All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
People's Parties by Ben Clifford - Series, Comedy - Two self-involved, entitled millenials face an unexpected pregnancy, a suicide attempt and disastrous sexual escapades in an attempt to forge identities and be "real adults". 45 pages - pdf, format
People's Parties Episode 2 by Ben Clifford - Series, Comedy - Dan and Sammy travel interstate for Sammy's abortion, during which Dan abandons Sammy to chase after an ex. Meanwhile, Janet decides to pursue the second-last ethnicity in her sexual odyssey: sleep with a Chinese dude. 43 pages - pdf, format
I really enjoyed this. It had many funny lines, the dialogue in general was very good. It definitely had a millennial feel to it in its tone. And near the end it got deep, and I enjoyed that.
The lines between Janet and Sammy on page 21 are hilarious. Janet is hilarious in general really, but that conversation in particular. The timing at which the jokes hit during the party is great.
A couple of minor notes:
On page 14, Pamela's line about Sony being a Japanese brand comes off to yelly, probably due to the exclamation point. I feel like it would make more sense for her to be calm saying this line.
I don't see the point of the scene in the ambulance (page 18 ) just to end it after that one question.
There was quite a lot of funny moments and lines throughout, You seem to be pretty good writing comedy, something I find hard myself.
The characters are well written as well, both Sammy and Dan are well thought out and their personalities work very well within the story. From them alone I am interested in reading the next episode, which I see you now have up. I will be away for a bit so I will save a bunch screenplays for some reading material...still have quite a few from the 2016 awards consideration list to get through.
Seems like everything on TV here in Canada is crap apart from a handful of shows, this sort of has the same feel as Detectorists ( a UK tv show I recently got into) the premise isn't very big, but the characters make it so engaging.
This is really not my cup of tea (probably my age) - but it is really superbly written. lean, crisp and moved right along. Nice job, man. Professionally done, IMO.
Hey, Ben. I read the pilot and started reading the second episode but decided to write about the pilot first, so I do not forget.
That was certainly a breeze to read. The characters are nicely done. All of them have very unique voices for me and Janet was a lot of fun. A bit much about sex for me - I wish there was something else that would reveal stuff about the characters. --pictures, toys, stories of their past that don't have to do with sex perhaps - anything will do.
A few notes: p6 and I might be severely wrong, but "unhandsome"?
p6 - I didn't like their conversation. It's matter of factly and doesn't show Ted as uncaring shallow individual - and it should. I know that's on your mind. So I'm thinking the dialog here could be sharper. I read the first 12 of the feature and that part read different and better imo in that one.
p12 SAMMY "I think I'll sleep alone tonight" - that's too melow even for someone like Sammy. In the feature she's a bit angrier and again it works better for me. (no more comparing to the feature from now on, lol)
p14 - I don't get what Susan is saying.
p16 "Dan standS" - typo (just in case)
p17 Another Susan?
p25 All their game comments are of sexual nature. I don't know, they are not teenagers. If I were stereotyping - people in their twenties, some of them have masters...and it's all about sex. I don't know if that's just me or something but all that sex talk quickly bored me.
p27 - Now I'm confused - is Sammy talking about Dan, or about another guy? She never gives the guy's name to Janet. She seems such perfect and close relationship with Dan that I can't believe she would talk about him as if he was some guy in high school.
And I don't understand what happened there with her and DAn - which is partly a good thing because it keeps me going. But on the other hand, I think you could give a bit more to keep the excitement at a float. A very tiny bit.
I didn't like her hitting it off wiht Heath - that part reads robotic. Maybe they start, then she rejects him, then she has to go for it because they are already in that part of the house and she doesn't want to break Heath's hopes.
Other than that - I have very high expectations for the second episode as the first one really knocked me out of the park. Very nice, Ben in my op.
Dave: totally get it. Not for everyone. Glad you appreciated it.
Kham:
Thanks for such thorough feedback, really grateful.
Quoted Text
p6 and I might be severely wrong, but "unhandsome"?
It's definitely not a word, and it's very awkward in use. Thanks for pointing it out.
