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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  Repentance
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  Author    Repentance  (currently 852 views)
Don
Posted: November 27th, 2016, 9:20am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Repentance by Fausto Lucignani - Short, Drama, Inspirational - While walking the streets, a young, terminally ill prostitute experiences a spiritual event. 8 pages  - pdf, format

production: This is the story of Roma, a young prostitute affected by terminal breast cancer. Forced to walk the streets by Boris a pitiless pimp, one night she meets an elegant, middle aged man who offers her the way to deliverance. (Revised Script)

contest: This short inspirational drama has a low production cost with a high emotional impact.

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  November 30th, 2016, 5:37pm
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eldave1
Posted: November 27th, 2016, 11:53am Report to Moderator
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Not a bad effort here. My thoughts:


Quoted Text
ELEGANT MAN
Okay.


I think you need something other than the repeated okays. It is kind of blah vocabulary for an elegant man and in stark contrast to the dialogue later. Maybe ' "as you wish." or something.


Quoted Text
ELEGANT MAN
You have to repent of your sins and
pray God.


pray to God

I don't think you need Man # 1 and Man # 2. I would go with a single pimp and maybe have a ominous conversation with Roma and the pimp in the car about her duties before she is released to the street.

Best of luck with this


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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AmbitionIsKey
Posted: November 27th, 2016, 12:10pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Fausto, I have to say I thought this was good! Interesting ideas at play.

I agree with Dave on this one regarding Man #1 and Man #2, the characters just seem to be kind of expositional and the fact that they don't have actual names tells me they're not very important. As Dave said, I would make it a single pimp, maybe a scene where Roma and him speak etc. It also means that if someone was every interested in filming this there's one less character to cast.

Also I feel like having something like breast cancer, or cancer of any kind for that matter, is very personal. Emotional. In my opinion I feel like Roma's reactions are unrealistic when the Elegant Man says she knows she has terminal breast cancer. This man is a stranger, a stranger whom she assumes is wanting to have sex with her. Wouldn't she be angry, more upset? Her reaction later on - "who are you?! Just tell me?!l" - I would have expected something like this earlier.

Good job though with this, I enjoyed it a lot

Curtis


"No matter what you do, your job is to tell your story..."

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(6 pages, drama/thriller)

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AmbitionIsKey  -  November 27th, 2016, 12:28pm
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Fausto
Posted: November 27th, 2016, 12:34pm Report to Moderator
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E1 & AIK, first of all, thank you very much for your reading and suggestions! They make a lot of sense and I'll start working on rewriting immediately. I like the idea of one pimp....with a name.
To E1, I repeated "Okay" to emphasize that the Elegant Man did not really care about sex etc. he just wanted to be alone with Roma for her soul. But I see your point, "Okay" can be expressed in various ways.
I'm glad you liked the story.
Have a great week.
Fausto
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Gary Manson
Posted: November 27th, 2016, 12:55pm Report to Moderator
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Hi, Fausto, I thought this was excellent and read well. I have to agree with Dave, and Curtis, regarding man 1 and man 2. Also, I believe there is a typo.

(You're right, a few hundreds will pay
for the rent.)

Don't know if that should be HUNDRED?

Nice job

Gary
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Fausto
Posted: November 27th, 2016, 3:06pm Report to Moderator
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Gary,
thank you for your analysis. Regarding "hundred" or "hundreds" I believe that this is the rule "a few hundred dollars" or  "two hundred dollars" but "hundreds" in "a few hundreds."
I'll will eliminate the second man.
Thanks again.
My best,
Fausto
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RichardR
Posted: November 29th, 2016, 12:42pm Report to Moderator
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Some notes.

I think others have pointed out the opening and the two guys who do the info dump.  Doesn't seem to work.  Why not put the woman and pimp together before he drops her off at the corner?  Same or similar info.  If you can keep the malady vague, then the audience will follow along to find out what she has.

You might consider making the black man more difficult to suss out.  If he looks more like a John than a messiah, then you lead the audience down the wrong path until you do the reveal.  You might consider having her strip in order to symbolically show her putting away her sins.  And he can put her on her knees in front of him.  And he can lay hands on her head, and the audience is thinking oral sex, but it's not that.  It's absolution.

It's only then that you do the reveal.  He's here to save her--and all the rest of us--including the pimp.

Best
Richard
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Fausto
Posted: November 29th, 2016, 3:19pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Richard,
I made some changes to the script. I think it will be on the board soon. I made one pimp and added some dialogue between the pimp and Roma. I've also improved the messiah's dialogue.
Thank you very much for your valuable feedback.
My best,
Fausto
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