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Kissing Death (in italiano) by Fausto Lucignani - Short, Thriller - Life treats an erratic mobster and a pulchritudinous woman with a night of sex and a day of death. 8 pages
production: This 8-page script (2)includes dual conversation in Italian and English. - pdf, format
Writer interested in feedback on this work
Kissing Death (english only) by Fausto Lucignani - Short, Thriller - Life treats an erratic mobster and a pulchritudinous woman with a night of sex and a day of death. 8 pages
Production: This 8-page script is very inexpensive to produce. Only two actors, two rooms,a street with a taxi and a voice on the telephone. However, there are a few lines in Italian (subtitled). Of course, I can provide the Italian version. - pdf, format
Fausto, this is what I call a 1,2,3,4, linear story. Your femme fatale arrives, does the deed with unsuspecting gullible guy, they discuss (rather incongruously their further plans) and then she poisons him. She could have poisoned him the night before by putting something in his coffee.
I don't mean to be harsh but as a 'short' I don't think this has enough of a story with payoff/surprise/twist.
Concetta spits on him in the final scene with disgust which seemed like overkill imh, and the reason for that is there's no apparent justification we see in the actual story for that, except that Vito isn't liked.
Is it wise to name your character Vito? I immediately think of Corleone.
Few technicalities. Quite a few NESB errors.
And I'm wondering if perhaps more of the story is getting a little lost in the translation?
No need for the brackets around your first description.
paces nervously (not pace) I know a couple of places...' (not place) Concetta bursts into laughter (not burst)
Men of my age are so immature (the 'of' is not needed)
leans into her body and kisses her on the lips
You still have those coloured hair should be:
you still got that crazy coloured hair or: is your hair still that crazy colour or: you still a bleached blonde?
It makes me look younger
Why the VOICE at the beginning. I understand he's a mystery man identified only by his stutter, but there's no payoff for this, no reveal. The Voice returning at the end is not really a surprise.
Overall this comes off more as an intro to a longer story about a Mafioso family and an introduction to characters in a feature or series than a self contained short.
P.S. Intro the WOMAN as Concetta from the start.
A gorgeous woman, CONCETTA, brunette, late twenties, legs up to her armpits, exits the taxi.
Keep at it.
I only speak one language and even that one trips me up now and again.
Jake Jon from NJ...I'm from NJ too. Thank you for your read. Vito's character has been inspired by Donald Trump (everything is great, terrific, amazing etc.)
Concetta caresses his hair. CONCETTA You've beautiful hair. VITO They are amazing...aren't they? CONCETTA Yeah, ...you're amazing too, the pill you took did miracles. VITO Just an energy vitamin.....
Maybe like this is better: CONCETTA I love the color of your hair. VITO It's amazing...isn't it? CONCETTA Yeah, ...you're amazing too, the pill you took did miracles. VITO Just an energy vitamin... Thanks again. Fausto . "
This one doesn't twist or jag or anything. The killer arrives, and it's pretty much what we would expect. there's some gratuitous sex and then she kills him? Might be more telling if she substituted a poison pill for the ones he uses for sex. That would be ironic.
If you want to have a seduction scene, you might consider seduction. She's hardly a knockout. She speaks halting English. But he is such a pig not even her homely looks deter him. In fact, you could have him teach her English--by sex terms. What a way to show what a pig he is.
In any case, take us down a path that looks all roses and turns into thorns.
Richard, thank you for your review. I'll try to dissect the story:
Vito is getting old and more and more erratic. His behavior is not approved by the Mafia families in the USA and by the big boss in Italy. The "capo" sends a killer-for-hire (the woman) to kill Vito. Vito asks a lot of questions and, to appease him, the woman (Concetta) accepts to make love with him. Then, after she's sure that Vito is OK with her visit, she kills him, as by her contract with the boss in Italy. I have modified the script to present more clearly the story. Note, sex here is very marginal....he's a pig and Concetta agrees to make love to assure him that he could trust her. After all, the mobster is smart and knows if something "strange" is going on. Thanks again, Fausto