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  Author    Immortal Enmity - SSC2WC  (currently 3637 views)
Don
Posted: February 23rd, 2017, 9:08am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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2nd Draft
Immortal Enmity - Prologue by Dan Campisi - Short, Monster Horror - Circumstances leading up to a fateful decision that a bunch of kids will make are revealed.   15 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work


1st Draft
Immortal Enmity by Dan Campisi - Short, Monster Horror - A monster seeks revenge against the man who accidentally imprisoned it years ago when he was a child. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  March 3rd, 2017, 5:49pm
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Steven
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Quoted from Don
Immortal Enmity by Dan Campisi - Short, Monster Horror - A monster seeks revenge against the man who accidentally imprisoned it years ago when he was a child. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work


Some real bat-shit crazy stuff happening here. So this thing can transform into basically anything and everyone as it chooses? Kind of makes for an un-killable creature.

The only issue I had was in the police station and how NO ONE noticed the weird shit going on. I'm not one to focus on the "overwritten" action lines, since I do that myself, and am typically unaware of it, so I'd rather not comment on anything like that.

I just look at the story and if it was fun/easy to read through.
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Dreamscale
Posted: February 23rd, 2017, 11:08am Report to Moderator
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Man, oh Dan!  Damn, Dan!  

Hey, bro, good on you for completing this challenge.  I'm going to give to you straight up, as I know that's what you're after.

In a nutshell, this is just way, way, WAY too big a concept for 15 pages.  Way too many characters.  Way too many locations.  Way too much going on.

It also doesn't come across as what I would call horror, as nothing here seems remotely believable, in terms of characters, characters' actions, reactions, dialogue, settings, motivations, etc. (the "etc." covers pretty much everything in here).

As Steven correctly pointed out, there is some seriously batshit crazy shit going down here, basically on every single page, but absolutely none of it seems real.  It's kind of like an old Scooby Doo episode, or even a pisser (and don't take that the wrong way, either, as many, MANY actual movies play out like pissers).

Let's get into the technical difficulties in detail...

You start things out at a "dilapidated cemetery", which in itself, is fine, but IMO, you should always give your settings "character", and to do that, give the cemetery a name, tell us where we are, show what it looks like.  You have zero visual descriptors in the 1st scene (and pretty much, every scene).  Give your settings some life...let us "see" them.

Your intro of the boys is very problematic.  No reason to CAP "SIX".  Calling them "preteen" is a huge issue, especially based on where your story goes.  Preteen means under 13, but we have absolutely no visual descriptors given for any of these preteen boys, other than they're dressed like "medieval knights and sorcerers", which is tough for me to try and figure out what exactly they're wearing...or why they're dressed like this.

So, Carl brings a newspaper with him?  Really?  Obviously, this is purely exposition here, so "we" know why they're here, and what has happened, but it doesn't work as you have it.  And, Marshall Law?  Again, this just doesn't come off as remotely realistic.

The kids names change constantly.  Billy is never even intro'd.  No clue who Bob is or where he came from.

So, somehow, in less than 2 pages, these 6 preteen boys have figured out where the monster is, and even found it!  Again, not remotely realistic, scary, or believable.

Having your monster/creature speak is a mistake, and almost always a mistake, as again, you lose any kind of realistic scary vibe.

The action that follows has no power, based on how you wrote it all in a single passage, even though many things are happening.  It's even unclear to me that the boys escaped, it all happened so fast.

Going to a Mini Slug is a mistake, and that passage is a mess, as again, it's completely unclear who's there and what's happening.

OK, so we cut to 20 years later, and the dilapidated cemetery must be really dilapidated now!

You've got 2 more unnamed characters, which makes them complete throwaways, who spout out dialogue about movies, just like the kids did 20 years ago.  And, less than a page later, our creature is free.

So, in 3 pages, we've had 9 characters, 3 of which were named, and we've spanned 20 years, and know the creature is on the loose again.  Here's the deal...this "opening" or "intro" should actually play out over about 10 pages.  The characters should have character, so we care about them.  The sets should be visual.  The monster should be scary.  This should set up what's to follow.

I'm not going to go page by page from here, because there's just too much to discuss, but I do need to address another major mistake on Page 4.

So, I take it Bill and Fred are the kids in the beginning, right?  Both stayed in the same town, and both became police officers...and somehow, both are now in their late 30's, 20 years after they were preteen boys.  Does that make any sense at all?

