The Oath by Ron Houghton - Short, Sci Fi, Fantasy - A comic book shop owner, caught in a moral dilemma, is faced with the consequences of his actions.  15 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

R,
"shlubbish" ??

That's cheating!   A One Word (?) character description and I'm hooked into the story.  Bravo!

Funny, Clever, Easy  to read.  And a pleasing  moral tone. YaY!  Double Yay!!

I didn't care but the "pure" may have a problem with "England's Crown Jewels - Titanic necklace" to adequately convey the value of #27.   Are you going to show the stuff or did you just write it to make sure the reader got it?

The FlBk Oath scene, pretty soupy, maybe overdone, none the less, a good set up scene.

I think, that some of your action items are a bit over stated maybe:
Pg 6
"Marcel stares at the prized issue" (Great!) but then, "Roses's question echoes in his head.....anything of value, value.  A sliver of time, and Marcel's entire value system is put to the test."  Ya know, ya don't need.   I think the audience is gonna get it anyway.  Most of your writing is "subtextually"  strong enough.

The BACK AREA, the JAPANESE GIRL all to get to the value discovery; $300,000.  Added to the suspense I guess and kind of interesting but it might be a question of whether it's necessary.  

The Tyler, Nathan 2, and Marcel confrontation/altercation was fast and furious; well done.  Nicely capped off with Marcel's poignant apology to Nathan 1.

I really wanted an "I'M BATMAN" before the "Hand it over"  Either in Keaton's voice or Bale's.  Nah,kidding.

The ending was predictable but perfect,  I thought.

Overall a Very Nice Effort.  All of Gotham City would be proud.

JJ

Hey Jake,
sorry for the late reply. Tis the season. Thanks for the kind comments.  I agree about the echo. I wasn't sure about it at the time I put it down, and you pointing that out, clinches it.

Thanks for your time

RJH

I liked this one - only two glitches for me.

Quoted Text A JAPANESE GIRL (19) Ebullient. Surrounded by a white, digital space. Dressed in chic white leather. She addresses the camera.

I don't think any of the stuff with the Japanese girl is needed. It slows the story down.

Couldn't get over why he wouldn't put the comic in the safe - why risk taking it home?

Other than that - a real nice job here.

Ron,

your logline reads bland here:

"A comic book shop owner, caught in a moral dilemma, is faced with the consequences of his actions. "

is more or less equal to

"A comic book shop owner has a problem."

… and says as good as nothing. It's just vacuous rhetoric. Don't tell what's unspecific, rather what is specific about your story, what's the character of the story, heart and soul…

P1 the "we" is directing here. There's simply a store and the director will decide how the dp sets the picture.

P2 check the bottom margin,,, also the dialogue at this place is far too long. You already established that her father collected too much stuff and all that. Cut some there if you like, move the story forward, don't bore, get in conflict… quicker

Yeah, those following passages till p 6 read much more interesting.

Okay, I think the whole comic topic itself and especially the way you present it here (very good) appeals to a huge audience of geeks. I believe they would enjoy such a short film.

The wrong margins should definitely be fixed.

You got a nice 3rd act twist, I think, that comes across playful and pretty atmospheric. We know it's the Dark Knight but don't see him… cool stuff.

Try to hook us better: Logline and first two pages should be stronger.

All in all, this should work imo. Good concept. Especially cool Act 2 and 3...
Good script, man.

@ a comic related title could help reach your target audience.