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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2017 One Week Challenge  ›  Anita Blackman - OWC Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    Anita Blackman - OWC  (currently 2834 views)
Don
Posted: January 28th, 2017, 10:34am Report to Moderator
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Anita Blackman by Fiddler On The Hoof - Short, Comedy - Two women gear up for a fun day of horse riding, but a Wimpy's Knickerbocker Glory proves to be much more than they can handle. - pdf, format

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Dreamscale
Posted: January 28th, 2017, 2:50pm Report to Moderator
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Very, very poor way to start a scipt with 2 passages, but no Slug.  I honestly don't get it.  

Also, when using a SUPER, you want it after a Slug, not before it.

Comedy is subjective and British Comedy is extremely subjective.  I'm not British and I didn't find a single thing funny here.  I did find it very strange, and for the most part, completely senseless.

None of these ladies sounds like a lady to me.

I don't see any story here at all.

No clue where the insert picture is supposed to be from or mean.

No clue what the Roger Waters aside is supposed to mean, but if nothing else, the apostrophe in "Water's" is completely incorrect and again, completely senseless.

In terms of the challenge, you attempted comedy (and some may actually find it funny), and having only women here feels realistic, so good on that.
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Female Gaze
Posted: January 28th, 2017, 5:33pm Report to Moderator
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You should have just ended the script after the fart. (words I never thought I would say) Because that was actually very funny to me.

I did not really care about anything else after that. Nor, do I wanna know why you hated Ashley so much, gas and her period? It happens and I guess DUFF is still a thing.

While I was getting British I was not getting British comedy which was I guess the goal? When you do parody you gotta know the subject matter in and out. Cut this down and make everything before the fart matter.
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eldave1
Posted: January 29th, 2017, 11:23am Report to Moderator
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Was there an opening slug missing?

Rather than inserting the picture of Anita out of nowhere – maybe consider having one hang in the stable as part of the homage – it was kind of like being jerked out of the scene as is.

Sir Loyne – I liked this 

ASHLEY

Quoted Text
My Aunt Flo is here from Red Rocks!

Aunt Flo really has become worn, IMO – I wouldn’t use it.

Okay - really not mu cup of tea - fart and period jokes and a dead horse. Just didn't make me laugh. Of course, comedy is very subjective - someone others may find it funny.


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jayrex
Posted: January 29th, 2017, 2:52pm Report to Moderator
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This was like a comedy horror script.  Initially I thought this was going to be a 'Carry On' style script.  But that faded quickly.  The story felt forced and didn't feel like it flowed as well as it could have.  Like the others have mentioned, the opening slug is missing.

Overall I felt this one come have been better.


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MarkRenshaw
Posted: January 29th, 2017, 3:06pm Report to Moderator
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I don't know who Jan Brady is so this and other similar comments drew me out of the story. Whenever you write a script it is inadvisable to mention famous people in the action as it requires people to know who you are referring to, plus it can date a script.

I'm British and this seem like a gross stereotypical parody of upper class posh folk. It had it's funny moments, I did indeed laugh at the farting bit and liked they way you referred to it as fluff. I didn't find the period funny though, it seemed to take the farce to the extreme.  

With your action, be wary of telling the actor how to move. You tell them how to point how to tilt their head, it's all a bit too much detail that isn't really required.

You have a male in the script, not sure if that meets the criteria of the challenge but maybe I'm nitpicking.  I'd say it does meet the requirements as he's never properly introduced and doesn't have any dialogue so...yeah I'd say this does meet the requirements, and well done on that, but it's not my cup of Earl Grey tea.

-Mark


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CameronD
Posted: January 29th, 2017, 10:41pm Report to Moderator
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What are we fading into? No scene at all which is jarring.

Why am I picturing the Monty Python Crew dressed in drag during this one? There's some good gags among the absurdness. I've never heard a fart described as a fluff but then again I'm not English. The titular joke was actually pretty funny I thought. This was a bit crude, but not as bad as I was afraid it might be. I mean, I laughed a little here and there.

Decent.

Also too many pregnant pauses. Whatever that even means.


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khamanna
Posted: January 30th, 2017, 3:14am Report to Moderator
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I could appreciate all the humor around the names and the funny fart but there's not enough story for me.
I think they rush into believing they caused the death of the horse - that part could be rewritten perhaps.

