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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Skin Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: September 10th, 2016, 9:11am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Skin by Brandon Saunders - Short, Drama - A young Neo Nazi learns a harsh lesson to why the colour of someone's skin doesn't matter. 10 pages - pdf, format


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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LC
Posted: September 10th, 2016, 5:40pm Report to Moderator
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Ooh, Brandon. I'm impressed. Did a quick read and will comment properly later,  but I think this is some of your best work to date, mate.  Will definitely be recommending this to Janet for STS.


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BSaunders
Posted: September 10th, 2016, 5:46pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks, Libby.   But I will be shooting this one myself!


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LC
Posted: September 10th, 2016, 5:56pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from BSaunders
Thanks, Libby.   But I will be shooting this one myself!

Great stuff. Are you shooting in Sydney? I forget where you are. ?? Would love to watch/assist etc.


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BSaunders
Posted: September 10th, 2016, 6:19pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from LC

Great stuff. Are you shooting in Sydney? I forget where you are. ?? Would love to watch/assist etc.

I'm on the Gold Coast. You're more than welcome, if you're willing to make the trip.


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Warren
Posted: September 10th, 2016, 6:58pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, mate.

Are you looking for feedback for something inparticular with this one?

If you have decided to produce it then the writing style and formatting makes no difference because it's yours. Also if this is the story you are set to produce, how open are you to suggestions?

SPOILERS:

There are things I can pick at but won't. All I will say for the time being is that I'm not sure what Alistair learns from this. The reader and audience will hopefully already know that racism, in this day and age, is idiotic and wrong, but how do we know Alistair has learnt this lesson? You end with him seeing the face of a Muslim that saved him but just the other night he was stabbing one. He might still hate them just as much, who knows. Obviously I know where  you wanted to go with this, I'm just not sure it gets all the way there.I feel like something as simple as a thank you or the like could bring this home.

If you want me to nit pick just let me know haha.

Overall I think you have the makings of a good story, just needs a bit of a polish.


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Warren  -  September 10th, 2016, 7:16pm
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BSaunders
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Quoted from Warren
Hey, mate.

Are you looking for feedback for something inparticular with this one?

If you have decided to produce it then the writing style and formatting makes no difference because it's yours. Also if this is the story you are set to produce, how open are you to suggestions?

SPOILERS:

There are things I can pick at but won't. All I will say for the time being is that I'm not sure what Alistair learns from this. The reader and audience will hopefully already know that racism, in this day and age, is idiotic and wrong, but how do we know Alistair has learnt this lesson? You end with him seeing the face of a Muslim that saved him but just the other night he was stabbing one. He might still hate them just as much, who knows. Obviously I know where  you wanted to go with this, I'm just not sure it gets all the way there.

If you want me to nit pick just let me know haha.

Overall I think you have the makings of a good story, just needs a bit of a polish.

Hey Warren,

I'm very open to suggestions regarding the story.

I know what you mean about the audience not knowing that Alister has learnt his lesson, but I think I just have to trust the audience to make their own decision.

What do you believe Alister took from his little conundrum?

And please, nit pick away  

Cheers for the read.



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Warren
Posted: September 10th, 2016, 7:18pm Report to Moderator
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I have no idea what he took from it, that's what I think the problem is. I know what you want us to think but there is a difference.

I just edited my previous post, have a read.


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BSaunders
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Quoted from Warren
I have no idea what he took from it, that's what I think the problem is. I know what you want us to think but there is a difference.

I just edited my previous post, have a read.

I originally had him bursting into tears and hugging the Muslim Father after he wakes up. Perhaps I should go back to that?


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Warren
Posted: September 10th, 2016, 7:25pm Report to Moderator
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For me it needs a link to him changing (an arc) just seeing the Muslim, I feel, does not accomplish this.

Wait to see what others think first, it's only had two reads, I might be pointing you in the wrong direction.


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BSaunders
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Quoted from Warren
For me it needs a link to him changing (a arc) just seeing the Muslim, I feel, does not accomplish this.

Wait to see what others think first, it's only had two reads, I might be pointing you in the wrong direction.

I'm definitely picking up what you're putting down


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LC
Posted: September 10th, 2016, 11:08pm Report to Moderator
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Reading through, taking notes:

'he spots a dark corner'

You really need a new slug here/Mini Slug, cause this could well be a new set up for location. Further on you call it a Bin area.

Also, you change from 'Group of  Men' to 'Nazis' both as yet O.S so I'm assuming these are the same group of men, and then back to 'Group of Men'.

Perhaps describe their neo-nazi getup/garb when we first see them,  and stick to one character title until then, otherwise could be confusing.

I'd call them Neo-Nazis as that's what they actually are.
'Jumps into ...' as opposed to 'in', yes I'm being pedantic. Where an object is involved it's 'into'.
butcher's knife - insert apostrophe.
Security Guard breaths softly, should be: breathes

Nazi 1 approaches with the knife. Puts it to his stomach.
Bit mild with your verbs here - I'd use 'wields' or 'waves' , or similar. 'Puts it...' Hmm, did he stab him at this point? Either way 'puts' is inadequate imh.

Police are saying or Investigators are saying, & the victim is in, or the man/the Security Guard. Yes, being picky again.

