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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2K16 One Week Challenge  ›  One Two - OWC
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  Author    One Two - OWC  (currently 2682 views)
Don
Posted: October 15th, 2016, 12:25pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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One Two by Yarden

Catherine must cook the meal of her life or lose her own.

Short Splatter Horror based on One, Two, Buckle My Shoe


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Warren
Posted: October 15th, 2016, 11:23pm Report to Moderator
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This is way over written. You go into so much unnecessary detail which just makes things confusing. The whole, rope going through a hole and pulley system that you go over a few times did my head in. I mean,I got it, but it was just so over explained.

Almost every action block starts with either he, his or she. Try changing up the perspective from which you are writting to fix this. I personally used to do a lot of this and know it can be a hard one to change.

Had some horrific moments so that was good.

I wasn't a fan of the story overall.

It's a pass from me.


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Gum
Posted: October 15th, 2016, 11:27pm Report to Moderator
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At first I wasn't sure what to make of this, then I had a gander at the original 'One Two' nursery rhyme... you hit every damn part of the rhyme sequence with a scene beat, that's pretty freakin' awesome, man.

Brilliant use of a simple nursery rhyme to paint a lucid, and I do mean 'lucid' tale of  woe. Not sure what, or if you could change anything about this without losing any tie to the original piece.

If Nathaniel was singing the rhyme sequence as he engaged each aspect of his ritual, it would really blow the lid off of this tale, IMO. It would also give the sense of him being even more calm and collected (perfectly insane) whilst he went about his blood lust; by simply singing a well known nursery rhyme. As well, it would inject a bit more dialog into the script, breaking up the long action sequences.

Love the effort and imagination going on here. Wicked.
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Hugh Hoyland
Posted: October 16th, 2016, 12:28am Report to Moderator
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After reading One, Two, Buckle my Shoe I got what the writer is going for. But if this were filmed would the viewer catch that idea or think its just another Texas Chainsaw Massacre style story.

But It definitely meets the requirement for the challenge IMO. Actually I don't see a real problem with this besides the descriptions of how the trap is set up. Sometimes that comes off like I'm reading one of those instruction pages on how to put a cabinet or swing set together.

Good Job and I'll give it a B


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: October 16th, 2016, 4:27pm Report to Moderator
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The effects of writing again....

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The concept I like. A woman has to cook for her life. But I found there to be way too much detail and it was heavy going. Feels like it needs more story, in fact who's story is this. If the girls, let's meet her earlier etc

Then the punch line is more food, but that's it.

Has potential but needs more...food. Boom boom.


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StevenClark
Posted: October 17th, 2016, 8:05am Report to Moderator
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Writer,

Normally I do not stop reading as I want to give everyone a fair shake. We all deserve that. However, this is so way overwritten that I cannot grasp what the story is -- I'm lost in all of your unnessessarily precise descriptions. Written well, mind you, but I'm unable to follow the path of the story because of it.

Steve


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Dreamscale
Posted: October 17th, 2016, 12:17pm Report to Moderator
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Good writing out of the gate.

Oh boy...what happened here?  This now reads like a shopping list - he does this, he does that, and all of the things "he's" doing, don't matter at all to anyone or anything.

Page 2 - Here's a perfect example of unnecessary writing, and actually an example I've used many times in trying to explain overwriting - "Nathaniel exits the front door and shuts it behind him." - No one ever wants to see someone opening and closing doors, unless something scary or the like is behind said door.  It's just a waste of a line, and at just over 6 pages, with so much overwriting going on, this story is obviously threadbare.

Page 3 - I don't think "HOLE" is the right Slug choice, here.  I had to reread the whole scene twice to figure out where we were.

Pretty tough to pull a still beating heart from one's abdomen.

"it in.  It SIZZLES as it his the hot iron." - No clue what this means...or is supposed to mean.

Getting confusing on page 4, and I think it's your Slugs that are doing you in.

The montage does not work at all and completely changes the pace of the script.

The ending leaves me pretty clueless.

Canis says you hit every part of the rhyme with a scene beat, but I didn't get anything from the source material and never in my wildest dreams wold associate this with One Two, Buckle my Shoe.

Biggest issue is the writing and how overwritten it is.  Just doesn't work at all, but I do compliment you on your thought and effort here.

Grades

Challenge Parameters - C

Script/Story/Execution - C


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Gum
Posted: October 17th, 2016, 1:49pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dreamscale
Canis says you hit every part of the rhyme with a scene beat, but I didn't get anything from the source material and never in my wildest dreams wold associate this with One Two, Buckle my Shoe.