So, I'm not trying to be mean, but I am being honest.  As written, this does not work at all, as horror.  If the intent is comedy horror, there are definitely some funny things going on here.   You need to dial this way, way back and ask yourself if any of this would be possible or plausible in a real world.

Good job getting this in, as you were 1 of only 8.  Now, sit back and reread what you have and see what you think.  This concept would be much better as a feature, than a short.

Hope this helps.
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Pale Yellow
Posted: February 23rd, 2017, 12:02pm Report to Moderator
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Ok I like the logline. I'm not crazy about the title.

I do like how you set the tone by the newspaper insert out of the gate.

It's a big strange these teens dressed up like they are. It is also hard to imagine boys screaming. I mean, girls scream all the time, but boys would be like 'oh fuck let's get outa here' ... I don' remember seeing a boy scream in a movie except a very young boy.

I am taken aback when your creature speaks words. Is it a man that looks like a creature?

I do like how you used the cross as a wall that keeps the creature inside.

Type pg 5 - each step she talks

Cool when Adrienne changes into the monster. You may want to have her acting unnatural even more than just sexually coming onto him. Something real out of the ordinary(foreshadow).

I do like when she runs out and acts as if HE was attacking her. Good job.

So at the end of page 8 when we see the neighbor's sharp teeth...is this creature thing multiplying? Are they living in a town of supernatural monsters? I'm a bit confused here.

Ok and now we have a satanic child. This getting a little too busy for me now. I'm getting thrown off the story and begin wondering what is this about.

It gets way too talky the last three pages for me. Near the end of this you want the momentum and tension to continue rising I think.

And the monster now has acid.

One thing I think is that you have to set your monster early on and you have to give us some parameters some rules so that we understand the monster and we know the stakes and we know the danger yet we aren't sure we can beat it. This story does not establish that except for the first part where the cross stops the monster. Also your monster changes throughout the story so it feels 'not real' to us and a fake monster isn't as scary IMO. This feels like a really big story in a small amount of pages.

Great job for completing this and I hope to see this story evolve.
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DanC
Posted: February 23rd, 2017, 4:18pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dreamscale
Man, oh Dan!  Damn, Dan!  

Hey, bro, good on you for completing this challenge.  I'm going to give to you straight up, as I know that's what you're after.

In a nutshell, this is just way, way, WAY too big a concept for 15 pages.  Way too many characters.  Way too many locations.  Way too much going on.

It also doesn't come across as what I would call horror, as nothing here seems remotely believable, in terms of characters, characters' actions, reactions, dialogue, settings, motivations, etc. (the "etc." covers pretty much everything in here).

As Steven correctly pointed out, there is some seriously batshit crazy shit going down here, basically on every single page, but absolutely none of it seems real.  It's kind of like an old Scooby Doo episode, or even a pisser (and don't take that the wrong way, either, as many, MANY actual movies play out like pissers).

Let's get into the technical difficulties in detail...

You start things out at a "dilapidated cemetery", which in itself, is fine, but IMO, you should always give your settings "character", and to do that, give the cemetery a name, tell us where we are, show what it looks like.  You have zero visual descriptors in the 1st scene (and pretty much, every scene).  Give your settings some life...let us "see" them.

Your intro of the boys is very problematic.  No reason to CAP "SIX".  Calling them "preteen" is a huge issue, especially based on where your story goes.  Preteen means under 13, but we have absolutely no visual descriptors given for any of these preteen boys, other than they're dressed like "medieval knights and sorcerers", which is tough for me to try and figure out what exactly they're wearing...or why they're dressed like this.

So, Carl brings a newspaper with him?  Really?  Obviously, this is purely exposition here, so "we" know why they're here, and what has happened, but it doesn't work as you have it.  And, Marshall Law?  Again, this just doesn't come off as remotely realistic.

The kids names change constantly.  Billy is never even intro'd.  No clue who Bob is or where he came from.

So, somehow, in less than 2 pages, these 6 preteen boys have figured out where the monster is, and even found it!  Again, not remotely realistic, scary, or believable.

Having your monster/creature speak is a mistake, and almost always a mistake, as again, you lose any kind of realistic scary vibe.

The action that follows has no power, based on how you wrote it all in a single passage, even though many things are happening.  It's even unclear to me that the boys escaped, it all happened so fast.

Going to a Mini Slug is a mistake, and that passage is a mess, as again, it's completely unclear who's there and what's happening.

OK, so we cut to 20 years later, and the dilapidated cemetery must be really dilapidated now!

