Xmas by Michael Telford - Short, Dramedy - {no logline} 14 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hey, Michael. Opened this up. There are some issues right out of the block:

Quoted Text EXT. SUBURBAN STREET - DAY It’s Christmas day. Two cars are pulling into a driveway of a small one story house.

There is no way to film "It's Christmas Day" (referred to as an unfilmable). Either use a SUPER in the scene: e.g.,

SUPER: CHRISTMAS DAY

Or ignore it all together (my choice) since it will become obvious in the script.

Write in active voice (i.e, Two cars pull - rather than - Two cars are pulling

I think you are better off with EXT. RESIDENTIAL HOME is the slug rather than street since that is really where you are at. Also - I would set up the house description before the car pulls in - easier to see. Also - n need for the we sees or the we hear - just show us. So - altogether, it would be something like:

EXT.  RESIDENTIAL HOME - DAY

A small a one story house covered in Christmas
decorations. On the  front lawn -  plastic reindeers and
two large Snowman.

Two cars pull into the driveway.

Quoted Text Two lots of families get out of both cars. One family includes a man, a woman, and two girls. The other family includes a man, a woman, and one girl. Both families are caring with them bags of presents along with wrapped-up cold food.

Carrying - not caring.

Also - should be - both families carry bags of presents...  (i.e., rather than are carrying)

You don't need all the CUT TOs

Quoted Text INT. SHED - DAY (CONTINUOUS) We see a WOMAN painting inside a large shed. Her back is facing towards us as she’s painting a portrait whilst singing a Christmas tune.

Same issue - not we see a woman - better as "a WOMAN paints

Also - you don't need to say she is inside the shed - that is already in your scene heading

Not - her back is facing toward us as she's painting.. - instead - her back faces

Overall - this should simple be

A WOMAN (age), with her back to the door, sings a Christmas tune as she paints a portrait of....

and that is it.

Hope this helps - take a look at a few scripts for style/format etc - I think it will help. Best of luck

Some notes.

There are multiple with this one.  The writing is generally substandard.  Simple mistakes mark it as a beginner's work.  The dialogue is stilted and on the nose.  The story, well, the story doesn't matter because the reader can't get past the problems.  

I suggest you read and study some good scripts and learn how to format and how to write revealing dialogue.

Best
Richard

Like previous replies, there is a lot of formatting errors.

Dialogue is a little on-the-nose and unnatural is some parts. I think you could cut out a lot of fluff and shorten the script by a few pages.

Descriptions need work and introduction of characters is not done correctly.

I don't think you need (continued) on every page either, and the CUT To's are a bit many.

As far as the story goes...

I really liked the hook. When he sees the photos in the envelope it really turns the tone of the story. Definitely got my attention...but it took to long to get there. You can get us there earlier by cutting some of the dialogue and cleaning up some of the descriptions.

The middle drags on again...most of the events is fluff. There is no further conflict or obstacles added. Its just Jim is upset and Martin keeps smiling at him...there are no events that drive the story, no decisions or choices made.

One obstacle you can add is possibly Jim trying to get Martin alone to talk to him, but the family keep getting in the way. This would help get to the ending where he finally gets Martin alone before the final twist.

I liked the twist at the end...but I don't believe it should be the ending. I think there are unanswered questions and you could probably add more to the story. When I read it I was thinking " ok...now what.....Jims photos can still be shown to his wife and he would still be royally fucked!" If you wanted to leave it there...maybe before you reveal the person is Martin, you could write:

Jim opens his mouth in awe. He pulls his phone out of his pocket and takes a photo. Jim then smiles and his shoulders relax. We now see the woman in the shed is Martin.

This way it suggests that Martin would benefit from keeping his mouth shut!


Hope this helps. Good possibilities but need more work on the format of your writing.

Good Luck