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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Thriller Scripts  ›  Kissing Death
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  Author    Kissing Death  (currently 1163 views)
Don
Posted: November 5th, 2016, 5:36am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Kissing Death (in italiano) by Fausto Lucignani - Short, Thriller - Life treats an erratic mobster and a pulchritudinous woman with a night of sex and a day of death. 8 pages

production:  This 8-page script (2)includes dual conversation in Italian and English. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work


Kissing Death (english only) by Fausto Lucignani - Short, Thriller - Life treats an erratic mobster and a pulchritudinous woman with a night of sex and a day of death.  8 pages

Production: This 8-page script is very inexpensive to produce. Only two actors, two rooms,a street with a taxi and a voice on the telephone. However, there are a few lines in Italian (subtitled). Of course, I can provide the Italian version. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work




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LC
Posted: November 5th, 2016, 5:52am Report to Moderator
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Don, getting a 404 on this one.

Fausto, great way to entice me to read your script with the word: pulchritudinous in your logline. Breathtakingly and heartbreakingly beautiful apparently.

Anyway, I can't read it quite yet...


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Warren
Posted: November 5th, 2016, 6:39am Report to Moderator
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Link not working


To View All My Scripts Please Use The Link Below

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Fausto
Posted: November 7th, 2016, 2:24pm Report to Moderator
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Guys,
I'm sorry for the inconvenience. I hope Don will be able to fix the problem.
Thank you for checking out my script.
My best,
Fausto
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Don
Posted: November 7th, 2016, 6:13pm Report to Moderator
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The problem has been fixed.  I apologize.

- Don


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JakeJon
Posted: November 7th, 2016, 7:22pm Report to Moderator
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F,
PULCHRITUDINOUS.  LC was right.  YUP, had to look that one up.  It, works for Concetta.

Perhaps I'll be the first one with,  " Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer".

I liked your story.  Very colorful; vivid characters.  A very fast read.  Fun.

Didn't get, pg 5. Concetta to Vito :  "You've beautiful hair".  Vito's response, "They are amazing....aren't they."  Is he staring at her breasts or is he wearing a dual toupee?   Or did I miss something?

Also, pg 6.  Concetta kisses his check. (cheek)  If you wrote it chek-a, may have worked.  Only kidding.

These are only nits.  I really enjoyed it.


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Warren
Posted: November 7th, 2016, 7:40pm Report to Moderator
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Sorry but this didn't work for me.

I don't feel the story has much substance. Stuff just happens for no particular reason, well atleast none that I can see.

Vito says "you know what I mean" three times in a row, it reads awkwardly.

SPOILERS:

Why did she have to sleep with him, seems like she could have poisoned him at any point.

Their "relationship" happens very fast.

I just don't get why any of it happened and why it had to happen the way it did.

I know this is an ongoing issue but the dialogue is on the nose. The characters say absolutely everything they are thinking, there is no subtext.


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LC
Posted: November 7th, 2016, 10:23pm Report to Moderator
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SPOILERS



Fausto, this is what I call a 1,2,3,4, linear story. Your femme fatale arrives, does the deed with unsuspecting gullible guy, they discuss (rather incongruously their further plans) and then she poisons him. She could have poisoned him the night before by putting something in his coffee.

I don't mean to be harsh but as a 'short' I don't think this has enough of a story with payoff/surprise/twist.

Concetta spits on him in the final scene with disgust which seemed like overkill imh, and the reason for that is there's no apparent justification we see in the actual story for that, except that Vito isn't liked.

Is it wise to name your character Vito? I immediately think of Corleone.

Few technicalities. Quite a few NESB errors.

And I'm wondering if perhaps more of the story is getting a little lost in the translation?

No need for the brackets around your first description.

paces nervously (not pace)
I know a couple of places...' (not place)
Concetta bursts into laughter (not burst)

Men of my age are so immature (the 'of' is not needed)

leans into her body and kisses her on the lips

You still have those coloured hair
should be:

you still got that crazy coloured hair
or: is your hair still that crazy colour
or: you still a bleached blonde?

Then:

It makes me look younger

Why the VOICE at the beginning. I understand he's a mystery man identified only by his stutter, but there's no payoff for this, no reveal.  The Voice returning at the end is not really a surprise.

Overall this comes off more as an intro to a longer story about a Mafioso family and an introduction to characters in a feature or series than a self contained short.

P.S. Intro the WOMAN as Concetta from the start.

A gorgeous woman, CONCETTA,  brunette, late twenties, legs up to her armpits,  exits the taxi.

Keep at it.

I only speak one language and even that one trips me up now and again.









Revision History (1 edits)
LC  -  November 7th, 2016, 11:38pm
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Fausto
Posted: November 8th, 2016, 11:33am Report to Moderator
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Jake Jon from NJ...I'm from NJ too.
Thank you for your read.
Vito's character has been inspired by Donald Trump (everything is great, terrific, amazing etc.)

Concetta caresses his hair.
CONCETTA
You've beautiful hair.
VITO
They are amazing...aren't they?
CONCETTA
Yeah, ...you're amazing too, the pill you took did miracles.
VITO
Just an energy vitamin.....

Maybe like this is better:
CONCETTA
I love the color of your hair.
VITO
It's amazing...isn't it?
CONCETTA
Yeah, ...you're amazing too, the pill you took did miracles.
VITO
Just an energy vitamin...
Thanks again.
Fausto
.
"
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RichardR
Posted: November 8th, 2016, 11:47am Report to Moderator
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Some notes

This one doesn't twist or jag or anything.  The killer arrives, and it's pretty much what we would expect.  there's some gratuitous sex and then she kills him?  Might be more telling if she substituted a poison pill for the ones he uses for sex.  That would be ironic.

If you want to have a seduction scene, you might consider seduction.  She's hardly a knockout.  She speaks halting English.  But he is such a pig not even her homely looks deter him.  In fact, you could have him teach her English--by sex terms.  What a way to show what a pig he is.

In any case, take us down a path that looks all roses and turns into thorns.

Best
Richard
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Fausto
Posted: November 8th, 2016, 2:21pm Report to Moderator
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Richard,
thank you for your review. I'll try to dissect the story:

Vito is getting old and more and more erratic.
His behavior is not approved by the Mafia families in the USA and by the big boss in Italy.
The "capo" sends a killer-for-hire (the woman) to kill Vito.
Vito asks a lot of questions and, to appease him, the woman (Concetta) accepts to make love with him.
Then, after she's sure that Vito is OK with her visit, she kills him, as by her contract with the boss in Italy.
I have modified the script to present more clearly the story.
Note, sex here is very marginal....he's a pig and Concetta agrees to make love to assure him that  he could trust her. After all, the mobster is smart and knows if something "strange" is going on.
Thanks again,
Fausto
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