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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Thriller Scripts  ›  The Endless Road Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: January 15th, 2017, 1:19pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Endless Road by Maxim - Thriller, Noir, Action - In search for answers for timeless questions, a young rebellious man makes his getaway on a mystical road that quickly turns into his biggest nightmare. - pdf, format

New writer interested in feedback on this work


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Bold
Posted: January 16th, 2017, 3:19pm Report to Moderator
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Maxim,

I read about the first 20 pages, and the single biggest issue is that half of those pages are narration.  This is entirely too much.  No audience wants to watch a guy driving, narrating, and listening to radio for 10 minutes straight (he must be listening to satellite radio, because nobody on broadcast radio uses profanity like that).

You have to show, don't tell.

Like when Frank is telling Mick how he quit/got fired.  He shouldn't be telling Mick, the audience should be watching Frank quitting.

Show, don't tell.

Your narration is a lot of philosophical/existential noodling, it doesn't really go anywhere.  If you're going to use narration, it needs to advance the plot or build the character.  Narration should always be used sparingly.  Take a look at something like:

Murder, My Sweet (1944)
Sunset Boulevard (1950)

You need to pull in the audience with an inciting incident that is compelling:  A murder, a betrayal, an intriguing discovery.  Take a look at the opening scenes for:

The Killers (1946)
D.O.A. (1950)
The Big Heat (1953)

Each of these are excellent examples noir films with cool openings that hook the audience and reel them in.  Consider using Frank's quitting as the opening scene.

If he's going to narrate, have him narrate around the subject.  For example: He's been given an impossible choice.  The audience doesn't know what it is yet, but he alludes to it during the narration.  It's the source of his existential crisis.  It's what causes him to quit.  NOW the audience wants to know more.

You have some good lines that are noir-worthy:



"thinking is a very nasty habit"


"And that's how I ended up on this unfamiliar road with this oh so familiar bottle in my hand."

Try tweaking this one a little like:

"So there I was: on an unfamiliar road with a familiar bottle in my hand."


"He was really angry and I was very happy to see him like that"

Try tweaking this one a little like:

"That made him angry, and it made me happy to see him like that."



These seem like pointless adjustments, but trust me, as somebody who has watched countless noir films, they'll work better.

But you really need to strip away most of the narration.  It's painful to do, and you hate to see it go, but it needs to be done.

Less is more.  Show, don't tell.

As a big fan of film noir (the subject of several of my college papers & two short films, in fact), I hope you dig deeper, watch some more classic noir, and come back to The Endless Road with fresh ideas on how to draw the audience into the story.  Don't make them wait 10 or 15 pages to do it.

Best of luck, keep on writing!
|.  .  |  .|


Bold on IMDB



Æternum "Reasons Unknown" (Pilot) • Thriller, Horror, Sci-Fi • 58 Pages

I will reciprocate feedback!

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Bold  -  January 17th, 2017, 12:29pm
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Franz
Posted: January 20th, 2017, 11:45am Report to Moderator
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Thank you for your feedback! You won't believe this, but I've posted my script last summer and no one ever bothered to comment on it. Now I understand what you're trying to say and I will work on it, but I just want to make some things clear. What do you mean by narration? Do I need to do less monologues? Also, the "philosophical/existential noodling", I knew it was a huge mistake, but I was severely depressed during that time, do you think it's acceptable to keep these ideas or should I just strip them to the minimum? And have you read any further, for example, the motel scene, when the action basically starts. What do you think?
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eldave1
Posted: January 20th, 2017, 12:59pm Report to Moderator
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I had the same reaction as Chris. You start out with 13 pages of V.O. A lot of it meandering and unfocused. It's as if you want us to understand every synapse in Frank's brain in the first 15 pages rather than developing the important ones over the length of the story.

As an example, you spend 3+ pages on Frank's displeasure with the radio and end with another VO:

IMO - you could have condensed this to a half page. Something akin to:  

Frank turns of the radio - HIP HOP fills the car. A quick press of the tuner button - STATIC. Another press - COUNTRY MUSIC. Another press - CLASSIC ROCK. Another press - STATIC

Frank reaches over and finds a compilation CD in the mess and inserts the disc in the player. His face turns peaceful, in stark contrast to the  dynamic, energetic, 90s PUNK song now playing.

To me - that's enough - I get it - Frank hates what's on the radio and oddly finds solace in Punk. But then you add the VO


Quoted Text
FRANK (V.O.)
Usually after a couple of minutes
all songs begin to sound the same,
it feels like you’re just hearing
one painfully long, bad song
divided into countless parts. This
revolting sound begins to drone on
you just like the thud of wheelsets
hammering down the tracks on a
subway.
(beat)
After spending hours under the
ground all people you see become
vague in their form. Every new
stranger that enters seems like
someone you have already seen a
couple of rides before.


First - the premise is a bit off. All songs start to sound the same just like people - but in your action before that you had extensive bits on talk shows (i.e., not songs). So, assuming we just keep it to songs --

IMO - not needed at all. I mean, it has an interesting theme, but is that how one really talks to themselves in their mind?  You are using the VO as a way for us to catch up on Frank's mental and emotional journey and it's way over the top. If you think it's needed. Keep it simple. e.g.,

"Songs are like people. After awhile, they all sound the same. They all become uninteresting."

And move on. But again, I don't think you need the VO at all.

Franz: Obviously, I don't know you. But after reading the first 20 pages, I think you have a ton of beautiful, painful, spiritual, elegant, blunt, etc. thoughts buried in your head. That is a gift and will help your writing. What you need to avoid as trying to cram all of those in a character's head and therefore in ours in the first 20 pages. Let us learn who this guy is through his interactions with others. through his observations of events, through his dialogue, over the course of your story.

Hope this helps. I think definitely think you should write. There is a voice there.



My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Franz
Posted: January 21st, 2017, 7:46am Report to Moderator
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Thank you! I see where you're coming from, there is a lot of narration in the character's head and it just keeps going right from the start. But I think the problem here was my original idea. The basic premise is that Frank is the only character that matters in this story, so I had to trap him on his road with his own thoughts. Do you think that this is an idea that just doesn't work? Because once I started writing I found it so hard to both write proper dialogues between Frank and Mick, so the narration kind of helped me, but now I see that it was too much, but I don't know how to build a story in a way that there's a proper amount of character interaction with others and his own head.

And yes, please, tell me what do you think about the second half of the script. It's very important for me to know if I should keep the action after Frank loses all connection with the world.
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