Intermission by Ben Clifford - Short - A young woman in an uncontacted tribe escapes with her newborn baby. 5 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

This may be the shortest period of time it's ever taken Don to put a script. Big thanks.

This is an experimental short without any (diagetic) dialogue.

Thanks for reading, if you do!

Yeah, okay.

So I'd be lying if I said I had any idea what I just read so I feel I can't comment on the story.

It's well written though. Some typos that would be easy to spot.

Quoted from Warren Yeah, okay. So I'd be lying if I said I had any idea what I just read so I feel I can't comment on the story. It's well written though. Some typos that would be easy to spot.

Warren,

My thoughts exactly.  Well written, but I don't understand the full story.  Hera's story holds together, more so if you remove the Announcer and the Charleston dancers.

One very nit picky:

Code O.S, in the distance, we still hear the ritualistic chanting and drum beats.

how about

Code In the distance, ritualistic chanting and drum beats can be heard. or Ritualistic chanting and drum beats are heard in the distance. or Hera hears ritualistic chanting and drum beats in the distance. or Hera hears in the distance the sound of ritualistic chanting and drum beats

(I know, kinda passive, but I'm not a fan of We see, follow, hear, feel and sometimes write crazy sentences to avoid them.)

- Don

Hey Warren and Don,

It's about the way we are voyuers when it comes to observing communities and tribes who don't engage in the "modern" world.

I understand that it's not very clear in that sense but (and it's a cop out) that was my intention.

Thanks for the feedback, super helpful.

Quoted from AlsoBen Hey Warren and Don, It's about the way we are voyuers when it comes to observing communities and tribes who don't engage in the "modern" world. I understand that it's not very clear in that sense but (and it's a cop out) that was my intention. Thanks for the feedback, super helpful.

I get it new. Btw, Nanook of the North is available on archive.org - amade up documentary of indigenous people which may help inform what you are trying to do.

- Don

What the...?

I'll claim ignorance as well. Don't have any idea where the concurrent narration fits and how this all plays out on screen.

Your logline needs a bit of work imh.
A young woman in an uncontacted tribe escapes with her newborn baby.
Specifically 'uncontacted'. I assume you mean something like 'remote' or cut off from civilization, or even 'ancient'.

- silent video of an empty theater stage, black and white. What are we actually seeing on screen with this Insert? The start of a reel of film?

Why does the Announcer keep saying: 'don't make a fuss?'

I know you're going for experimental but I need to know what I'm actually seeing on screen at different times.

perverse pink light
Query re your use of 'perverse' here. Perhaps 'incongruous'?

Moon Man prods Hera’s inner thigh, moving his hands up her
leg.
Is this a gesture of love/affection. Came across as a bit weird to me re his intentions. Threw me a bit.

Stepping past the three, tree?
eminantes emanates
Doubling up on the trees in that description para too.

a classy two-tone bell. ?? Are you referring to the sound here with 'classy'?

Why is Hera escaping? From what and whom? They all seemed rather nice and helpful to me.   There didn't appear to be any threat or motivation behind her escape? Is this a hybrid Truman Show/Apocalypto?

My understanding is that the 'FLUORESCENT, ARTIFICIAL LIGHT fills the JUNGLE' is the modern world impinging on the other, correct?  

Brave experiment. I'm just not quite sure about what we're seeing on screen at all times throughout.

Nice tone and imagery with the jungle scenes and the tribe. Very well depicted.

Thanks for the read, LC.

Quoted Text Specifically 'uncontacted'. I assume you mean something like 'remote' or cut off from civilization, or even 'ancient'.

"Uncontacted" is a specific term referring to people who live without having made contact with the wider community,

Quoted Text silent video of an empty theater stage, black and white. What are we actually seeing on screen with this Insert? The start of a reel of film?

I suppose that would be up to the director.

Quoted Text Why does the Announcer keep saying: 'don't make a fuss?'

That's not up to me

Quoted Text Query re your use of 'perverse' here. Perhaps 'incongruous'?

I don't really see what the issue is with "perverse". It means an unexpected or upsetting thing or happening, I'm pretty sure? I'll cefinitely consider changing it, though.

Quoted Text a classy two-tone bell. ?? Are you referring to the sound here with 'classy'?

Hey, I wasn't sure how to make it clear what I'm saying here. In a broadway (?) or other fancy play, they play a chime to encourage people back into the theatre. Something like this: http://www.audiosparx.com/sa/summary/play.cfm/crumb.2/crumc.0/sound_iid.19144.

Similarly, my intention with the lights flashing is another thing that theatres do after an intermission (make the lights flash) so people know to re-enter.

Quoted Text Why is Hera escaping? From what and whom? They all seemed rather nice and helpful to me.   There didn't appear to be any threat or motivation behind her escape? Is this a hybrid Truman Show/Apocalypto?

I don't have an answer to that. I tried to give a hint with the strangeness of the interaction w/ Moon Man. I guess I could be more explicit. Thanks for pointing it out.

Quoted Text My understanding is that the 'FLUORESCENT, ARTIFICIAL LIGHT fills the JUNGLE' is the modern world impinging on the other, correct?