You've got 2 more unnamed characters, which makes them complete throwaways, who spout out dialogue about movies, just like the kids did 20 years ago.  And, less than a page later, our creature is free.

So, in 3 pages, we've had 9 characters, 3 of which were named, and we've spanned 20 years, and know the creature is on the loose again.  Here's the deal...this "opening" or "intro" should actually play out over about 10 pages.  The characters should have character, so we care about them.  The sets should be visual.  The monster should be scary.  This should set up what's to follow.

I'm not going to go page by page from here, because there's just too much to discuss, but I do need to address another major mistake on Page 4.

So, I take it Bill and Fred are the kids in the beginning, right?  Both stayed in the same town, and both became police officers...and somehow, both are now in their late 30's, 20 years after they were preteen boys.  Does that make any sense at all?

So, I'm not trying to be mean, but I am being honest.  As written, this does not work at all, as horror.  If the intent is comedy horror, there are definitely some funny things going on here.   You need to dial this way, way back and ask yourself if any of this would be possible or plausible in a real world.

Good job getting this in, as you were 1 of only 8.  Now, sit back and reread what you have and see what you think.  This concept would be much better as a feature, than a short.

Hope this helps.


Hey Jeff,
No worries Bud.  I kinda realized that before I submitted it.  Once again, I bit off more than I could chew.  I am not at my computer right now, so I will write more later.
Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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Conz
Posted: February 23rd, 2017, 8:47pm Report to Moderator
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This title is a tongue twister.  Not sure that’s a good thing.

Pointless nitpick - This bugs me, and probably no one else.  I hate repetition.  You have “In front of mausoleum” then “six preteen boys huddle around a mausoleum.”   There’s really no need to write that a second time if it’s in a slug/mini slug.  Aight, sorry about that.  Here we go.

Oh I like that, the cross is blocking his exit.  I imagine this scene is fleshed out more in the screenplay.  I know we’re “short” on time here, but I wish there was a little more to that.  Also, when I think of a mausoleum, I think of a single casket structure – not much room, but that might just be me.

I guess the kids never told anyone about their monster encounter?  20 years and no one has gone back?

Female Chief is in her early 30s?  nitpick, but I’d change that to 40s at least.

The creature recomposes himself – am I supposed to know what he looks like at this point?

I don’t understand the creature’s motivations right now at all.  I like the morphing ability though.  

Wouldn’t a station full of cops pounce on Freddy before he could run out?

I like the monster fucking with him… but I don’t get it.  Why is he fucking with him?  Where’s Billy?  Why not just kill them?

Nun is verrrrry convenient.  How often do you see nuns?

Bill needed to be a part of this entire story.  He can’t just reappear out of nowhere now.  And I know this is a short, but we’re just skipping the whole “blessed by a Hindu priest” part of the story?

“How could she know to come here?” – exactly.  Fred stabbing his wife has no impact b/c how the hell did she know to go there?  There was no hint to that whatsoever.  I guess the creature took someone else’s form and tipped her off?  
Did we see that?  Did I just somehow miss that?

Wow, that ended abruptly.  All that setup and then he stabs him quick, bickity bam, the end.  The 15 page parameters really hurt you here.  This is probably a cool screenplay, but it doesn’t work as a short.


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JEStaats
Posted: February 23rd, 2017, 10:01pm Report to Moderator
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I'm glad you explained what enmity is as I was expecting the creature to be a sea anemone. Duh.

I found it quite choppy and difficult to follow at times. It was a lot to cram into 15 pages, but I think it could be trimmed to make a little more sense? I can see that all these ideas were in your head and maybe you felt that you really needed to get them all in the allotted pages.

I need to second all the comments made previously. Congrats on getting this submitted!
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DanC
Posted: February 24th, 2017, 12:10pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, guys,  I'm gonna attempt to answer all of these statements.  

First off, thanks to each of you who took the time to read it.  

I admit I bit off too much.  I had to cut so much and took out the best part, the paranoia.  

A Rakshasa is an evil Hindu supernatural creature.  It can read minds, take on any form, and can use magic.  Some have been said to have created their own worlds.  So, powerful stuff.  

Enmity is an emotion beyond hatred.  A pretty famous one is the feud between Orcus and Demogorgon.  

So, these things think humans are their feeding ground.  They don't fear humans, they don't care if a human knows where they are because they can kill any human.

They don't have any weaknesses, not really.  They hate holy objects.  They can ONLY be killed with a brass dagger blessed by a Hindu priest.  

