All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Unlucky by Peter Brownlow - Comedy - Steph has the worst luck when it comes to men. And a country retreat proves to have her heart and stomach in conflict. But her idea of change leads to yet another relationship disaster. 43 pages - pdf, format
1. I loved the opening scene with the changing sky as the mood deteriorates - perfect.
2. Descriptive passages are too long - break them up into smaller bite sized chunks (you really do lose a reader around 4 lines - they start skimming. e.g., this:
Quoted Text
Tilt down to STEPHANIE WILKES, a MID 20’s female - the typical “girl next door” and unlucky in love, stands in the downpour at the entrance to a pier, she has no coat, no umbrella and is soaking wet. The pier is empty of any other people. There is a flash of lightning and a rumble of thunder, STEPH looks up at the dark clouds, the rain splashes her face. DAMIEN UNDERHILL, late 20’s male, thin and weedy his black hair plastered to his forehead by the rain - a possible relative of “Norman Bates”, appears at her side equally wet.
Needs some trimming and needs to be broken up.
You also have an unfilmable - (unlucky in love) - your choice - but really no way to shoot that and some inefficiencies (e.g., you don't need to see she is a female - we know). I'd also lose the camera directions. Something like:
EXT. SEASIDE PIER - DAY
Pouring rain. No one there except for STEPHANIE WILKES, (mid 20’s), typical “girl next door” standing in the downpour at the entrance to a pier. She has no coat, no umbrella and is soaking wet.
A flash of lightning and the rumble of thunder draws Steph's attention to the dark clouds. The rain splashes her face.
DAMIEN UNDERHILL, late 20’s male, thin and weedy his black hair plastered to his forehead by the rain - a possible relative of “Norman Bates”, appears at her side equally wet.
The point being - bit size chunks make the read easier - less dense.
We spend the opening getting some help for the dog, and then the dog disappears.
And that has nothing to do with the spa experience which is a very long-winded way to put steph and scott together. Sorry, it just doesn't work for me. You might look at other scripts and see how they avoid passive voice.