Thats a nice way to look at it!

Appreciate the feedback, LC. Helps a lot. Cheers

Yep, you're right Ben. I just don't think 'uncontacted' is a terribly emotive word for a logline. That's all I'm getting at, to lure the viewer in.  Up to you, of course. You're the writer.

Quoted from Ben I suppose that would be up to the director. ... That's not up to me

You're writing the blueprint for the director so some tech things at the writing stage are up to you to convey your vision at that point.

INSERT:
-- silent video of an empty theater stage, black and white.
I will say again, I have no idea what this opener looks like as written. If this is black and white footage of a stage, film being rolled of the tribe, of an empty theatre etc. It's unclear. That's the top of your story. At the very least 'black and white' should go next to 'video' I would think, if your're going for B&W footage.

Quoted from Ben I don't really see what the issue is with "perverse"...

That's fine. I tend to think the word is used more commonly with people than with events, i.e., sexual perversity. Again, if you're happy with it, that's all that counts.

Quoted from Ben Hey, I wasn't sure how to make it clear what I'm saying here. In a broadway (?) or other fancy play, they play a chime ...

Chimes sounds good. Sometimes the simple description is the best, i.e., a loud chime or a bell sounds twice. I'd just ditch the 'classy'.

Quoted from Ben I don't have an answer to that. I tried to give a hint with the strangeness of the interaction w/ Moon Man. I guess I could be more explicit. Thanks for pointing it out.

Hmm. Or, maybe not. It did pull me up. Sometimes ideas in our heads as writers don't transfer to the page by deliberate choice. Looking at it again perhaps the response I had when reading was effective. Sometimes the best of weird and whacky film is the stuff that is only implied.

No need to respond to this unless you want to. Just clarifying a few of my own points.

As I go:

• Log lines are like opinions, opinions are like assholes, and this one stinks.  
  There's no mystery, no intrigue, no reason for me to read the script.  I know what happens already.
  She escapes with her baby.  The end.
  
• Page 1.  What are we inserting from?  You're using INSERT incorrectly.  
  Just FADE IN: on a black and white video of an old time theater.  Using INSERT confuses me before I've even read any of the story.
  
• Page 1.  How are the PIRACHUA PEOPLE a location as indicated in the slugline?  
  Perhaps PIRACHUA VILLAGE would be better.
  
• Page 1.  "...with the stalks of bushes and trees and pushed over..." This reads awkwardly.
  
• Page 1.  Palm fronds.  Not "froms".
  
• Page 1.  How do we see the tribesmen and their spears if they're "...somewhere in the shadows..." beating their drums.
  How are they beating the drums if they're holding spears?
  Are they beating the drum with a drumstick in one hand and a spear in the other?
  
• Page 2.  Hera "lies" down on the dirt floor.  Not "lays".  Unless you're talking about goose feathers.  Then technically she would lay down on the floor.
  

To be continued...

Jordan

Thanks for the read Nomad, I await the rest of your feedback

Wow, Ben. Can't say I know what to make of this one either, and I realize you were going for something experimental here. Just didn't make sense to me, and I'm not sure that's a bad thing. The writing is good, saw everything you wanted me to see.

Dare I say this read a bit Lynchian? I will. And from that aspect, it makes perfect sense. So good job. It's different and it stands out.

Steve

That's quite a compliment Steven! Thanks.

If you're curious about my intentions when writing this, I responded to Don and Warren up above. Cheers.

Ah, I see now. The Lynchian comment still stands, though.

(CONT'D)

• Page 2.  "O.S, in the distance, we still hear the ritualistic chanting and drum beats."
  This is way, totally, extremely, excessively overwritten.
  Here's what I'd do:  The drums and chanting pulsate outside.
  
• Page 2.  There is no place for a semicolon in a script.
  
• Page 2.  "Moon Man says something to Hera, quietly."  Perhaps, "Moon Man whispers to Hera."
  
• Page 3.  So when Hera's in the clearing of the village she's in the THICK JUNGLE - PIRACHUA PEOPLE, but when she's in the jungle, she's in the OUTSIDE CLEARING?  Seems a little backward.
  
• Page 3.  "Now in the thick forestry, Hera steps carefully over shrubs, walking between trees. The only light is moonlight, but it’s enough."
  Overwritten.  You could use the slugline to indicate that Hera is in the forest.  "Forestry" is a strange word choice here.  Is English your primary language? One can infer that there are trees in a forest that need to be walked between if you set the scene in a forest.  You don't need to tell me "...but it's enough."  If there wasn't enough light, Hera would have a difficult time navigating the forest.
  
• Page 3.  Conifers don't have buttress roots.
  
• Page 3.  "She spies the SUN -- up ahead, through the tries..." tries = trees.
  
• Page 3.  "Stepping past the three..." three = tree
  
• Page 3.  "The keep FLASHING..."  the = they
  
• Page 3.  "Intermission is over"  I did't know it had begun.
  

Well...this was definitely a script.

I'm not sure there was much overt meaning that could be interpreted here.  
It's all up to the reader to take away from this what they will.

Jordan