Steven, it's easier to kill than say, Jason or Freddie.

Dena, haven't you heard of LARP (Live Action Role Play).  The kids were dressed up as medieval people.  It's no different than kids playing cops and robbers, Harry Potter etc.  

The Rakshasa can look like anyone, insofar as the person who's mind they are reading knows.  In other words, say it reads your mind.  Your friends with Bob.  You think Bob is right-handed, but, he's really left-handed.  The Rakshasa would use his right hand because that's the hand you think Bob is.  Unless the Rakshasa had previously run into Bob.

They have a pretty big appetite.  They tend to stay in areas that have large rodent issues.   It's was stated that an attack from a Rakshasa and a pack of rats is the same, except for the time.  A Rakshasa can consume an adult human in seconds, as opposed to what the rats can do (still under 30 seconds, but, not as fast).

If the creature shows its natural form, it looks like a bipedal tiger dressed in very old and worn top-tier clothes.  The claws and teeth in this form have a poison that is very painful and poisonous.  

Dena, wow, I hadn't considered that's how you'd take that.  No, there is only 1 rakshasa, the one tracking him.  The next door neighbor was the same one.  It had assumed the form of the neighbor.  

The Satanic Child isn't a child.  It's the Rakshasa pretending to be a child to get him in trouble.  It wants to ruin his life.

See, it feels that this lowly human stole 20 years of its life where all it could do was sit and think.  The hatred built up.  So, when it got free, it wanted to destroy the lives of everyone he cares for.  

In the feature length, it goes after everyone he's ever loved.

Dena, there are plenty of times that the monster's biggest power is hidden until the end.  Early on, I establish that it can read minds and change shape.  Then, as time goes on and we learn about it, that's when I show that it can also poison people.

You're right, it's too big of an idea for that few pages.  

I actually had the opposite reaction.  I thought the monster was more real because it could be anyone.  Imagine the paranoia of the Hidden or the Thing?  That's what I was going for.


Conz, you're right, I need to watch for that kind of stuff.  I don't have to be redundant.

No, the mausoleum is huge.  There are dozens of crypts in there, which is a perfect spot for it to hide.

The kids do tell the parents about the monster in the cemetery.  How do you think they'd respond?  Red eyes, changes form, hides in cemetery etc.  The parents wrote it off as kids' play.

No, you don't see the true form of the creature until the end.  

As I said, the creature, in addition to the ESP (mind reading) and shape alteration (assuming the form of anyone), it also has magic and can turn invisible.  And it has super strength, reflexes, speed, intelligence, and wisdom.  Yep, it's a bad ass!!

As I said, it despises him for life wasting 20 years of its life.  Imagine if an ant somehow caused you to lose a day.  How angry would you be if this insignificant thing caused you to adjust your life.

It was gonna just kill them, but, instead, it wants to crush them, really make them pay.  It's the "death is too good for them" mantra.

The nun was for that funny throwaway line.  And to show that it has to respect holy objects. She also serves as the tool in which he escapes.  

At the end, the wife is led there by the creature.  That's why Fred is so sure that isn't his wife, but, the creature in the guise of his wife.  She has that line about being led there.  Fred didn't believe it.  

Yeah, it ends fast.  Too fast.  The 15 pages killed me.  

I seem to have a real issue with page max limits.  I need to fix this if I am ever gonna take the next step.  

I can tell any story in 20-30 pages.  But, when it's less than 20, I screw up, badly.  I need help with that.

Will write more later.

Dan



Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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CameronD
Posted: February 24th, 2017, 4:51pm Report to Moderator
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Ok Dan, here we go.

If we are in front of a mausoleum shouldn't that be made known in the slug?

Is this a newspaper the boys made? A current edition of the NYT? Doesn't make much sense.

Young Freddie and Billy but not Carl? I think if you're having this many characters right off the bat you need to describe them a bit more. I don't know who any are.  I suspect this may be some D&D brought to life from our previous messages but the avg reader won't. I know this is only 15 pages and time is short, but I think you're starting too late here. You need to go back a bit and establish what these boys are doing, who they are, and what's going on. This is too much, too soon here.

Twenty years later? This is not a D&D session???? How did they have a holy necklace and stuff?

After the worker picks up the cross where do the red eyes come from?

I think these workers have too much screen time to just be worker 1 and 2. Call them Laurel and Hardy. Bert and Ernie. Something to give them a little personality?

