Unkept Lifestyle by James Brown Jr. - Short, Drama - After retiring, modest husband turns to crime and crosses a notorious mob boss to maintain his wife's lavish lifestyle. 12 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Issue out of the shoot.

Quoted Text INT. 5 STAR HOTEL

Need Day or Night in slugs.

Narrow this down a bit - (e.g., BANQUET ROOM)

Large party seated at banquet tables.

Quoted Text WALTER AND JULIE PIRTLE sitting at the head table with Mr. Foreach.

Mr. Foreach should be capped - first time intro'd.

MR. Foreach approaches the podium with mic in hand.

Quoted Text BOSS FOREACH Congratulations Walter on a job well done.

Is he Mister or Boss?

Walter, an unassuming graying guy smiles modestly.

Quoted Text FOREACH Walter was responsible for our Sky Solutions being number 1 for the third year in a row. And now I present the newly promoted, Walter.

Is he mister, Boss or just Foreach?

This needs cleaning up.

James,
first revision: Sluglines...they are all over the place. Very confusing.
Then, make the story clearer.
A complete revision is necessary.
The premise is good. Work on it.
My best,
Fausto

Some notes.

This one has issues from the start.  Slug lines are not uniform.  There are some English errors.  The story line is well worn.  Why would a man deeply in debt opt for retirement?  He might be forced out, but retirement shouldn't be an option.  And the ending seems contrived.  I suggest you read some scripts and study them for how they weave a compelling story.

best
Richard

Thank you for ur input. However, his financial issues started after retirement, but he continued to try to appease his wife with herl lavish lifestyle.

I quite like the title and the logline. Simple but intriguing. I actually misread the title as 'Unkempt lifestyles'!

A few lines into reading I got annoyed - why is Forearch also called Mr and Boss? That's confusing, better pick one title and stick to it. Also his name should be capitalised the first time you mention him.
On page 3 Walter says that he works, eats and sleeps... I thought he just retired so why would he work?
Page 5  The car is filled with cans. I immidiatelly envisaged cans filled with petrol. It's good to state right at the beginning that they are empty, probably crushed drink cans for recycling.

The typos and errors are annoying, please read it a few times before submitting in the future.

Second half of the story was much better. I got into it, liked the twist with Walter collecting cans. I finally discovered it's a COMEDY! The ending has a good morale, the proper bad guys got caught. Julie's attitude got better, she's changed, that's what you usually want at the end of a story.