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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Action / Adventure Scripts  ›  On Cloud Nine
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  Author    On Cloud Nine  (currently 675 views)
Don
Posted: March 10th, 2017, 5:39pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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On Cloud Nine by Fausto Lucignani - Short, Drama - A crestfallen, unhappily married man experiences an exciting, different life for a few minutes only.  9 pages

production: Shoestring production. Two actors and two locations (apartment and public park). - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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PrussianMosby
Posted: March 14th, 2017, 6:17pm Report to Moderator
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Hey,

This is an interesting title, although I don't connect it to action/adventure from the go.

The logline isn't bad but I miss one last information that defines this "exciting, different seconds" to give a better picture. Save for the characters, the logline does not say much.


I'd try to get quicker to the dream scenario. The story makes more fun and eventually gets active there. So up to this, I'd cut every spoken word that isn't 100% necessary. Just concentrate on the very basic introductory elements. Everything else should go << IMO

It's not completely overdone, but I just see there's possibility to compress and bundle context. Every dialogue line f.i. should move the story forward. Bland chat and interaction isn't of importance.

P5 You could break up the dialogue somehow.
It's not bad but there's no movement in the picture. Possibly Cyril could show some action with his Beretta, unload it, skillfully play around with it, to also EMBODY his new/dream personality. To use the gun is just an example of course…

I don't know why this is listed as an action script when they're just talking. Why isn't Cyril getting to actual hitman activities?

Return to Scene isn't done properly. You originally left the story string in the bedroom – now it's living room. I'd rather go with an END OF DREAM SEQUENCE or something…

But I'm not sure myself, just do some research if you like.

I liked the humorous last scene- and the thought behind it.

In general, I liked the potential of the concept, but I didn't like the execution. There's so much talk about Irish and Italian mobsters and doing this and that but we get nothing of it on screen.

How should we identify with this world and concept if the characters not embody what they say?
     
The general idea of… a frustrated curmudgeon with marital problems, who in his dreams is a hitman with a hottie at his side.

… is something I for sure could enjoy. The characters just should do, rather than say.

All the best


In the Head of the Driver (3p - drama, sports, SF)

Those Infinite Wolves  (8p - psychological horror)

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Simon
Posted: September 9th, 2017, 7:41am Report to Moderator
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About the dream: They tend not to last that long, so you might want to get rid of the 'minutes later'. How would the time passing show in a dream? I thought the dream was a bit strange. Because of the dialogue, it was almost like a comedy scene in places, which seemed a bit out of place with the drama genre. I thought the end was kind of interesting, though.


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