INT. POLICE STATION - DETECTIVE ROOM - DAY

Wouldn't it be, um more detectivish if these guys were at the scene of the crime investigating for themselves instead of reading about it in the paper?

Wait wait wait. So Bill calls out the chief on something, who then responds by wanting to jump Fred's bones, who then changes form into the creature? All in half a page? What a twist! x 3

Why would Fred confess to every crime he can think of? Shoplifting? Forgery? Slander? Movie pirating? That doesn't make sense. Not a scary threat. Not even a real one.

Your not you're while watering the lawn. (What wife waters the lawn?

He starts the car, drives off. The next door neighbors miles as he drives away. POINTED TEETH. The neighbor has the teeth I assume? Why not just say he smiles with pointed teeth?

Why go to the library? Can't he just google the info he's looking for?

The librarian just ASSUMES a child accusing rape is a mythical monster? Um, no. And a random nun buys it too?

3 "its" in a row on the left side of page 11's first action block is unfortunate. Now he googles it? So why even bother going to the library?

Page 12 and Fred and Bill are right back at the cemetery again? What happened to Carl? Then the wife, the real wife shows up at the cemetery too, out of the blue???

Ok, this is..... this needs work. I know you took a complete story and crammed it into 15 pages and it shows. This is almost all action with all the plot points and beats being tossed aside. And I don't know if it's worth trying to rewrite as the premise for the OWC is subpar. Plus, I don't really see the reason to rewrite a 15 page synopsis of a story you've already fully written.  Is it worth the time?

What I think would be interesting, is if you expanded upon the first scene of the boys at the cemetery. What if you wrote it as a type of horror/fantasy with the boys actually living out their game in their imaginations? Carl (I'm assuming) can be the DM narrator's voice as he leads the friends through a graveyard full of skeletons, rats, snakes, werewolves to the crypt with the creature inside? The boys fight with swords and magic and armor, hell even have the library girl as a friend in their game group who plays along with them. Maybe over time they become estranged which could help explain why she so quickly buys the creature theory later on? Somehow the creature in the game becomes real and invades the real world, or they play their game on a ouija board and summit somehow into real life only to haunt them later.

Of course I'm assuming the first scene was a game of D&D. I'm not sure and that's not good. Boys don't usually carry around glowing necklaces and read newspapers about martial law and body mutilations. But as the scene seems to be written as real life maybe I'm wrong.

Also, what if you wrote the story as if it was a modern day D&D campaign? Bill has to go on a quest to kill this monster from his childhood. Along the way he forms a party, finds some powerful treasure, (like the blessed brass dagger), gets stuck in some traps, stays overnight at a few hotels(inns), levels up somehow. That would be cool. A D&D movie but in disguise.

However, this is just too big a story for a short.  At least in the way it's written. The concept of a Rakshasha as a movie monster is a cool one and I love anything D&D related but this isn't living up to the promise of the concept.


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MarkItZero
Posted: February 24th, 2017, 5:13pm Report to Moderator
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Sorry, I just couldn't get through this. Big picture, I think you're missing out on the fun stuff in a revenge tale. And I wish I could actually think of a good horror revenge movie but my brain is mush right now and all I'm coming up with is I Know What You Did Last Summer. Which is a laughably bad example. But it'll still work...

Because that has a group of people who actually did something wrong, tried to bury the secret, and now it's back to get them. So all the guilt/secrets/lies are coming back to haunt them. And, on the flip side, there's an enemy who at least on some level you can empathize with.

Your story starts with a pure evil creature who murders people. The kids were right to run away and trap the creature in the crypt. They didn't do anything wrong. And I don't feel much of anything for the soulless monster who's angry about his killing spree being cut short.

So, I'd suggest a much different opening. Maybe they find the creature when it's like a baby or something. Or, it's in a more helpless form. And, being stupid kids, they throw sticks at it and severely injure it and trap it in a crypt. Now it's out and grown and exacting vengeance.


That rug really tied the room together.
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ChrisBodily
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Title is confusing and sounds too close to Double Indemnity. I had to Google that word, Enmity.

It appears this is abridged from a feature-length script of yours. That sounds problematic right out of the gate.

I love the witty copyright notice.

"LATE AFTERNOON" could just as easily be "DAY"

"(to the group)" is unnecessary. Who else would he be talking to?

I think "Young" is redundant and unnecessary.


Quoted Text
YOUNG BILLY
Not yet.  Search for monsters.


Extra space.

I agree; the monster shouldn't speak. Especially the dialogue you gave him.


