All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Nice job, Pia. Good little piece for actors to sink their teeth into. Cool twist, and a great reaction by the cops at the end. Who says you can't write light-hearted comedy?!
There's not too much to this one. I wrote it yesterday at work between phone calls. It has absolutely nothing to do with Janet's script thread, but it did get me thinking how one thing is considered ok and another one isn't. Then I remembered an old HBO documentary loooong time ago about prostitutes and sting operations cops would conduct and I remember feeling sad for these people. To me, it's interesting how nowadays pretty much everything is considered okay and a personal choice when it comes to sex. Whatever you do, is your choice. However, if there's ever an exchange of money, even as small as $10 for sex between two consenting adults, it suddenly becomes a crime. The woman is a whore and the guy is a pervert. That was my thinking here. It was just an observation. I'm in no way for prostitution, nor do I want to discuss that old trade.
Cheers!
PS: The ending feels flat to me. If anyone has any suggestions how to punch it up a bit, I would definitely consider it.
Love the self-referential "Two Psychos" bit of dialogue. Overall, I liked this. Though I think you can amp up the dirty talk a little bit to make the payoff a little funnier. The orgy talk and all of that is fine, but I think you REALLY could've gone balls-to-the-wall a little bit. Because what they were talking about wasn't that inappropriate. And the manner wasn't really that dirty. Not any dirtier than a blowjob.
IMO, either amp up the filth in their conversation or make whatever the guy in the Mazda asked for not filthy at all. Maybe, he wanted to watch her lick a lollipop or some weird, yet non-filthy fetish he had in mind. It would make the punchline funnier... IMO.
Pia! I liked this. Very breezy dialogue. Not sure you need to change it much at all.
But since you asked for an alternate ending... perhaps the guy they arrest recognizes Kelly. Turns out he was one of the people at her last orgy party. So he's begging her, saying we did way worse stuff that other night. Then she's like "That wasn't for money, you sick bastard. Can't believe I ever let you ____ my _____."
I'm sure you can find something for the blank spaces.
Hey, awesome suggestions there! Like both of them. The only reason I probably won't go with the guy knowing Kelly is because everyone of these sting operations I've seen, the guy always look embarrassed and seems like he's ashamed!
Michael, awesome suggestion! What if the guy wanted to suck on her toes? That might be gross to most and sexual to the guy, but not really a sexual act. Could someone get arrested for that? If so, I'm going with it!
If he gets off to it, and he's offering money, I suppose he can still get arrested. Especially if he's offering money to someone he believes is a prostitute.
It flowed nicely. I read through it with ease. It read like a comedy sketch. Maybe something you might see on SNL. However after reading your motivation for the piece, I can see it was intended to be much more serious. Maybe I am wrong on that.
For that reason, perhaps, I would have liked it to be a little longer, or less funny. I don't know. But I think you hit something important on the head. Pop culture versus traditional core values. Definitely something I think is worth exploring.
I think a hand-job instead of blow-job would be a good pay-off... especially if you made the two undercover's conversation slightly filthier... perhaps mention of several holes being penetrated in the orgy conversation, how that could cause confusion... I dunno, that sounded pretty filthy just writing it here, lol. A hand-job is rather pedestrian in the sex world... probably the first thing a man experiences sexually in his life. I think that would be funny and ironic. Sucking toes is a bit kinky, not sure if that would be funny in the ironic kind of way that you're shooting for with the punchline. A hand-job is kind of innocent. Besides, what kind of man pays a prostitute for a hand-job?
I really like this one - particularly the satirical way you highlight how different standards apply in cases like this, depending on who you are. And - along with Mike - I love the Easter Egg nod to Two Psychos! )
Smart script...s real life story...it happens every day in New York City. Many times, the john is a policeman and he never pays... Well written. Fausto
thanks for reading and commenting and thanks for the suggestions as far as the John's fetish/desire. I will rewrite this one, but it will have to wait a few days or maybe even weeks. I'm currently in the pre-production of two shorts together with Dena! Sadly, not The Starving Sea. It turned out to be too much for our abilities at this time. We do hope to have one of the films ready before Halloween though. Hectic, but fun times! I will try to do a couple of return reads during work this week though. Already read Steven's Fair's Fare. Just need to write down some comments.
But anyways, nice reveal -- the whole ‘what’ they were doing sat there worked to keep me reading as did the dialogue (though I will say the language felt restrained for two cops just sitting around on a sting). Took me a little while to appreciate the payoff. I like the subtlety - but it is more a whimper than a bang.
All I can think is to end with Tina’s last line of dialogue - maybe even switch it to Dwayne or Kelly instead - and ramp up the profanity, which seemed oddly lacking given the adult subject matter.
Steve
My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website: