All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
ELMAR (into his phone) Wait a second. I'm confused. Did your screen ID'ed me as your Orthopedist when I called?
ID'ed? - think it should be ID
Quoted Text
A WOMAN holding a BABY knocks on his window.
DISPARATE WOMAN
I would keep the character name consistent. If you are going to use DISPARATE WOMAN as character - then use DISPARATE WOMAN when she is first inrto'd.
Quoted Text
Elmar gives the woman the finger, then waves a "Hello" with his fingers to the baby while smiling, without interrupting his call. The Woman smacks the window, which makes the Driver snaps awake.
Should be "snap"
Quoted Text
ELMAR Sure as hell the lights said "Free" when I got in, so I'm not going anywhere buddy.
Need comma before buddy. Okay - going to stop quoting - the point is that there are a lot of typos in this one.
This one did not engage me like some of the others. The long blocks of dialogue became too much.
Comic book feel to this, not that there's anything wrong with that, just didn't hold my interest, sorry. Met the challenge of 'trapped' though with a pretty big budget of SFX.
A lot of grammar and spelling mistakes, could do well with a read over. It's a decent effort, a bit out there -- hard to understand a lot of the sci-fi jargon. Needs more showing than telling, granted, that was very hard to do with this challenge so I don't blame you. Elmar could use a little more work, his state of mind jumps around too much -- instantly sad at times, angry at others, needs some flow. Could use a rewrite.
Title on title page is different than the title given. That's not a good start.
Lots of mistakes everywhere, misspellings, poor grammar, incorrect word usage, awkwardly phrased. Just all around poorly written, which lead me to bow out on Page 2.
You've got a great story here! Good work. However, as other postings noted, tons of mistake -- misspellings, asides, grammar. All that needs to be cleaned up big time. That story Elmar told can be chopped in half and we'll still get the gist of it. Boy, if you work on this you've got a good one here.
I don't think you were pressed for time because you managed to get ten pages, but you sure dropped the ball in the editing department. As is, it's not gonna make much of an impact. There are peeps who are gonna see all these mistakes and bail, or skim. I stuck with it and got treated to a pretty cool story. Clean this fucker up! Good work!
Bit of a rough start on this one. Is she disparate or desperate? Unconscious or asleep? I’m not a fan of trying to cram this ‘world’ into such a short space. Couple that with Elmar’s sudden guilt-trip and I’m at a loss as to what this is all about -- no apparent motive, it just happens. That said I thought you brought it back around when he makes the decision to sacrifice himself -- unfortunately the rest is just too OTT for me. Hard to pull an idea like this off in ten pages.
My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:
There are quite a few grammar errors, such as on page 3 (worst mornings should be worse mornings, then later protect should be protected). Also, pages aren't numbered.
I would use a word other than jump to describe how Elmar entered the cab, as to me that sounds like high energy, excited, which is not what seems to be the case. And, you started with putting V.O. next to Adele's name, and then stopped.
On page 4, Elmar says he will get out of the cab himself, but then we completely skip over him trying to when he has given up. We should at least see a little bit of him attempting to get out. At the very least, show him beginning to attempt, and then put something like "ten minutes later" on the screen and show him having given up.
Finally on page 5 we get to something of interest, and I really do like this story that Elmar has, the regret he is dealing with. I wish the story had gotten here faster. Also, if you could find a way to break up his story so that it doesn't look monsterously long, that would keep from possibly scaring people off or causing them to zone. And, one more thing about it, is that I feel like Elmar would sound less like an author and be more direct when telling his story.
I don't see what the reason is for the part where the voice comes through his phone. Maybe I just got a little bit lost there, but it didn't seem to be important. If you cut this down to what's actually necessary, bringing more focus to the story of regret that this is, then it could be good.
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
I like this one. It takes a while to establish the time car, and I'm not sure you need to explain everything. In a way, holding back info would fit with the current issue in time. the ending works for me. Our protag uses the last bit of his life to rectify a mistake. I'm with you.
The good news: Decent story arc. Bad news: A lot of painful issues and dialogue to get to the ending. A valiant effort but a proofreader would do wonders.
A great logline which made me actually interested in reading this; which believe me is rare!
As most have said, there are a lot of typos and mistakes which can be off-putting but I'm sure you'll get those fixed.
A very good and interesting setup which worked very well until the huge amount of exposition made me roll my eyes. Then there's several moments the audience is required to suspension their disbelief which don't work because you write yourself into a few corners and then come up with resolutions I just couldn't buy into.
Maybe it was rushed and you ran out of time? One example, the entire ending requires the AI Adele (which made me think of the singer of the same name, which was a bit off-putting, maybe come up with a more AI sounding name?) to counter the directive to stay hidden. This is a pretty serious directive by the sounds of it, one which requires a self-destruct if all else fails. How does he bypass this? He just asks and says please! It was way too convenient and unbelievable, plus the outcome was telegraphed from the long confession he had earlier.
Still, this does show a lot of imagination and plenty of potential. I would encourage a revisit outside of this OWC.
-Mark
For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK