Million Dollar Idea by Richard F. Russell - Short, Drama - A high school boy thinks he has an idea for a million Internet hits.  Maybe he does. 7 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Richard - first a nit:

SPOILERS AHEAD

Quoted Text RANDY Listen up, fuckers. Open your eyes. This isn’t my fault, it’s yours. It’s this fucking world that crapped on everything I ever tired to do. So, fuck you!

A typo - tired should be tried

An interesting story for the most part. I had some problem with Seth - an isolated Goth kid at the far end of the table when you open and then without much explanation - he is going to be the one working with your protag on this huge million dollar hit thing. Just struck me as weird that he (Seth) would be brought into the circle of trust as it were.

Richard, a weird mix for me.

I'm left thinking the punishment doesn't fit the crime. No indication Randy ever did anything to Seth, unless I missed something?

Does Goth equal 'evil'? Why is Seth out on his own? It seems he'd have Goth friends.

the usual mix of high school
TEENS along with the problems they have.

I'm all for asides but this (above) was a bit clumsy imh.

With this one:

Friends, this is their haunt during
lunch

I thought for a moment you were addressing the reader.

as sexy as mesh nylons,
Might be a cultural thing. 'Mesh nylons' sound matronly to me.

Typo:
EOY
BOY

I’m sick of your green
as grass jealousy.

Dialogue just doesn't sound age appropriate to me.

Here too: Do seventeen year old girls say: 'good grief'.

smashes into the Boy’s head the pudding?

Okay, jmh: The actual script could pack a powerful message on a few fronts but Seth needs motivation to do what he did, otherwise he's a psychopath.

I think the idea of anything to go viral and be a hit on the Internet is great. I also think the message of desensitization and what we would potentially watch on the net is great too.

I'm just not sold that the sum of the parts of this add up.

Hi Richard,

A nicely executed shocking little short...  The shock affect was there for me.

The part where you made it seem like he was seriously upset, speaking into his phone outside was clever. I think the actions of these people conveyed who they were, so in this case character development wasn't a huge issue---actions speak louder than words....Seth is a budding psychopath, and Randy a desperate, immature, low self esteemed kid, willing to mess with peoples heads just to get attention...