Three Thousand Miles by Lance Baysic - Short, Drama - Raymart, a senior in high school, must make a crucial decision whether or not he must take the scholarship from a university in Boston. 9 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

A few notes:

1) Raymart?  That's a dumb name and almost took me out of the story immediately.  I get that there are people in real life named Raymart (probably), but don't use it here.

2) Ages of the characters shouldn't be so exact, except maybe Raymart because he just graduated, so it makes sense that he's 18.  Otherwise, it should be "Jeanne, early thirties" or "Nora, mid fifties".

3) Some of the dialogue was a bit expositional and unbelievable:

"Dad was still alive and mom wasn�t in prison yet"
"I should be out in two, three months now. Then we�ll all be together."
"I thank you so much for taking care of me. You were there when I needed you the most. I owe you a lot sis"

Those are just some, and that doesn't sound like the way real people talk.  I get that you have to get this info out for the audience, but these characters already know this stuff, so they shouldn't be saying it like that.

On that note, nobody calls their siblings bro and sis...

4) "Jeanne is controlling the steering wheel of the car"  You mean she's driving?

5) You don't need to put "continued" at the bottom and top of each page.  

6) There are a few grammatical errors."in case you changes your mind"

7) Who the hell is Gil? (I get by context that Gil is his dad, but you can't just spring a character into the dialogue without introducing him properly. I actually had to go back and look to see if you included his name on the headstone.  You did, but since you haven't mentioned him since, people that are reading this are going to be confused.  Plus, the audience isn't going to get the benefit of having his name next to the dialogue, so it might be confusing.  I would suggest a flashback scene showing him saying this line.  In fact, little snippets of flashback for all of the VO's in that scene.  That would break up the monotony of watching a kid lie in bed and thinking.)

8 ) "Raymart stops, dumbstruck. For a moment he�s speechless"  This is redundant.

9) "Nora beams at him with pride"  How can you show that on screen?  Only include actions that can be seen.  Everything else will be interpreted by the actors and the director.

Overall, there is a good story in there somewhere, it just needs some real good polishing, particularly when it comes to dialogue.  

Keep up the good work and never stop writing!

Some notes.

The errors and mistakes have already been point out, so I won't pile on.  Needless to say, the work needs some editing.

The story works as far as it goes.  It needs additional focus and clarity.  And if you're going to make this tough for Raymart, then make it tough.  Sis relies on him for something vital.  Mom needs him too.  A girlfriend applies pressure.  His best friend can't believe Raymart can leave.  When life provides obstacles, provide obstacles.  The more weight you can put on his shoulders, the better.

Best
Richard

L,
I'm a fan of sentimentality in screenplays. I liked the direction your story was headed in and the ending was"sweet".

BUT, to elicit the tears of "Readers" or "Watchers" from a Short the characters'  "stakes" better be significant.  The "poles" of conflict have to be in rigid opposition and delivered pretty quickly.

You have a dad in the grave, who would be proud; a mom getting out of jail (after 10 years or so?) and a son with the chance to go to college,free, 3000 miles away and two close loving siblings.  Okay.  Some opposing stakes:

I guess Dad would have loved to see the family tight again.  Mom's getting out of jail, (she's dreamed about this). But,  poor Raymart is concerned over screwing everything up because of the scholarship.

This family is way too caring from the get go.  And  why is mom in jail?  Because she did drugs?  Nora is 54, old and weak?  She stands, starts jumping up and down?  My opinion, she should be knocking on heaven's door.  And Raymart should be headed for military service,  stationed somewhere dangerous where he could possibly die.

Maybe I've gone too far.  Sorry.  Your story is satisfying I just feel it needs a little more bite to get the tears dropping.  But in  the end, it's your story.

Regards,

JJ