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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  A Night of Violence Moderators: bert
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  Author    A Night of Violence  (currently 1400 views)
Don
Posted: January 22nd, 2017, 4:16pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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A Night of Violence by Steven Wood - Short, Horror, Western - Every summer, residents of this small town must endure 12 hours of vengeful cowboys that strive to retake what's theirs. 10 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Zack
Posted: January 22nd, 2017, 4:47pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Steven,

You already know my thoughts on this, but I'd thought I'd share them with everyone else.

This is a well written script with a VERY neat premise. I really love the idea behind this.

I do have two problems with it. One, there simply isn't enough time to get to know any of these characters. I know this is a short, but honestly this needs to be a feature. Two, it's not campy enough. It's such an absurd premise and I feel like you are taking it way to seriously. Have fun with it. Acknowledge how silly it is. I really think it would work much better.

As it is now I'm kind of blah about it. Cool premise, but I feel like the tone is all wrong. Of course this is just my opinion. The end reveal of a third party was pretty cool though. Hope you do more with this.

~Zack~
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Steven
Posted: January 22nd, 2017, 5:20pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks. I'm gonna go ahead and worko on the feature but polish this at the same time. Check out my other short titled New Life in the sci-fi short section.
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kingcooky555
Posted: January 30th, 2017, 8:57pm Report to Moderator
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The good: You avoid 4 line blocs so it's easy to follow.

The con: the first page is jarring. This doesn't do anything for me:

EXT. WINTERHAVEN, CALIFORNIA - NIGHT
There are no vehicles on the road, no public transit.
Absolutely no movement.

I have no idea what is winterhaven. EXT. EMPTY BACK ROAD - NIGHT would have worked better or something similar.
Then you follow up with a bar, and the description makes me think of "From Dusk Till Dawn" type of bar.

Then the "Residential Street" - which made me think of a Long Island suburb. Maybe, it's just me but I found your first three scene headings to be disorienting.

Good luck with this - re-writing is writing.
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RichardR
Posted: February 4th, 2017, 11:49am Report to Moderator
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Some notes.

I have some issues with the idea--although I like the idea.  Saying it could happen any night during a certain time of year means these people have to gear up nightly for what, a month?  Doesn't seem likely.  If you make it the first new moon in August, well, you have something.  Tie it to some other sign, and well, the people prepare.  

I'm not sure what happens if the cowboys take the town.  do they destroy it?  Do they shoot it up?  What  happens if the inhabitants leave for 12 hours?  You might have a more unnerving story if the two hit men come into town as everyone else is leaving.  Then, they're on their own against the cowboys.  Maybe have the sheriff help.

If it happens every year, I can't see where it could stay hidden.  I imagine National Geographic would be there in force to record the onslaught.  

I can see how the town would get used to this.  The cowboys come into town, swill down the liquor, shoot up the place, and try to rob the bank.  Some damage but nothing too troubling.  And I can see a couple of outsiders getting caught.  oops.  And the Indians at the end is a nice touch.  

In any case, I think you should start the story much closer to the event.  Start with these two hunting down their prey, not finding it, and running into the sheriff.  The meat of this story is the battle, so give us a battle, not just a gunfight.

Best
Richard
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Steven
Posted: February 7th, 2017, 10:00am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from RichardR
Some notes.

I have some issues with the idea--although I like the idea.  Saying it could happen any night during a certain time of year means these people have to gear up nightly for what, a month?  Doesn't seem likely.  If you make it the first new moon in August, well, you have something.  Tie it to some other sign, and well, the people prepare.  

I'm not sure what happens if the cowboys take the town.  do they destroy it?  Do they shoot it up?  What  happens if the inhabitants leave for 12 hours?  You might have a more unnerving story if the two hit men come into town as everyone else is leaving.  Then, they're on their own against the cowboys.  Maybe have the sheriff help.

If it happens every year, I can't see where it could stay hidden.  I imagine National Geographic would be there in force to record the onslaught.  

I can see how the town would get used to this.  The cowboys come into town, swill down the liquor, shoot up the place, and try to rob the bank.  Some damage but nothing too troubling.  And I can see a couple of outsiders getting caught.  oops.  And the Indians at the end is a nice touch.  

In any case, I think you should start the story much closer to the event.  Start with these two hunting down their prey, not finding it, and running into the sheriff.  The meat of this story is the battle, so give us a battle, not just a gunfight.

Best
Richard

Thanks for checking it out.

I wanted this to be somewhat absurd, and fun since I haven't done anything like that.

I like what you're saying about showing everyone leaving town (except for the local police). Or the ghosts could just be there because it's what they remember, and they aren't violent just to be violent, but only if provoked. So these two newcomers would probably provoke them.

Also, I think I got the point across that the man at the end, who walks into the bar is a sheriff from the old western days. I could have said his name was Wyatt Earp, but I wanted to stick with someone who actually existed in that part of the country.

You're right, the focus is on the overnight battle (which is only a battle because of the two newcomers). It will be revealed that there was confusion the first time they came, sometimes violence, then they learned that the cowboy ghosts just wanted to walk their old stomping grounds and do what they used to do.

This is another thing that's meant to be longer, but I haven't worked on it in a little while.
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