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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    August 2016 One Week Challenge  ›  One Last Ride - OWC
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  Author    One Last Ride - OWC  (currently 2727 views)
Don
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 8:52am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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One Last Ride by 0 - Short, Sci Fi, Thriller - A business man, stuck in a time traveling cab, is hunted by an anarchist from the future. - pdf, format


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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 11:21am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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There's a nice story in there, but it was kind of hard to find under all the exposition.

With some streamlining, I think this could be a lot better.
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eldave1
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 4:00pm Report to Moderator
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Typo out of the gate:


Quoted Text
ELMAR
(into his phone)
Wait a second. I'm confused. Did your
screen ID'ed me as your Orthopedist
when I called?


ID'ed? - think it should be ID


Quoted Text
A WOMAN holding a BABY knocks on his window.

DISPARATE WOMAN


I would keep the character name consistent. If you are going to use DISPARATE WOMAN as character - then use  DISPARATE WOMAN when she is first inrto'd.


Quoted Text
Elmar gives the woman the finger, then waves a "Hello" with
his fingers to the baby while smiling, without interrupting
his call. The Woman smacks the window, which makes the Driver
snaps awake.


Should be "snap"


Quoted Text
ELMAR
Sure as hell the lights said "Free"
when I got in, so I'm not going
anywhere buddy.


Need comma before buddy. Okay - going to stop quoting - the point is that there are a lot of typos in this one.

This one did not engage me like some of the others. The long blocks of dialogue became too much.

Congrats on the effort and for entering.



My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Warren
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 10:52pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

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Lots of grammar issues. It's very over written with a few unfilmables.

I think you can loss the bad sound affects.

Not sure this fits the challenge as far as low budget goes but I'm not a producer. Seems like some of the effects would be expensive.

The huge chunks of dialogue are not great.

No need to say who VOICE after the character, we know it's his voice, never seen that one before.

Reads quite awkwardly for the most part.

As far as the story goes the underlying reason he goes back it quite touching. Everything else just seemed like filler.

Not for me.


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LC
Posted: August 13th, 2016, 11:59pm Report to Moderator
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Comic book feel to this, not that there's anything wrong with that, just didn't hold my interest, sorry. Met the challenge of 'trapped' though with a pretty big budget of SFX.


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nawazm11
Posted: August 14th, 2016, 4:50am Report to Moderator
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A lot of grammar and spelling mistakes, could do well with a read over. It's a decent effort, a bit out there -- hard to understand a lot of the sci-fi jargon. Needs more showing than telling, granted, that was very hard to do with this challenge so I don't blame you. Elmar could use a little more work, his state of mind jumps around too much -- instantly sad at times, angry at others, needs some flow. Could use a rewrite.
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: August 14th, 2016, 10:44am Report to Moderator
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Over long and dialogue heavy in parts with a fair number of typos and grammar issues...

Having said that, I quite liked it.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Dreamscale
Posted: August 14th, 2016, 11:43am Report to Moderator
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Title on title page is different than the title given.  That's not a good start.

Lots of mistakes everywhere, misspellings, poor grammar, incorrect word usage, awkwardly phrased.  Just all around poorly written, which lead me to bow out on Page 2.

Grade - D-
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SAC
Posted: August 15th, 2016, 7:10am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

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Writer,

You've got a great story here! Good work. However, as other postings noted, tons of mistake
-- misspellings, asides, grammar. All that needs to be cleaned up big time. That story Elmar told can be chopped in half and we'll still get the gist of it. Boy, if you work on this you've got a good one here.

I don't think you were pressed for time because you managed to get ten pages, but you sure dropped the ball in the editing department. As is, it's not gonna make much of an impact. There are peeps who are gonna see all these mistakes and bail, or skim. I stuck with it and got treated to a pretty cool story. Clean this fucker up! Good work!