Quoted Text
The creature blah blah blah. Billy grabs his fruiend's arm blah blah blah


You seriously need to break this up into SEVERAL paragraphs. Way too much going on here.

"It angrily screams." I would change to "The creature."

INSERT: TWENTY YEARS LATER

That should be a SUPER.

You're having issues with extra spaces after a word.

Worker 1/Worker One. Leep it consistent.

Characters not capped. Big mistake and very confusing.

We can guess that ARIANNE HERNANDEZ is Hispanic.

"each step she talks." Takes?

So did Arianna turn into the creature? I'm lost.

So he's a shape-shifter?

Does she say that in her voice or the creature's?

Break up some of those busy action lines.

"[Your] eyes. They're different."

"Read min[d]s."

The librarian banter reads like a pisser.

Had to Google Rakshasa or whatever.

A nun??? WTF? And when does a Nun talk like that?

Sotto??? Had to Google this.

Too confusing for me. Not too bad, but it could've been worse. Half the characters could have been deleted or merged. I couldn't keep track of who was who.

Way too much going on here for a short. Sorry, Dan.  


FADE IN:
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: February 26th, 2017, 3:27pm Report to Moderator
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Immediately thought of King's It for some reason, not necessarily a bad thing.

Was confused by the kids names, on the first page you use Fred, Freddie and Young Freedie... I'd stick to just one as it makes for a less confusing read.

Not entirely sure you are using INSERT in the standard way... normally it's used to bring the focus onto a particular thing in the scene, like a newspaper headline or the screen of a phone or laptop. I think some of these (all?) should be SUPER.

Page 4 and 5, I'm confused...

The morphing into different characters and I'm really getting SK's It now.

Page 7, some of the dialogue is throwing me...

I'd be careful with the CAPS, e.g. bottom of page 7 you CAP House, but the slug tells us we are outside a house so it isn;t needed... also LATER is usually used when the location hasn't changed, you use it here and we don;t really know what time of day it now is.

I'm on Page 9 and i've realised that you mentioned 6 pre-teen boys at the start and then intro 3 of them... are the other 3 important? If not i'd just drop them.

A swearing 60 yr old Nun, not sure if it was meant to make me laugh, but it did. Also an I'm nit picking, but why would a Catholic Nun know to stop a child running in a library?

Not buying the wife killing, she doesn't speak to him like a concerned wife, not convinced she'd be lured to a cemetery.

The end is abrupt to say the least.

Lots of ideas in here but it's too busy for my taste.




Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
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Busy Little Bee
Posted: February 26th, 2017, 10:37pm Report to Moderator
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The ending definitely appears rush, and I think that's the pace of the whole story. It's rushed. It seems like scenes are missing. I also agree that the police department scene with boss plays until the real boss enters and it's no on notices anything. It is this scene that I think to myself this could work if it was a horror/comedy but otherwise it's a common horror pitfall.

That scene does set up the wife's death. However, I did find it strange that Fred was so quick to stab Heather with no test. Again, I think this falls into my overall impression of "rushed."

BLB


Commodus: But the Emperor Claudius knew that they were up to something. He knew they were busy little bees. And one night he sat down with one of them and he looked at her and he said, "Tell me what you have been doing, busy little bee..."
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DanC
Posted: February 27th, 2017, 3:01am Report to Moderator
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Thanks, guys.

You're right.  It was so rushed.  The 15-page limit was terrible.  I never should have tried to adapt a feature into something so short.  


For my rewrite, I've gone to the prologue of the story, showing everyone what leads up to the fight.

I keep running into a huge issue where my stories tackle things far too deep for a short.

Anthony, I loved IT because I thought it was a Rakshasa initially.  I loved It all the way until the last 30 min or so.  I won't spoil it for anyone who hasn't seen it.

About the only thing that my story and It have in common is that they are both shapeshifters.  

But, Pennywise's powers were more illusionary, the Rakshasa's powers can include illusions, but, can do real manifestations as well.  Some were thought to be so powerful that they created worlds.  Rakshasas are truly scary creatures.

And what works in the feature is that throughout the entire story, his hesitation costs him each time as the creature harms/kills/entraps someone.  The setup for the wife fits the end.  The one time he rushes in (ironically to try to save his wife)...

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: February 27th, 2017, 8:27am Report to Moderator
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Hey Dan

It wasn't just the similarity in monsters, it was the fact that you have a bunch of kids defeat the monster and then have to defeat it again in adulthood.

But hey I'm sure you feature has loads of things that are different too;

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
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