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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2K16 One Week Challenge  ›  Leprechaun Pride - OWC
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  Author    Leprechaun Pride - OWC  (currently 1908 views)
Don
Posted: October 15th, 2016, 12:15pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Leprechaun Pride by Crooked Nose

A closet Hollywood leprechaun has his pride damaged, and gets some serious revenge.

Short Comedy Horror based on A Leprechaun Story


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: October 15th, 2016, 2:28pm Report to Moderator
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Subtitle - should be SUPER

ALICE (30ís, sporting hot pants and a rainbow t-shirt)
would normally/better written as
ALICE, 30ís, sporting hot pants and a rainbow t-shirt. or ALICE (30ís), sporting hot pants and a rainbow t-shirt.
i.e. there's no need to put the description in brackets.

Devito as a Leprechaun, funny, and some funny banter and dialogue. Is the Montage really needed?

Decent effort and made me smile, and I'm not usually a comedy fan.

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
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ChrisBodily
Posted: October 15th, 2016, 5:51pm Report to Moderator
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I'm not sure I'm familiar with the original fairy tale, and it took several pages to get to anything resembling horror. But I gotta give you extra credit for Danny DeVito. Anything with DeVito (yes, even Junior) is worth it!


Quoted Text
Alice sprints up a hill towards where she left the Becky and Danny.


(CONTD.) [Should be (CONT'D), btw] is only used for dialogue separated by a page break. Turn off (MORE) and (CONT'D) in your program.

Other than that, no real problems. Somebody get Danny DeVito's agent on the phone.  

Magically delicious! A+


FADE IN:
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Warren
Posted: October 15th, 2016, 6:34pm Report to Moderator
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This had moments of good comedy. Cracked a smile several times.

Don't think it had any horror though. The thing about a great comedy horror is that there is still good old fashioned horror.

Still not a bad effort.

It's a consider from me.


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irish eyes
Posted: October 15th, 2016, 9:27pm Report to Moderator
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Dam those Leprechauns!

One of the better reads so far. I had a few laughs but no real horror at all.. considering the parameter.

Danny De Vito and Frankie Muniz. What a team! lol


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: October 16th, 2016, 9:19am Report to Moderator
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Leprechaun Ina gay march, pride, parade - rainbow colours - liked that

Pot of gold, humm, could have been something else - modern twist?

Danny divto as the leprechaun- it's ok, it probably me but I'm not a fan of stars in scripts. Besides parading hi a round in a collar would be a tad noticeable if we're using real stars

And this other fella falling out a tree - bit random. Did I miss some thing ?

The idea of being buried alive, since this is horror month, is sound. I just think it needed to be woven into more such as the consequence of greed.

Some decent ideas in there but felt a bit jumbled and random


My scripts †HERE

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MarkItZero
Posted: October 16th, 2016, 3:55pm Report to Moderator
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This is just a comedy or maybe comedy/action. There's no horror elements. It's also not particularly funny. The general idea of Danny DeVito being a leprechaun is slightly amusing. It just felt very rushed.

I would suggest fleshing out Alice and Becky more. Take them to the extreme... instead of just two random starstruck fans make them two rich, vapid, completely oblivious Beverly Hills girls. I think you were kind of going in that direction but it's not fully realized.


That rug really tied the room together.
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khamanna
Posted: October 17th, 2016, 5:48am Report to Moderator
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It was random for me.
I didn't see the girls motivation in three wishes - maybe that's why.
Because of the randomness of it (or so I think) - I found myself doubting the flow of it.

The whole thing is supposed to build on motivation. And it doesn't have the need for motivation you don't explain the girls or their worlds. They are just watching a parade - some girls I know nothing about. Then things start happening to them at random. They see DeVito. He wants to grant them three wishes...

THen suddenly he's on a leash. They go to a bar. Seems like anything can happen to these girls - depending on author's will. And maybe that's the right thing to do it - and imaginative way to do it, but something like this is not for me for this exact reason.
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Dreamscale
Posted: October 17th, 2016, 12:39pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Not sure this source material really qualifies here or not, but I'll go with it.

Opening is very poor, as you have no opening Slug, and are trying to be Director here with how a SUPER will "fade in".  

The passage itself is strangely written, with the descriptions in brackets - I have done this in past OWC's to throw off my identity..maybe the same thing is going on here?

Ha!  3rd passage is so awkward, I'm wondering if it's supposed to be.  Ending in the orphan, "scamperer" - Funny shit.

Danny DeVito?  OK, must be a pisser.  I see no horror here and no real attempt at this OWC challenge.  I'm out.

No grade


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.

Revision History (1 edits)
Dreamscale  -  October 18th, 2016, 6:40pm
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StevenClark
Posted: October 18th, 2016, 12:35am Report to Moderator
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Writer,  

Okay, so I must admit I've heard the rumors about this one! Word travels fast in the OWC. Anyway, I give you points for originality, that's for sure. And you know what? I kept on turning the pages cuz this was just so darn crazy and m, you know, I had to find out what happened to our heroines... and Danny. I guess Frankie Munoz was the twist at the end? For sure.

All things said, not really a serious entry in my book. But it was a fun diversion!

Steve


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AndrewD
Posted: October 18th, 2016, 6:30pm Report to Moderator
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No real complaints from me on this one. I liked it. Fun and crazy. Nice originality from it. One of my favorites so far.
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Nolan
Posted: October 18th, 2016, 8:08pm Report to Moderator
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I love "It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia", so I enjoyed the Danny Devito portion of it.  I laughed a few times.  This was certainly different from all the other entries I've read thus far.  But even being different like that didn't really make up for the lack of horror for me.  It was more a comedy, and I do love myself a good comedy.  

As some people have pointed out, there is the slight horror element at the end, thereby making it a possible horror/comedy.  I didn't feel like there was enough of the horror part to classify it as that.  I would call it more of a dark comedy, personally.  A really odd dark comedy.

Good job on making me laugh.  I appreciated that!

Nolan  
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pale yellow
Posted: October 18th, 2016, 8:09pm Report to Moderator
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OMG LOL out of the gate.

And then Danny as a Leprechaun! Good stuff here and thank you for  making me laugh.

Never ever seen a Montage done that way.

The writing in this is good. I'm not sure about the original fairy tale as I've never heard of it. Not sure if having Danny as the Lep helps the story or hurts it though. Some of the stuff here was so far out  and didn't really move the story but the writing was so good and the dialogue was pretty good as well that I like it!

Good job!!


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RJ
Posted: October 19th, 2016, 6:57am Report to Moderator
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The writing at times seems rushed - possible last minute entry?

Doesn't really fit the parameters of the OWC, IMO, but damn it was funny.

All in all - this was creative and an enjoyable read - I wouldn't change anything in the storyline - it all seemed to work and I liked the shovel scene at the end - just go over and fix some of the writing errors. As for the challenge this isn't necessarily horror which pretty much rules it out, I would think.
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: October 20th, 2016, 5:47am Report to Moderator
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Well written. I did go off this as soon as I realized the entire premise relies on Danny Devito agreeing to do this but it was an amusing read. I didn't see any horror though.

A pass.

- Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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