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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Drama Scripts  ›  The Forty-Year Quest
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  Author    The Forty-Year Quest  (currently 878 views)
Don
Posted: January 22nd, 2017, 4:18pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Forty-Year Quest by Fausto Lucignani - Short, Drama - After forty years, a bipolar-depressive man locates the priest who sexually abused him. 8 pages - pdf, format

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KHV
Posted: January 22nd, 2017, 9:28pm Report to Moderator
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I was attracted this short because it concerned mental health in a religious space. You were great at keeping all your action scenes short and straight to the point, leaving room for the actors to interpret. You could have added a little more toward the end of each scene. Every transition felt empty and sudden when it ends only on dialogue, particularly for this storyline. I liked the ending because it shows a strange, but expected discourse between a bipolar man as an anti-Christ murderer, yet still bows to the cross.  

While I liked the premise, the buildup to his final act felt out of place. There was no indication of murdering the priest except at the last second. Instead of getting the audience to empathize with your protagonist, Julius/Billy comes off as psychotic instead of a mentally ill victim of a sex crime. I suggest adding moments in between their meeting and first conversation, whether it's subtle or not, to get to the actual murder.
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Fausto
Posted: January 23rd, 2017, 7:54am Report to Moderator
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KHV,
you're perfectly right...the story needs a  more logical buildup..."I thought I had accomplished  "the audience to empathize with your protagonist" in the middle of the script when he tells the priest that he had suffered immensely after the abuse.   Evidently, it was not forceful enough. I'll work on this at the ending.
All my best and thanks again.
Fausto
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