Quoted Text
All their game comments are of sexual nature. I don't know, they are not teenagers. If I were stereotyping - people in their twenties, some of them have masters...and it's all about sex. I don't know if that's just me or something but all that sex talk quickly bored me.
Haha, maybe my friends are immature, but those drinking games always turn into sex questions. I just skipped the "respectable" questions. I think you're right though.
Not long after finishing the first episode. Not much feedback I can offer only I really liked it. The character's are all around my age range so I found them relatable. Really good dialogue with a few good one liners, really funny. Kind of reminded me of Lena Dunham's Girls, if you've ever seen that.
Going to get to the next episode as soon as possible. Well done on this.
"No matter what you do, your job is to tell your story..."
Oh my God, the scene with the drag queen, very funny. Really starting to warm up to Dan, he's such a goof I love him. Can't wait to see how things play out with him and Joel. There's a lot going on with the character's, but not too much, and the way you balance the storylines is good. Janet reminds me so much of my best friend it's crazy. Her character is great. Can't wait to see how things unfold with Sammy in the next episode considering the news she's just got. Your dialogue is really good, too. Realistic and witty. Good job!
Here's some tiny, nitpick error's I noted whilst reading...
pg 2 - Sammy read it - should be "reads" pg 6 - Janet's dialogue; So what did you say did again? Forgot the "you". pg 9 - Dan's dialogue; do you gys - "guys" pg 17 - Dan's dialogue; they don't us do that yet - not sure what this was meant to be. pg 18 - There's a few others around, but it's most empty - "mostly" pg 24 - DANT should be DAN pg 29 - "Why'd you invite me out for lunch/" Pg 31 - Nurse, "Ae you..." should be Are
My only question now is when will we be getting the next episode?!
"No matter what you do, your job is to tell your story..."
Hey, Ben again) Storywise I've got one suggestion - you didn't go into much of Sammy and Dan and I sensed something happened between them. Sammy said she loves him in the first episode and I wanted to know what it was about. But now you went around it and my excitement is down - I wish you brought it up in the second episode, when it's still hot.
Very nice job. Especially how you handled Joel and Dan.
I don't think it's a comedy. No sir, not at all, it's a very heartfelt dramedy. Or drama for me.
I've got some notes, wrote everything that came into mind, so don't get angry with me please)
p2 Sammy readS it - typo p2 - The start of Michael's conversation here is kind of abrupt for me. "New Girl" - maybe add a question mark at the end. Then he goes on "what they want" - I'm not crazy about the flow here p5 "applying makeup" you have "appling" p5 "come in through the door" sounds strange p6 "What did you say YOU did again?"
p6 I'm a child protection officer. How about you" - I didn't like "You never told me what you do' as I'm not sure about the gramma "you never told me what you did" and I like to avoid instances like that. Also, I think it's just more natural to ask "how about you" Or maybe it could "I'm with child protection servises. We interview.." (and whatever they do there" would add a bit of texture to the conversation.
I know that tax accounting is not a dignified profession sort of as they bring pain (or watever) to people)) but I still don't think her "ew" is not justified. maybe if he said "I'm a tax accountant. I count... you know, taxes" - for him to show how boring this tax-counting is. "It's a paying job. We all need one" instead of "it's a job. We all need a job" - maybe. Something is off here. p10 "Well, I took a mental health day" and a few lines after that - I'm not crazy about the flow here again. Instead of "Well, I work in-house" maybe "it's an in-house job for" - to avoid another "I do this" and "I do that" and avoid another "well"
p17 typo "they don't us do that yet" probably should be "they don't let us do that yet" p19 Janet, panting, sits down - sounds like she's panting because she's drunk. maybe "gasping" p21 'transplant"? - maybe "transvestite" or something, not transplant p25 A bit muc of talk and little conflict for me. Michael and Janet's scene is a bit long and all talk. And little conflict. I'd even suggest you cut some in the middle and go straight to "kids" talk. This one is a hoot, by the way. for someone with an English degree she uses a lot of 'like". I don't know.. p40 shouldn't it be "yes" instead of "no". As in - Yes, I stole it.