Wouldn't he just say 'the big packet' instead of fifty milligram?
White Ox, very good. Old, strong stuff, worn out man's tobacco.
Once outside 'flips off his father' . That 'inside' isn't needed unless he is still inside.
Nice touch the Miami Heat singlet.

... on each of their heads

Not taking an eye off the Father
and his Son.

I learned early on to write what a character is doing as opposed to what he's not doing. I get what you're going for but it might be stronger if you write something like: 'eyes trained on father and son' or similar. Up to you, of course.

Cigarette paper - you've an 'orphan' there so may as well.

Turn their backs
Ambulance is on its way - typo 'it's'

You'd better call him Muslim Father at the end. I know you're trying to 'reveal' in a big way here but you call this character a few different names.

...man who saved his life. As opposed to 'that'.

Okay, now maybe you didn't want all that. Use what's helpful, disregard the rest.

I love this story. Very impressive.

Continuing on from Warren's comments, and your own, it's unlikely Alister is going to do a complete turnaround in attitude from what is already ingrained, but the shock of him seeing his saviour as a fellow human being, and the final close up of his reaction is surely the significant thing. It will make him think, hopefully reassess.

In my opinion he can't possibly have a completed character arc to wanting to throw his arms around this man. I think that would be twee and unrealistic.

I'll give it some more thought... For now though:

The scene in Crash comes to mind between Thandie Newton and Matt Dillion where she protests him helping her, (she's going to die under the car without his help) then finally allows his help, and you see they both learn something. It's all in their reactions.

Great work with this!

P.S. If I'm on the GC whenever you're shooting? I'll stop on by. Perhaps a couple of hands at Jupiter's as well.


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Warren
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Quoted Text
the final close up of his reaction is surely the significant thing. It will make him think, hopefully reassess.

In my opinion he can't possibly have a completed character arc to wanting to throw his arms around this man. I think that would be twee and unrealistic.

The scene in Crash comes to mind between Thandie Newton and Matt Dillion where she protests him helping her, (she's going to die under the car without his help) then finally allows his help, and you see they both learn something. It's all in their reactions.
.  

That would have to be some pretty damn near prefect acting to pull that off in a look.

I agree that the hugging is too much, like I said a simple thank you says a lot.

The major difference in Crash is that they still physically react, she allows him to help her, we can see this. So going back to my original point, if all we are relying on here is a look to convey such an important message it better be spot on.


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LC
Posted: September 11th, 2016, 12:42am Report to Moderator
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What I'm suggesting is that there should be ambivalence in that last reaction shot, not that he accepts everything in that moment. It can't possibly be a Brady Bunch moment - an audience would squirm. But it also would mean nothing if Alister rejects his saviour at the end i.e., a pointless and unsatisfying ending for an audience too.

Above all, this is written to challenge bigotry and prejudice, and make both the characters and the audience think about paths and attitudes chosen, and challenge how much those attitudes have been made and forged by someone else entirely - in this case his father's indoctrination, and to an extent those around him, his peers.

That the ending is in fact only the beginning of Alister's evolving independently.

The alt ending is of course that he remains conscious for long enough that he does meet the eyes of the one saving him. I don't know... I quite like it the way it ends now. Will be interested in other's opinions.

I'll get off my soapbox now.

P.S. Doctor's bag. Brandon, another apostrophe needed.


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BSaunders
Posted: September 11th, 2016, 5:35am Report to Moderator
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Quoted Text
'he spots a dark corner'

You really need a new slug here/Mini Slug, cause this could well be a new set up for location. Further on you call it a Bin area.

I was actually wondering about that. Mini slug it is!


Quoted Text
'Jumps into ...' as opposed to 'in', yes I'm being pedantic. Where an object is involved it's 'into'.

I did not know that. Will remember that.


Quoted Text
Wouldn't he just say 'the big packet' instead of fifty milligram?

Perhaps? I was a smoker of the rollies for a few years, and so were a lot of mates/work mates, and they always referred to the milligram size. Not big and small. Below the border may be different?


Quoted Text
I learned early on to write what a character is doing as opposed to what he's not doing. I get what you're going for but it might be stronger if you write something like: 'eyes trained on father and son' or similar. Up to you, of course.


Another thing I didn't know. And another thing I will remember.


Quoted Text
You'd better call him Muslim Father at the end. I know you're trying to 'reveal' in a big way here but you call this character a few different names.

Yeah, I think I fucked up there. I didn't know whether to call him Father or Muslim Father, so I changed it a few times. Will defo rework that.


Quoted Text
In my opinion he can't possibly have a completed character arc to wanting to throw his arms around this man. I think that would be twee and unrealistic.

That was my initial thought. A little too corny?


Quoted Text
What I'm suggesting is that there should be ambivalence in that last reaction shot, not that he accepts everything in that moment. It can't possibly be a Brady Bunch moment - an audience would squirm. But it also would mean nothing if Alister rejects his saviour at the end i.e., a pointless and unsatisfying ending for an audience too.

Spot on. I'll re-write it to describe emotions better.


Quoted Text
Above all, this is written to challenge bigotry and prejudice, and make both the characters and the audience think about paths and attitudes chosen, and challenge how much those attitudes have been made and forged by someone else entirely - in this case his father's indoctrination, and to an extent those around him, his peers.

Couldn't have said it better myself.

Thanks a ton for the time to read and comment, mate. I'll be nominating you for Triple M's dead set legend, that's for damned sure.





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