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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2017 One Week Challenge  ›  Meeting The Other Woman - OWC - Sold - Filmed Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    Meeting The Other Woman - OWC - Sold - Filmed  (currently 3481 views)
Don
Posted: January 28th, 2017, 10:34am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Meeting The Other Woman by David Lamberson - Short, Drama - A wife discovers something important about her own life when she finally meets the other woman.  12 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work


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Sold. Script removed.


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Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  August 5th, 2019, 12:25pm
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: January 28th, 2017, 12:10pm Report to Moderator
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Meeting the other woman - drama

SPOILERS

The wife of a murder victim visits the killer on death row to find some peace about her life

This is quite wordy, we effectively hear all the story, but I quite liked it.

Two women meeting, a history and circumstance between them

The victim wanting to know some answers.

I presume the throwing away the pearls was to represent her moving on having found out the truth. In some ways I was expecting more of a twist, but it is what it is.

I think for this moment to have major dramatic effect there had to be discoveries on both sides and some major revelations.

But I did enjoy.


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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RichardR
Posted: January 28th, 2017, 12:57pm Report to Moderator
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I like this one.  It plays a bit worn because it's the same old, but you gave it a bit more life.  Often, people want to know more about some significant moment, and you provided that.  Good job.
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stevie
Posted: January 28th, 2017, 6:46pm Report to Moderator
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Wow, really liked this one!  It was pretty talky but it flowed and was broken up so I didn't skim!  you kind of got around the 'zero male' policy in the jail ok tohugh I'm sure there would be male officers around; they just happened to not be there for the scenes lol!

The best I've read so far. Great work!



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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: January 29th, 2017, 7:02am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Potential genres were action, comedy, horror, sci-fi, thriller, western, noir, sports and random(pick one of the other . No drama, so fails the challenge, in my eyes. I'm a stickler for the rules.
I like the concept.

Visually it's pretty dull, all taking place in just one environment, and largely in just one conversation. These things read better than they look on film, imho.

Like a lot of stories in the OWC, it's basically explaining a whole other story through dialogue. If filmed as is, it would subconsciously feel very constrained...Two people looking at each other through the glass is pretty claustrophobic.,but I get that you've had to adhere to the rules.


Outside of the challenge, I think it could be a stronger piece, showing more of their interactions with William.


All that being said, it was still a great read and very enjoyable.
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Grandma Bear
Posted: January 29th, 2017, 9:38am Report to Moderator
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First one I've read.

I got worried at first when I read about the orange-tinted...  

Anyway, I thought this one was great! Great drama that kept escalating. I have no suggestions for any changes. An A+ from me or is it an EXCELLENT this OWC?

My only beef with this would be the believability of Joan not knowing the details already. Seems to me she would've followed the trial pretty closely and would already know the things she asked Kimberly about.

Great job whoever you are.  


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Dreamscale
Posted: January 29th, 2017, 10:19am Report to Moderator
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Your opening passage isn't a complete thought, based on how you made it passive, which is a mistake.

"High powered lights from security towers FLASH on throwing light on the barren landscape surrounding the complex." - I had to read this line several times.  It's missing an important comma between "on" and "throwing" - as is, it has different meaning.

Joan's intro is way too late, as she should be intro'd when we first see her.

Why is there a comma between "female" and "STAFFER"? Makes no sense.

"PRISONER prisoner" - Huh?

Kimberly's intro is also way too late.  Just intro your characters when they first appear onscreen.  Why keep waiting?

Overall, this is good.  Well done, even.  Moving.

It's basically all dialogue and wouldn't play well in a filmed version, and I don't buy in to the setup, as there's no way a death row inmate wold be allowed to have a visitor minutes before she's going to be put to death.  And, just the nature of the exposition isn't really believable, but it works for some reason.

One of the better entries, but was drama one of the genres available?

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Abe from LA
Posted: January 29th, 2017, 6:27pm Report to Moderator
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My first read and a pretty good start.
I liked the story, the meeting and the ending pearl scene.
The setup and story could use tweaking.

I don't know anything about Texas law, but would the murder of a businessman warrant the death penalty?

Since everything in the story treats this as a high-profile crime, what if the husband was somebody of importance - a high-ranking politician or federal judge, for example?  Maybe Joan is an important figure, or the daughter of somebody prominent. This would give her greater access to a criminal only hours away from execution.

I do favor what others have suggested that Joan learn something more to Kimberly's relationship with the deceased.  Some dark secret perhaps.  But that might mean extending this into a bigger story. Something to thing about.

I'm not in favor of the VO announcements of the execution on the radio. Seems way too coincidental.  Maybe leave it as a VO, so that it provides information without the coincidence.
Perhaps Kimberly is the first woman executed in the state of Texas since ????  That would give it higher news value and immediacy.

Overall, a very good read. Writing was excellent. The story interesting. There's a lot here going your way.  Thanks for the entry.
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grademan
Posted: January 29th, 2017, 7:31pm Report to Moderator
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This was pretty damn good especially given the gender challenge in one week.This one shows good empathy for two women in this situation.
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irish eyes
Posted: January 29th, 2017, 9:16pm Report to Moderator
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There`s too much blood in my alcohol

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She peers in at a FEMALE PRISONER prisoner dressed... one prisoner too many

This was an excellent piece and very well written.

It was great dialogue back and forth, kept the tension and story moving.

The ending with Joan throwing the pearls out the window with a wry smile just summed up the justification.

Well done and one of my favs so far


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Conz
Posted: January 30th, 2017, 11:16am Report to Moderator
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Key plot elements spelled out in a radio/tv broadcast usually bugs me, but this is a short, with a week’s time limit, so I’ll let that slide.

As I read on, I actually wish you left the radio part out.  To hear this conversation and slowly let the story come out from it would have been so much better.

See then you have the bookend radio broadcast, and all I wonder is “which radio station is reporting this?”  I would have liked for that to remain unseen and unheard.  
Show Kimberly walking to her fate, then just cut away.

I guess the pearl drop signified closure, but she just found out her husband risked her life for her… eh, this is fine.

The dialogue and story are pretty engaging as they talk.  The descriptions are well done, but that damn radio…

It was good.


I'd list my "work" here, but I don't know how to hyperlink.  

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AnthonyCawood
Posted: January 30th, 2017, 4:14pm Report to Moderator
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Drama - that wasn't on the list... I'm out...


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: January 30th, 2017, 4:17pm Report to Moderator
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Only kidding...

I liked this one a lot, sure there's a typo or two and maybe it's a little dialogue heavy, BUT the characters work, their interplay is effective and it builds upon little revelations, good stuff.

Also love the final line - "They bounce in the air like fireflies." beautiful image.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Dreamscale
Posted: January 30th, 2017, 4:55pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from AnthonyCawood
Drama - that wasn't on the list... I'm out...


Was this indeed a genre or not?  If it's not, the script should not qualify, just like a script with 2 sexes in it doesn't, either.

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Cameron
Posted: January 30th, 2017, 5:31pm Report to Moderator
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I was a bit worried when I opened this one to find yet another script, stuffed to the rafters with dialogue, but I liked it!

The characters seemed real, the emotions raw, and it took a fairly simple premise and ran with it. The overall work was well crafted, no glaring typos or formatting issues, and I found myself caring about the characters.

Really good work,

Cam
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