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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2017 One Week Challenge  ›  Don't Stop Believing - OWC Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    Don't Stop Believing - OWC  (currently 3879 views)
Don
Posted: January 28th, 2017, 10:36am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Don't Stop Believing by Anonymous - Short, Horror - It takes a child's innocence to believe in that of which seems unbelievable, but a child's innocence is exactly what Evil preys on. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Zack
Posted: January 28th, 2017, 12:28pm Report to Moderator
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This was a neat little story. Well written too. Plenty creepy enough, but I do feel like you could have ratcheted up the horror a notch or two.

Good job with the gender assignment as well, it didn't seem forced at all. You did mention the dad throughout, but as far as I can tell that's not against the rules.

My only complaint here would have to be the title. I feel like if you had more time you would have come up with a better one.

Either way, I liked this. I hope the rest of the scripts are as good as this one.

~Zack~
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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: January 28th, 2017, 12:32pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Quite a nice little dark fairy tale.

It felt too linear to be memorable. A kind of one paced drive to the end, with no twists or turns and no real emotional power.

After the OWC's over, I'd be tempted to put the father in, but make him argue with the mother all the time.

Then get it so that the toys tell the girl's they can make them all happy forever, and the little girl's lead the parents deliberately to Queenie. That would introduce a bit more power to it, imo.
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eldave1
Posted: January 28th, 2017, 5:12pm Report to Moderator
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I really didn't get this one at all.


Quoted Text
RABBIT (young female voice)
What's up, Doc? You're awful cute, yourself.

Really? You want us envisioning Bugs Bunny here?

Quoted Text
HANNAH
Daddy's coming over? You think Mommy and Daddy will sleep together?

She’s five years old and that’s the thought that crosses her mine????


Quoted Text
HANNAH BEAR CUB (young female voice)
Of course, we do, you silly rabbit.

So the Bear is familiar with the TRIX commercial too?

Quoted Text
RABBIT
She came to us last night, in the storm. She wants to meet you.

She just came last night and already there is peace and harmony?

Sorry - the story just didn't hit me and I thought the dialogue needed work. Format wise  - solid. No issues. Will give it another read later to see if I just missed something.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Dreamscale
Posted: January 28th, 2017, 10:26pm Report to Moderator
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Hmmm...a talking rabbit?  Are we in horror or pisser realm?

End of Page 1 - a call out to Heinlein's Puppet Masters? Let's see...

All the rabbit nods, reeks of Stevie's Bunnyman scripts, but this doesn't seem to come from an Aussie writer.

Page 5 - OK, there's the title.  Funny, cuz I hear Journey's classic right now!  HA!

Damn...and there's another rabbit ref with the silly rabbit from Trix cereal.  Really?

Page 7 - Ok, here we go now.  Maybe a bit slow to get to here, but I think I know where we're going now.  Let's see...

And a talking bear and deer...hmmm...well...Ok..I'm still here.

Queenie - a nod to gay/lesbo?  I don't know, but so far, I'm liking it.

OK...a few orphans, good writing, pretty good dialogue (kids actually seem like kids...and sisters), pretty good story, and pretty good horror, even.

I was wondering (worried) the Dad would show up and cancel out the challenge, but the writer handled it well.

It works.  Good effort.  I would have liked a little more and a little less, if that makes sense.  Strong entry.
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LC
Posted: January 29th, 2017, 7:28am Report to Moderator
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Nope, sorry.

Expectations were high with the title and logline, even though the latter is messy i. e., get rid of the 'of' for starters.

Unless you're talking Attila it really should be 'hon', not 'hun' imh.

'Should get a punishment' ?
Should be punished.

All the same, bit harsh and overwrought.

Overall, the dialogue sounds contrived to my ear, not befitting of young kids in so many instances, and I couldn't stick with the story.

Sorry, but another   from me.



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ChrisBodily
Posted: January 29th, 2017, 8:31pm Report to Moderator
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The title tells me this was written by Steve Perry. The bunny tells me it was written by Stevie. (But then again, who wrote Gym Bunnies? It's a Bunnyman takeover!  )

I liked this one. It was cute. As a horror, though, I wish you had amped it up and introduced it earlier. Also, Jazmine sounds older than 9. Maybe 19, but her vocabulary is a little too big for a 9-year-old. I'd pin her at 14 or 15.

Dialogue felt quite natural, Hannah and Jazmine seemed like actual sisters.