Then they start digging the grave and something should happen - like the horse could come alive or something.

The Aunt Flo thing wasn't funny.

When the horse falls down - I think you better describe it laying down giving its final breaths or something.
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LC
Posted: January 30th, 2017, 6:40am Report to Moderator
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Knickerbocker Glory, hmm. If you'd said Cherry Bakewell or Eton Mess I would have got it. Some Brit stuff travels. Anyway, Google cures all. I  read above, Mark doesn't even get the reference to Jan Brady - Brady Bunch middle child, Mark - 'Marcia, Marcia, Marcia' was the pretty popular one.

Anyway, I digress.

This was so silly, so ridiculous it was almost funny, almost had me chuckle in spots. But really as an exercise in female dialogue it didn't float my boat. And who goes riding on just one shared horse? when there's three of them.

Over n out.


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Cameron
Posted: January 30th, 2017, 6:54am Report to Moderator
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Dear god, not sure about that one. Kinda felt like a skit rather than a script, and the humour wasn't there for me I'm afraid.

Also, even though I'm sure we can have a huge PC debate on what one should be able to write about, the Aunt Flo bit was just a fairly major step too far.

So it's got technical issues, the humour wasn't there and it felt like a comedy routine rather than script.

Not for me I'm afraid

Cam
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: January 30th, 2017, 1:21pm Report to Moderator
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Welcome to the difficulties of having to write a comedy for a OWC - usually a thankless task and I think the hardest genre to pull off.

Most comedy will be sketches, which I think is fine for a short, but it means they will come up against the horror/drama/thriller stories.

Technically there are quite a few issues here which should ideally need to be ironed out in advanced - the opening is particularly confusing.

Two woman arguing over what to do a with a dead horse has potential but like others seeping blood didn't make me laugh.

I think the visual humour could have been upped, but the concept has something about it.


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Female Gaze
Posted: January 30th, 2017, 1:32pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Cameron
Dear god, not sure about that one. Kinda felt like a skit rather than a script, and the humour wasn't there for me I'm afraid.

Also, even though I'm sure we can have a huge PC debate on what one should be able to write about, the Aunt Flo bit was just a fairly major step too far.

So it's got technical issues, the humour wasn't there and it felt like a comedy routine rather than script.

Not for me I'm afraid

Cam


Talking about periods is too far....but a psycho dissecting and eating her paramour that's cool lol

The Aunt flo thing is only an issue bc this isn't 1976...who even calls it that anymore? lol

And, if she did just get her period, hoping on that horse would do more good than harm. AmIright, ladies?

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SAC
Posted: January 30th, 2017, 1:50pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Female Gaze

And, if she did just get her period, hoping on that horse would do more good than harm. AmIright, ladies?


Oh my!


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Conz
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The title certainly tells me what genre this is.  The logline tells me… what the hell is that logline trying to tell me?  “A Wimpy’s Knickerbocker Glory?”  No clue.

Anita Blackman was a real person?  I thought for sure the title was a pun of “I need a black man.”  Is that the joke?  Who am I talking to?

Anyway, don’t need that insert-back to scene stuff.  

This Knickbocker Glory is messing with me.  Definitely a British thing that isn’t translating.  Don't assume people know obscure stuff like that.  It’s a drink?  Is Wimpy’s a pub?  Why not just mention it’s a drink in the logline instead of probably confusing everyone?  WHO am I talking to?!

Oh boy, fart jokes!

Sir Loyne Berger confirms the Anita Blackman pun, but I still wanna know if she was really a real person.  I refuse to google.

Literally beating a dead horse is a pretty funny visual, I’ll give you that.

“Aunt Flo” has gotta be one of the most overused jokes on the planet.

Also, there’s a reason I can really only think of 1 or 2 visual period jokes… they’re fuckin repulsive.

“I don’t have a bloody napkin.” – missed an easy riff there, but maybe just the mere mention is supposed to be a joke.

Where did Sir Loyne come from?  What is going on here?  Is he offscreen?  I’m confused.

Not my favorite.


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Female Gaze
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Quoted Text
Anita Blackman was a real person?  I thought for sure the title was a pun of “I need a black man.”  Is that the joke?


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