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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    August 2016 One Week Challenge  ›  Either Side of Limbo - OWC
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  Author    Either Side of Limbo - OWC  (currently 2982 views)
Don
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 8:42am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Either Side of Limbo by Micky McMystery - Short, Drama, Cheap-to-Film - When an injured businessman jumps in a taxi with an misanthropic driver, he soon finds he has to solve a mystery in order to escape.  - pdf, format


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DustinBowcot
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 12:03pm Report to Moderator
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I considered writing something similar to this... like the final cab ride to ==insert afterlife destination here ==

This one got boring pretty quick and I started skipping the dialogue around the mid point.

I do like the premise... but it needs more work to work, IMO.

A pass.
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stevie
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 4:32pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



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Picked this at random to be my first read.

Great premise but I think the writer was torn between making it serious or as a dark comedy. At the moment it hovers in between so doesn't quite gel. The dialogue did start to run together later (it was pretty good before that) and like Dustin, I found myself skimming which isnt a good sign in a short.

Pass but with a rewrite could be a consider




Revision History (1 edits)
stevie  -  August 14th, 2016, 3:44pm
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 6:37pm Report to Moderator
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Liked this but it felt too long and there's too much dialogue. and of course the setup reminded me of Scrooged... decent effort though


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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eldave1
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 8:09pm Report to Moderator
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I liked this quite a bit. Right now it is a consider/recommend for me. Yes, I know it is a bit derivative of Scrooged - but it is originally derivative (hmmm - I think I just made a term up). A taxi driver for Limbo - I love the concept.

There were two hiccups for me. One was - while I think it's fine for Doug to have a macabre sense of humor - I don't like that the original joke (Doug-less) came from Lance - it broke the emotional tension for me. The other one was the Doctor's line - ("good job team..."). It was unnatural and a throw away for me.

Anyway - I liked this - solid effort IMO.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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LC
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 8:32pm Report to Moderator
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A story that is perhaps a little too familiar. And, it needs an edit for your central theme/message to be more effecting and powerful. Just as that drive went round around for your main character I feel watching it might be a little repetitive too. I need to feel more more empathy for the main character and be 'dying' to know what's going on. As is, both characters come across as whiny and that's not getting me on side. Met the challenge sufficiently.


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CindyLKeller
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 8:52pm Report to Moderator
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One of my favorites right here.
I adored Doug. What a character.
It held my attention till the end.
Not sure about the doctor's line. It doesn't actually seem to fit. I think it would be better without it.

Very nice.
Congrats,
Cindy


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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nawazm11
Posted: August 14th, 2016, 4:38am Report to Moderator
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Not bad at all, I might know who wrote this. Seems like a regular. A bit long at times, could cut a lot of fluff, which is weird as it seems as if you struggled to keep it under 10 pages. Comedy was a bit misplaced at times, as was the backstory for both characters. Didn't work as well as it should have, I'd rethink the exposition and how you want to reveal it. Ending was a bit muddled, I understood the redemption behind Doug, but again, it felt rushed and just didn't come together as well as it should. For a week's effort, it's good, but could do well with a rewrite.
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SAC
Posted: August 15th, 2016, 6:38am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

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Writer,

Decent story here. I like the fact that Lance has the potential to alter his actions by deciding where to go, and he makes the right decision. This needs a major rewrite, though. I think as an OWC it misses the mark -- I feel this could be more morbid, more tense and more like "the clock is ticking, Lance. Make your decision!" You could scrap a page off of this and really tighten it up. It's got a cool tongue-in-cheek vibe, and I like that Doug stays but Lance leaves. A lot of potential here! I'd definitely work on this when the OWC is finished. Good job!

Steve


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Dreamscale
Posted: August 15th, 2016, 5:26pm Report to Moderator
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I can see where this is going, and of course, I may not be correct, but the style or writing on display here causes me to jump out as quickly as I can.

The "witty" asides and commentary just read so poorly.  I honestly don't get why peeps continue to attempt this.

Having a mistake in your logline starts me off with a bad taste in my mouth, as well.

No grade.

Revision History (1 edits)
stevie  -  August 15th, 2016, 8:08pm
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Hunter
Posted: August 15th, 2016, 7:42pm Report to Moderator
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I really loved this one! It got my attention very quickly, unlike some others I have read which took a long while to get interesting. I couldn't believe when i read the first few reviews here and how negative they were, this is one of my favorites, at least so far. My favorite dramatic one so far for sure.

Doug was a vert interesting character, and I really hope this gets filmed so I can see how the actor cast as Doug would play him. The only issue I had, which is really something minor I think, is the little joke coming from Lance. I would prefer him to stay serious throughout the whole thing.


I would love feedback on any of these!
Back to Class: http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1453330945/ (comedy series, RECENTLY UPDATED DEC. '16)
Cause & Effect: http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1472594865/ (comedy-drama series)
Waking Up: http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1452376264/ (comedy series)
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RichardR
Posted: August 16th, 2016, 11:54am Report to Moderator
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Some notes.

I liked this one because of the premise.  Instead of a ferry, you have a taxi.  I sort wish Doug had insisted on the two coins needed to cross the river.  

A bit episodic in my mind.  Do we need all of memory lane?  In any case, this was a strong effort.

Best
Richard
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realxwriter
Posted: August 16th, 2016, 2:48pm Report to Moderator
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Wow just wow. I loved it. It had its flaw (which script written in this time frame doesn't) but, God, was it an enjoyable read.

Loved Doug character, but it bothered me that he overshadowed Lance. You can't have all your characters witty and smart, but I wish you gave Lance his own virtues to survive the competition with Doug.

I also wished the sense of urgency was introduced earlier in the story. Because, it felt like nothing could go wrong in this story. I know it's a drama not a thriller but still. Some suspense couldn't have hurt the story.

I didn't understand how driver freed himself in the end. Maybe you wrote it so we can only guess, which is not such a bad thing for an ending.

Well done!
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Wes
Posted: August 16th, 2016, 3:20pm Report to Moderator
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Well done. I really enjoyed this one. Yes, there are some familiar things going on here but Doug is a great character. Dialogue is okay.

Nice work.


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JEStaats
Posted: August 16th, 2016, 5:57pm Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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A good read but a bit long winded through the middle. I started skimming through but had to see where it was going. Nice work, perhaps a page or two less and it could be an enjoyable read.
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