. Yes, it is overwritten, but impressively so. If you had cut down on the descriptions you could've easily saved a half page or so. However, I feel this may have been written this way because, while you have a decent story, it's one dimensional. Meaning, Emmet dies and says he has a manuscript to a work that's "all me" or something to that effect. I think if you'd taken it a step further, where this manuscript could have been important, world saving documents then we might have been able to pull for your protagonist . As is, I didn't feel much for him. Kinda meh. If he got out he was gonna infect the world with plague. But, maybe if he had a real good reason to leave the cab... You get what I'm saying.

Overall, I thought this was pretty good, just can use some toning down and some touching up. Nice job!

Steve


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irish eyes
Posted: August 14th, 2016, 5:06pm Report to Moderator
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'Past the implacable deadness of her monochromatic visor'

You obviously know you're a good writer but this is ridiculous. It's at the point were i'm lost in the story because of the over writing in nearly all of your descriptions.

Sorry but this needs to be toned down a lot and I stopped short... I'm sure there's probably a good story in there


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Warren
Posted: August 14th, 2016, 6:34pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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It is quite well written but I found the writing pompous which made it a hard read. It’s the first script where I started skipping.

Not sure it meets the criteria as far as being low budget.

Didn’t grab me in any way.


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Conz
Posted: August 15th, 2016, 11:44am Report to Moderator
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I can tell already this one isn’t my speed.  The writing feels too smart for its own good… but I could admittedly just be a moron.  I’ll never rule that out.  It just reeks of “look how smart I am” try hard style writing I don’t personally enjoy in a screenplay.  

It’s just preference.  I don’t want to watch something where a character talks like this:

Retreated to the heart of public
infrastructure and left its
extremities to the numbing cold of
private enterprise.

Saying that type of wording is “pretentious” isn’t a fair thing to say, but I honestly think “ick” multiple times while reading this type of writing.  I’m the asshole here, let that be clear.

This reads like sci-fi that I’m sure the majority will like.  … I’m just not a big fan of the genre.

Again, I’m a dummy, I will say that 9 times in this “review,” but I just don’t enjoy this prose style.  I have no doubt the writing is well done, and I’m sure a lot of people will praise you for it, but I just want to read the story without stopping every 2 lines to think “man, lighten up a little.” “Oh come on, did you have to use THAT word?”  No one is going to accuse you of being a poor writer if you take a line or 2 off.  I know this reads “beautifully” to many people… just not this guy.  I won’t comment on that anymore, b/c I’m sure I’m already making a fool out of myself.  

The story was interesting, I won’t deny it, I just felt like I had to push through a bunch of other stuff to get to the nitty gritty.  This will do well, I’m just not the target audience for this type of script.


I'd list my "work" here, but I don't know how to hyperlink.  

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Cameron
Posted: August 15th, 2016, 12:30pm Report to Moderator
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Really nice idea, but the writing is so thick it's hard to cut through. It might just be me being a simpleton, but I found it hard to concentrate after a few pages.

Anyway, it's original in concept, but just a bit of a tough read
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DanC
Posted: August 15th, 2016, 12:55pm Report to Moderator
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Killing villains since 1980!

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Sorry to sound like a broken record, but, man, is this over-written.  It was a task to read it all.  It felt like 30 pages.  

And I really didn't get it.  So, he's trapped in the cab till he dies?  No food, no water, nada?  That seems harsh.  And how could the taxi have known he's a

SPOILER

carrier for that disease?  I was confused and all the overwriting was hard to get past.

Still, he was trapped, and that was part of the task.  However, it seemed high budget to create this world.

5/10

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: August 16th, 2016, 7:24am Report to Moderator
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I thought the writing was good overall, but it's a lot to pack in a ten pager. I kind of feel that it went over a few pages but you had to slice n dice to squeeze as uch as you can in ten. It feels like a slightly bigger story. As it is, there's a lot of info here to take and soak in. Will soe have the patience for it?


"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
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NW3
Posted: August 16th, 2016, 8:31am Report to Moderator
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Carefully written, with a heartfelt message: "I am...important." A bit flowery sometimes, e.g. "He gathers the ensuing silence in for a yell." With the theme, this reads to me as a novelist doing a screenplay. A short story, more than a short film.
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