Don't Love Me Like That by Kirsten James - Short, Thriller - A father and son fall for the same young woman. When the truth is exposed the consequences become dire. 12 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Kirsten - what's with the shading on this?

There is a typo in your first line - breathtakling

Kirsten, great title. Great logline as well - at least for me. I just love this kind of stuff.

I was a bit taken by Janey's description as breathtakingly beautiful while she's sitting in dirt and got a tape over her mouth! Maybe instead you can describe her thick long hair and deep blue eyes etc.

Also on page one sometimes it's not clear who is HE and SHE, because you have two men and two women in that scene in the lounge. For example
He takes Janey's hand...  
I would write Josh's father takes Janey's hand...      That way you don't confuse the reader.

I'm not sure about all the flashbacks. I understand the start is far more interesting when you start with Janey being tied up, we're straight in a thrilling situation. But I found it a little messy and confusing.

Overall it's a quite interesting piece but I would like to know more about the characters, for example how come Josh's father is such a cruel man. Such a short script doesn't give you an opportunity to develop the characters very well, they come across as a little shallow. There's too much happening for a 13-page script. You could expand it and make it into a feature?

One more small thing that I noticed: towards the end, all of a sudden Josh calls his father Antonio, which is quite unexpected. Would be better is he simply said 'Bye, Father.' We don't need to know his name. Or call him Antonio from the beginning.

I hope you perservere and expand it!

Hey Dave, yep that's embarassing .....anyway with the shading, I wrote this on my Samsung tablet and the programme is obviously crap....lol....I didn't realise it did this..... what a pain...!

Quoted from Kirsten Hey Dave, yep that's embarassing .....anyway with the shading, I wrote this on my Samsung tablet and the programme is obviously crap....lol....I didn't realise it did this..... what a pain...!

That's a shame - you would think they would fix that. Good luck with it.

Hi Marcela

Thanks heaps for the read and comments! Especially since it is a little difficult on the eyes....I might get it deleted and re posted...
Yes I had difficulty with describing Janey.  I felt if I described her looks I would be biased, like I think thats attractive but some wouldn't. And I know some directors dont need a huge description of a characters looks in some cases as it opens up actress/actor possibilities. I think I was trying to get the point across through the story that she was angelic/irrisistable. This is tricky and i still need to keep working on it.

I see what you mean about the He/She confusion....

The flashbacks are tricky, they tell alot of the story. I could afford to loose the one where hes watching her. Hopefully I conveyed it well enough on their first meeting that he had become instantly infatuated...

I did think it was a very loaded short, and did wonder about making it a feature, definately something to look into. I tbrew his name in at the end for effect but will see about that too...

Thanks again for the read, im off now to read yours..... And im glad you liked the logline and name...that means alot...

When I talked about flashbacks being confusing, I meant maybe you could get rid of them, make the whole script just one linear timeline or whatever it's called. Start with the scene where the son brings Janey to the parents house. Once his father starts to be overkeen on Janey, which can happen pretty much instentaneously, hopefully the readers will be hooked.

Hi Marcela

Yeah I'm definately going to extend this, so I wont use those flash backs. Thanks again for the feedback!

Some notes.

There are a number of English errors in this work.  It needs a good editing.  But you explained it was written in a fashion that didn't lend itself to error correction.  Enough said.

The story is not a new one, but it is fairly rendered.  The flashbacks work for me.  The father predator, the son's gorgeous girlfriend.  I kind of wished you had twisted it in some fashion.  Dad never raped her.  she raped him.  She's lying to save her life.  A bit of misdirection would work wonders.  I do like mum showing up to kill off her husband.  A bit or irony there.

Best
Richard

Hi Richard,

thanks for the read and pointers. Yes good idea with the rape twist. I did at one point think of making her a liar and it be true her and the dad were at it, but i thought it might be too easy to figure out. But her raping him not so easy! This was one of those ones that told itself as I wrote it. And of course at the end I had to have someone who was mostly out of the picture to open that door and be the twist...And who best but the suffering wife....
The main idea around this was that Janey is one of those souls thats too beautiful to exist, people around her break themselves over her and take her with them. But I think it needs to be told with different less obviously screwed up characters. Normal people breaking themselves might be more effective.

Kirsten,

If you want to read something about a woman who is virtually irresistible, read THE GREAT GATSBY by F. Scott Fitzgerald--if you haven't read it already.  Daisy is precisely a woman that every man wants.

Best
Richard

Thanks Richard, I haven't read it, I shall take a look.....

Besides what everyone else already mentioned, masking tape would not work if you're trying to restrain someone because it's essentially just sticky paper. You need duct tape and those fabulously strong little fibers that really snug down someone's limbs.

Hi Steven, I just noticed your post... yes, my mistake, masking tape and duct tape in my mind were the same thing duh...... I was meaning duct tape..thanks for pointing that out...