Steve


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stevemiles
Posted: August 15th, 2016, 5:24pm Report to Moderator
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Bit of a rough start on this one.  Is she disparate or desperate?  Unconscious or asleep?  I’m not a fan of trying to cram this ‘world’ into such a short space.  Couple that with Elmar’s sudden guilt-trip and I’m at a loss as to what this is all about -- no apparent motive, it just happens.  That said I thought you brought it back around when he makes the decision to sacrifice himself -- unfortunately the rest is just too OTT for me.  Hard to pull an idea like this off in ten pages.


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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Hunter
Posted: August 15th, 2016, 7:23pm Report to Moderator
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There are quite a few grammar errors, such as on page 3 (worst mornings should be worse mornings, then later protect should be protected). Also, pages aren't numbered.

I would use a word other than jump to describe how Elmar entered the cab, as to me that sounds like high energy, excited, which is not what seems to be the case. And, you started with putting V.O. next to Adele's name, and then stopped.

On page 4, Elmar says he will get out of the cab himself, but then we completely skip over him trying to when he has given up. We should at least see a little bit of him attempting to get out. At the very least, show him beginning to attempt, and then put something like "ten minutes later" on the screen and show him having given up.

Finally on page 5 we get to something of interest, and I really do like this story that Elmar has, the regret he is dealing with. I wish the story had gotten here faster. Also, if you could find a way to break up his story so that it doesn't look monsterously long, that would keep from possibly scaring people off or causing them to zone. And, one more thing about it, is that I feel like Elmar would sound less like an author and be more direct when telling his story.

I don't see what the reason is for the part where the voice comes through his phone. Maybe I just got a little bit lost there, but it didn't seem to be important. If you cut this down to what's actually necessary, bringing more focus to the story of regret that this is, then it could be good.


I would love feedback on any of these!
Back to Class: http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1453330945/ (comedy series, RECENTLY UPDATED DEC. '16)
Cause & Effect: http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1472594865/ (comedy-drama series)
Waking Up: http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1452376264/ (comedy series)
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: August 16th, 2016, 4:46am Report to Moderator
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Well that was a big effort.

We have to rely on a lot of back story and there are some long dialogues.

The idea of being trapped in a time car and then releasing that it could go back and resolve his greatest mistake has  some legs.

As written it needs some work and does go about too far with the sci FI wording which we don't know.

Pass/consider (in essence the concept has potential)


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
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RichardR
Posted: August 16th, 2016, 1:15pm Report to Moderator
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Some notes

I like this one.  It takes a while to establish the time car,  and I'm not sure you need to explain everything.  In a way, holding back info would fit with the current issue in time.  the ending works for me.  Our protag uses the last bit of his life to rectify a mistake.  I'm with you.

Best
Richard
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JEStaats
Posted: August 16th, 2016, 2:30pm Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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The good news: Decent story arc. Bad news: A lot of painful issues and dialogue to get to the ending. A valiant effort but a proofreader would do wonders.
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: August 17th, 2016, 10:23am Report to Moderator
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A great logline which made me actually interested in reading this; which believe me is rare!

As most have said, there are a lot of typos and mistakes which can be off-putting but I'm sure you'll get those fixed.

A very good and interesting setup which worked very well until the huge amount of exposition made me roll my eyes. Then there's several moments the audience is required to suspension their disbelief which don't work because you write yourself into a few corners and then come up with resolutions I just couldn't buy into.

Maybe it was rushed and you ran out of time? One example, the entire ending requires the AI Adele (which made me think of the singer of the same name, which was a bit off-putting, maybe come up with a more AI sounding name?) to counter the directive to stay hidden. This is a pretty serious directive by the sounds of it, one which requires a self-destruct if all else fails. How does he bypass this? He just asks and says please! It was way too convenient and unbelievable, plus the outcome was telegraphed from the long confession he had earlier.

Still, this does show a lot of imagination and plenty of potential. I would encourage a revisit outside of this OWC.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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