Murder by Ryan Worrall - Short, Drama, Thriller, Crime - A detective's Sister gets murdered, and now he has to find the killer. 14 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Ryan - there are some issues right out of the shoot:

Quoted Text Fade In:

Should be in CAPS

Quoted Text INT - POLICE INTERROGATION ROOM - NIGHT An Interrogation Room, with a table and a couple of chairs. TOM BARNET is sitting on one side of the table with his hands under the table, just staring across the table at someone. The camera cuts to over the shoulder shot of the person across from him, but never revealing who it is.

No need to repeat Interrogation Room in your description - it's already in the scene heading.

Don't write "is sitting". Write "sits" True for many "ing" words.

Avoid camera directions in a spec script.

The above should be condensed to something like:

You give us no description of Tom - not even his age.

It could be condensed to something like:

INT - POLICE INTERROGATION ROOM - NIGHT

A table and a couple of chairs.

TOM BARNET (age/description)  sits with his hands under the table as
he glowers at a SUSPECT on the other side of the table.

A quick glance and I can see you have these issues throughout. Another pass at this would help.

It took me some time to figure out that Tom Barnet is a cop. Put DC Tom Barnet or something like that the first time you introduce him.

Some notes.

There are problems with the English and the typing.  It needs a good edit.  

I think you can do away with most of the asides that the characters make.  The action should be clear enough for the audience.  Most people don't talk out loud to themselves very often.  

The bookend beginning and end work for me.  Reversing the expectations is a good thing.

The story itself is problematic.  It relies on Tom doing exactly what they expect him to do--from going after Gary to shooting Nathan.  I have problems with such stories.  What if Tom does what his wife wants and stays home?  What if he gives Nathan the benefit of the doubt, especially after Nathan puts away his firearm?  If Tom does one little thing differently, and he can, then the story doesn't work.  If you're going to have Tom do these things, then have some sort of compelling motive.  Don't give Tom a choice.  

Best
Richard

Hi Ryan,

There were some parts in this that jumped out for me as unrealistic. Gary's revenge was too violent. He's not trusted by the cops but is that only because of Lauren making up stories of abuse? If so then it seems unrealistic that he would go to such an extreme as to slit Lauren's throat on camera.  
Okay it seems likely Maria has battered womens syndrome and that's why she goes along with the throat slit and stays with Gary...

You've got alot going on in the story so it's interesting, it just needs more work in regards to the reality of the story....

Keep at it!