Satan's Slave by David Black - Short, Horror - A curious teenager discovers the devastating consequences of playing a notorious video game.  5 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

I loved it! If I had to change something, that would be the era. Make it look like it's the 90's, give this a nostalgic, retro feeling, make that game look something like Doom or Carmageddon, heavily pixelated and sick. Maybe a black cartridge with a red Satan's Slave logo that plays on an obscure console, or something like that.

Overall I think that was a great one.

Story-wise, I actually like it...alot!

Writing-wise and format-wise, lots of problems throughout.

With Slugs, always start with the biggest piece, then go down - HOUSE - BEDROOM.

When you want to show the laptop or phone screen, you need to use an "INSERT".  When it's done, use "BACK TO SCENE", and you'll be in the same Slug you last were.

Give your characters actual ages - middle aged can mean so many things and only you, the writer, know their actual ages.

At only 15, Jeremy sounds a bit over the top, in terms of his life style.  Why would his Mom and Dad allow him to be smoking herb from a bong , in his bedroom?  Do kids really have nude posters on their walls?  How can that be acceptable?

Personally, I'd add a little to the actual game playing.

I really like the ending, but how does the news reporter know about this murder already?  How do the police know?

Good effort here!

Thank you Sotiris and Dreamscale for reading and posting your thoughts,  I'm pleased you found some entertainment value in the idea.  I appreciate your comments about the format, will address those issues.

This is loosely based on a topic I discovered not too long ago.  A reviewer on youtube found a game on the dark web which included disturbing images and found himself feeling incredibly ill after playing it.

I planned on using more game imagery, particuarly seeing Jeremy kill what he would see as witches or monsters but would really be his mother and father.  I dumped that idea, it might come across as hokey, and would possibly be a budget obstacle that might hinder any possible interest.

Regarding Jeremy's bedroom and parents allowing him to smoke pot (assuming they knew)... I'm just going from experience on that one.  Some might call his family liberated, others might call them dysfunctional.

The police siren and the newsreader at the end are just bookends.  They are not meant to be happening exactly at that precise time, (maybe the sirens - perhaps the neighbours heard some commotion and called the police) but some time later.

Thanks again, all the best to you both.

A Black story indeed....maybe, you should write a little about the dysfunctional  family so that we can understand where he's coming from...football watching is not enough. The ending is great ...work a little on the writing style (SLUGS, INSERT)...A polishing will go a long way.
My best,
Fausto