Lol, dude, I had the same problem, and then it hit me like an epiphany…


Quoted from Dreamscale
Here's a perfect example of unnecessary writing, and actually an example I've used many times in trying to explain overwriting - "Nathaniel exits the front door and shuts it behind him." - No one ever wants to see someone opening and closing doors, unless something scary or the like is behind said door.  It's just a waste of a line, and at just over 6 pages, with so much overwriting going on, this story is obviously threadbare.


Three, four… shut the door.

… and that’s when the realization of what was transpiring came clear. If you use the link under the logline to the original, you’ll see that source material is incorporated into the script. I don’t know who wrote it… I just thought it was clever.

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Gum  -  October 17th, 2016, 2:05pm
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Dreamscale
Posted: October 17th, 2016, 2:06pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Gum


Lol, dude, I had the same problem, and then it hit me like an epiphany…



Three, four… shut the door.

… and that’s when the realization of what was transpiring came clear. If you use the link under the logline to the original, you’ll see that source material is incorporated into the script. I don’t know who wrote it, and I’m not trying to kiss anyone’s ass here… I just thought it was clever.


I hear what you're saying.  It's something like the rhyming script. It may well be ingenious, and that's not somehting that transfers to film, or how a script si written.



To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: October 17th, 2016, 2:08pm Report to Moderator
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A really, really interesting attempt.

Outside of the challenge, it's connection to the Rhyme would be far too opaque. I don't know how you could fix that. You could perhaps have the poem at the start, or make it somehow a diagetic part of the script.

I was very involved in the story, it had a wonderfully intense atmosphere, however the ending underwhelmed me. There was too much build up to have such an emotionally small ending.

Good effort.
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Gum
Posted: October 17th, 2016, 2:24pm Report to Moderator
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I agree, it would totally be lost on you if you didn’t have anything to gauge it by on screen, what was transpiring that is. I briefly mentioned singing, or humming the rhyme during the process, at some point it just might jar the mind as to what was happening.

Actually the version I’m used to was completely different to the original here, so even then it would be a difficult thing to peg but, for this OWC I thought it was kind of cool. K, sorry… I won’t bloat your thread anymore
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JEStaats
Posted: October 18th, 2016, 2:24pm Report to Moderator
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I need to agree as well. Overwritten and complicated. I didn't want to search for the original rhyme innuendo as it distracted me from what was going on. The reference would be totally lost if produced. I think I would have liked it more if I wasn't so distracted.
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khamanna
Posted: October 18th, 2016, 2:42pm Report to Moderator
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To tell you the truth I didn't understand clearly what you're driving at.

I know the rhyme but don't see how the script is related to it. But that's not important for me. I thought the rhyme might help me understand the idea but it doesn't.

I can take a guess and say that Catherine is trying to tame the moster that he is. And she's doing fine. So you're giving us a glimpse at what the taming of a monster might be like. Or maybe you want to say that taming of a monster is possible.

But it's such a wild guess.
The beginning of it is interesting and exciting. You could introduce Catherine earlier to keep our interest in. And then get to the idea of the story.
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Cam Gray
Posted: October 18th, 2016, 3:20pm Report to Moderator
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I'll start with the positives. It's really well written with clean, crisp descriptions and well sculpted characters.

Negatives. Main one for me is the lack of dialogue, and exceptionally lengthy descriptions. I understand that this contradicts the positives, but upon starting the piece, well it was like getting hit in the face with a massive chunk of text. You've clearly got the skill to create exceptional scripts, but you've got to trim down all the excess wordage for an easier read.

A little confession, gory horror is an absolute hate of mine, and a lot of the time I often think it's just slashing for slashing's sake. I didn't hate this, in fact I quite liked it, yet another consider for me.


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MarkItZero
Posted: October 18th, 2016, 6:06pm Report to Moderator
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I really don't have anything to add to this. I will say I liked the first scene in the cabin.

Code

He glides the razor up his neck. Precise. Methodical.



Code

A woman SCREAMS in the other room.
Nathaniel doesn’t flinch, and continues his ritual.



This stuff was interesting.

When the descriptions focused on Nathaniel and illuminated some tiny bit of his character I was intrigued. Those seemed to be only parts not overwritten too.

This didn't feel like a new writer at all so maybe someone who's been writing a lot of prose recently?


That rug really tied the room together.
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