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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Comedy Scripts  ›  Trauma Teddy
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  Author    Trauma Teddy  (currently 2827 views)
Don
Posted: October 30th, 2016, 3:26pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Trauma Teddy by Warren Duncan - Short, Comedy, Dark Comedy, Animation - A teddy bear recounts a traumatic event from his past. 4 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  October 30th, 2016, 8:57pm
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SAC
Posted: October 30th, 2016, 4:32pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

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Haha!! Love it, you sick bastard! Very original, creative. Liked the opening with the shots of the desk and diploma's interspersed with the O.S. dialogue. That worked well because you kept those descriptions brief - one line only.

At work now so I might come back with a bit more detail, but I like this one a lot! Good work.

Steve


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Warren
Posted: October 30th, 2016, 6:18pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks Steven,

I've been toying with this one for awhile, finally decided to get it down.



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Warren  -  October 30th, 2016, 6:39pm
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MarkItZero
Posted: October 30th, 2016, 8:29pm Report to Moderator
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Wow, that's an awesome concept. Funny stuff. Funny and clever enough that I was actually kind of let down it ended so quickly. You probably wanna keep it as short and easy to make as possible...

But I'd consider having the therapist say something about Teddy needing to get closure. Then next scene is Teddy finding a now grown up Bobby working at some office and beating the crap out of him in broad daylight. Or at least some kind of entertaining confrontation between a grown up Bobby and this giant talking Teddy Bear.

I think there's a lot of potential there.  


That rug really tied the room together.
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Warren
Posted: October 30th, 2016, 9:25pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, mate.

Thanks for the read.

Yes page count was definitely a consideration for this one because of what it is.

I guess I didn't want to encroach on Ted territory and just wanted to get out my very contained idea.

Cheers, appreciated as always


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: October 30th, 2016, 9:40pm Report to Moderator
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Really liked this, clever role reverasal and funny (in a you-sick-f@ck kinda way).

Couple of niggly bits...
- Not sure why first few line of dialogue are O.S. as we're in the office with them.
- Think Maria is introduced without CAPS.
- Felt ending was a little abrupt, though loved the end line!

Good job.

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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LC
Posted: October 30th, 2016, 10:40pm Report to Moderator
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Nothing to add other than what's been said really. I do like MIZ's comment about Teddy 'needing closure' but more in dialogue from the Shrink, rather than adding another scene.

This is funny and effective in a cornball kinda way.
And original. I enjoyed it.

P.S. Re Ant's comment, I assume the reason for O.S. at the top is so we hear voices only and then the surprise reveal that these two are in fact Teddy Bears?



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Warren
Posted: October 30th, 2016, 11:04pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the read, Anthony and LC.

Correct about the O.S., they are in the scene but 'off screen' then revealed to be bears.

Glad it is having the effect I was going for.

Will tidy up what needs tidying up.

Cheers.


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AlsoBen
Posted: October 31st, 2016, 4:45am Report to Moderator
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Hi!

This was funny. Few things:

"COUNCILLOR’S OFFICE" - it's spelt "counsellor"

Some of Bobby's lines don't sound like a six year old's "my life changed forever," etc

This was a little short. I don't have too much to say because it was effective, and I don't know how much you could add. A punchline of some sort from the bear psychiatrist might round it up. I don't know.

Good work!


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Warren
Posted: October 31st, 2016, 4:50am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the read, Ben.

Will fix that up, not sure how it slipped through.

I think you'll find that's Teddy's line in a V.O.

Definitely short because of what it takes to do an animation.

Thanks for the good comments, appreciated.



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Warren  -  October 31st, 2016, 9:09pm
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Nolan
Posted: October 31st, 2016, 3:36pm Report to Moderator
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Very nice.  

It was predictable to me when the little boy was introduced, but in no way did it take away from the punchline!  

I laughed regardless.  Well done.  

Nolan
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Warren
Posted: October 31st, 2016, 3:50pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks, Nolan.

Glad you liked it.


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JakeJon
Posted: November 1st, 2016, 12:17pm Report to Moderator
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W,
So I'm thinking, at first,  TED 3 is going to be a  short, cartoon.  My bad!  I left out creative and very, very funny.
Held it together until,  "He touched me Doc, the sick  f--- touched me"  Yeah, I laughed out loud!  A thought: Maybe you reveal, at first, that only Teddy is a TB.  Leave the psychiatrist's "bearness" until the last scene.  Not sure if doing that adds or subtracts from the over all fun?

Good onya  (How about that?)

JJ
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Gary Manson
Posted: November 1st, 2016, 12:45pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Warren, absolutely brilliant. So this is how it's done, it got me wanting more.
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Warren
Posted: November 1st, 2016, 3:16pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the read, Jake and Gary.

Glad this worked for you and gave you a bit of a laugh.


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