As for the title, keep it. I read this BECAUSE of the title. One of the greatest songs of the 80s by one of the greatest bands of the late 70s and 80s.

Excellent job.


FADE IN:
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irish eyes
Posted: January 29th, 2017, 8:47pm Report to Moderator
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There`s too much blood in my alcohol

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Isn't this Woodland Critter Christmas from South park? lol

Stan discovers talking woodland creatures in a forest

I'm sorry but it's all I could think off as I was reading it especially when you had a talking Bear Cub and Fawn and rabbit... and Queenie is the Antichrist per se

if I'm wrong that was incredibly original...
if i'm right well you just used an existing episode of South Park and made a very slight twist.

Well written though


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Digitaldecayfilms
Posted: January 30th, 2017, 1:04am Report to Moderator
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I liked it!  I normally wouldn't be a fan of a "quirky" horror movie, but this one really won me over.

Fun tone, good dialogue, and well paced.  I really liked the relationship between the sisters.  

My favorite of the competition so far.


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Cameron
Posted: January 30th, 2017, 1:34am Report to Moderator
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"Just a small town girl, living in a loooonleeyyy world, she took..." Journey will never be the same again after that. You got there first Chris, but I had the same initial reaction.

This was a bit on the nuts side, but hey, nuts is sometimes good. This nut wasn't terrible, but it wasn't exceptional either.

The writing was sound, descriptions were good and pacing worked, so you've basically got the technical stuff nailed down so far as I could see. The subject matter was a bitty too out there (and this is coming from someone who's written about psychotic midgets and super hero hamsters).

Try pitching it to yourself. So there's this thing, it's got lots of arms and makes animals talk, and lures in humans and makes them a bit weird too. Sorry but it just didn't work for me from a plot perspective, but well done on the writing.

Cam
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DanC
Posted: January 30th, 2017, 2:55am Report to Moderator
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Killing villains since 1980!

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I thought it was pretty good.  The challenge made sense, no men.

I didn't totally buy the talking animals.  It also didn't feel like horror.  It felt like a kids' story gone wrong, but, traditional kids' stories are rather morbid in their pure form, so, it was fun more than scary.

A few orphans, but, the dialog is good.  The kids do seem like kids, and sisters.

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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Abe from LA
Posted: January 30th, 2017, 3:18am Report to Moderator
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Cute but more fairy tale than horror. The talking bunny should lure Hannah to the other-worldly entity. Or at least deep into the forest in the first scene. We don't need to see the outcome at this point.

And then Hannah returns home and lures her family to the creature. I wanted to see creepiness at the breakfast table. Because Hannah should be changed, and Jaz and Mom sense it.

The creepiness should be mounting with each scene. Until we get to the nasty final act.
Also, don't like things ending with the unseen Dad. He seemed like an OK dude.

The writing is solid, the story not so. My sister is a Journey fan, so she might have a different opinion.
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CameronD
Posted: January 30th, 2017, 1:07pm Report to Moderator
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Not bad.

The writing was very clear and crisp. Easy to read.

The problem I had was with the story in that it was a little off? The light heartened fairy tale aspect clashed with the dark horror aspect at the end. The entire time I was reading I was constantly being reminded of South Park's woodland creatures which though funny cause it was so over the top didn't work as well here. A lot of the dialogue could be improved I thought. The girls sound kind wooden if that the right term. Very on point at times with talk of daddy and mom's issues instead of showing them which would have helped convey the girls sense of hurt and loss.

Some scenes don't move the action at all. The exchange of the girls and rabbit on the way to the crater could be cut I think. Breakfast goes on a bit long.

That said I do like how at the end the sludge/Queen/entity will bring bring the family back together so that was not lost on me. A very good effort and a solid script all around.


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: January 30th, 2017, 1:08pm Report to Moderator
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A mixed bag for me.

The little girl innocently following a creature into the woods I quite liked. The tension behind what she will do, where she will go and how she manages family expectations is solid turf.

The black mass, and unseen creature, don't do much for me.

I think I would also prefer it if something had happened alone to the little girl so that tension remains in the house once she is back, but that's a small issue.

Fair effort though


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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JEStaats
Posted: January 30th, 2017, 3:51pm Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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I liked it, but then again, I'm partial to bad Stephen King-ish type material like the black goo. I could visualize every scene so kudos. Good ending with the thought of where will this go next.

A little more time and I think you'd have a winner.
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