The Getaway by Kirsten - Short, Comedy - Collin and Robert successfully rob the Merit Bank in town, but their getaway proves to be more difficult than expected. Goofball, zany comedy. 14 pages - pdf, format

New writer interested in feedback on this work

Hey Kirsten,

Strange one this. As it starts there's a lot of description and build up, which I'm not necessarily against but some may take issue with, personally speaking I thought it worked quite well.

Now, down to the characters. The London cock'er'ney dialogue was cute at first, but I found it a bit grating after a while. I'm not sure you need it, maybe just set the thing in London, and dictate one character having a local accent, the other a silver tongue.

There's a good few typos in there, and the formatting needs work with missed full stops and bits of text just seeming to end, but it's salvageable. The conversation between the two robbers works in large, but as I said I'd scrub the cockney accent as it's just distracting.

Also just a point, but if this is set in Englandshire, the regular police don't carry guns.

Anyway, needs some more work, and a good few formatting and typo checks, but take another look at it and see what you can get out of it.

Cheers

Cam

K,
Enjoyed your story.  Chuckled more than a few times.  Agree with Cam on the cockney dialogue.
Tough to follow at times, I might have a different opinion if the script was "table read" by actors who could pull off the accents so a (northeast US guy could really appreciate).

Really liked your character descriptions and the dropped cigarette  action and banter was top shelf.

Good stuff.
R

Hi Guys, thankyou so much for c the read and feedback. I am on holiday right now, so writing is on hold, but I wanted to pop in and say thanks and will respond properly in a week....

Cam, yes it's zany, I tend to see humor in everything and every one, i need to learn to refine it, so its not to far out...

This is my first comedy short and it is based on my wife and I getting caught in the rain after our window wipers stopped working. The scene with he the torrential downpour and Collin hanging out the window is based on me hanging out the window. We did pull into a mcdonalds to save us and there was a cop there.That's were it ended for us.  

Yes I agree about the accent, I did wonder if it was going to be grating to the reader. It is set in the USA. Collin is the foreigner and Robert has lots of OCD hang ups. One of them is about speaking properly.

I will definately be sprucing this up and ready posting. I want it to be shorter and trimming the descriptions should help.

Jake Jon, I'm glad you enjoyed it and got a laugh out of it. Your words mean alot to me, if I can make one person laugh I'm happy!